It’s early morning and I stroll into the kitchen where my daughter is munching the Italian-equivalent to Coco-Puffs. In between bites, my soon-to-be-13-year-old thoughtfully pointed out to me that my butt “…is sagging down near my knees.” This s not the kind of thing that I enjoy hearing in the morning. I turned around and took a look back there. “I think it’s my pajamas, honey. My pajamas make my butt look like that.”
“No Dad…your ass is definitely sagging.”
I walked into the bedroom where my wife was still snoozing away. I gently kick the bed.
“Giulia, Jasmin said I have a sagging ass.” She half-opened an eyelid.
I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that….” And with that my wife’s voice trailed off and she drifted back to sleep.
Now I have a pretty healthy ego. I realize I’m not ever going to make the cover of GQ, but I have tried to stay in shape. I may not have a body that qualifies for Mr. Universe, but I don’t think I suffer from “sagging ass syndrome” either. This point was further driven home when I took the family to the beach and my wife tossed me a pair of boxer-style swim trunks.
“….Better slip into these instead of the Speedo’s….” My wife remarked. “…makes your butt look better…”
Life in general is pretty funny to me. But there is nothing funny about having to disguise my ass in a pair of baggy boxer shorts. “…For years you have told me I have no ass. Now all of a sudden whatever ass I do have is being pulled to the ground by gravity…?”
I guess I’m lucky. Based on the miscast social mores of our culture, as guys get older they become more distinguished (sagging butt included) but as women get older they just get…older. And a sagging ass doesn’t help things.
I have a funny feeling I’m not the only guy out there who apparently needs to hoist his butt up with suspenders. In fact, according to bodybuilding.com, the gluteus maximus, medius, and minimus (better known as the butt, buns, ass, chuck wagon or rear-end) primarily consists of the gluteus maximus, medius, and minimus. These muscles are difficult to isolate, and there are very few workout routines that list glutes as a special area of training. What’s more, a weak, sagging butt can lead to other more serious aches and pains including:
2. Hamstring strains
3. Anterior hip pain
4. Anterior knee pain
Hey — at least two items on the list apply to me! Maybe my daughter is smarter than I give her credit for. According to an article on “sagging butts after 40” (o-k, not the actual title but close enough) posted on the Daily Telegraph Online (www.news.com.au) a few simple exercises can lift that posterior of your up in no time:
1) Quadruped hip extensions: While on all fours (see photo), keep the abs tight as you lift one leg up, keeping the knee at a 90-degree angle. Keep lifting the leg until the bottom of the foot faces the ceiling and the hip, thigh and knee are all aligned and parallel to the floor. Don’t arch the back and keep the neck straight. Lower your leg back down without touching the ground. Add ankle weights for more intensity or hold a light dumbbell behind the knee. Perform two to three sets of 10 to 16 reps on each leg.
2) One-legged squats: Stand on a bench with your weight on your left leg and your right leg hanging off to the side. Bend the weight-bearing knee and lower, while pushing the hips back (this is very important). Go as low as possible before pushing down through the heel to come up. Repeat for eight to 12 reps and change sides.
3) Step-ups: Find a step that is approximately knee high. Place your left foot on top and push off through the heel. Continue moving your right knee up and forward until it becomes parallel with the ground. Pause briefly and slowly lower to the ground. Touch lightly with your toes and repeat. Do two to three sets of 15 to 20 reps on each leg.
4) Squat: Known as the king of all exercises — it can be done solely with your body weight or with a small dumbbell or barbell across your shoulders. Stand with feet hip-width apart and squat, keeping the back straight, the abs braced and the knees behind your toes. Let your butt lightly touch a chair and squeeze to stand up. Repeat for two to three sets of eight to 12 reps and add weights for more intensity.
I will admit to something: whatever time I allocate to myself to workout is usually spent on my arms and my chest and my abs. I rarely spend much time doing anything for my legs or butt (other than running) and that is exactly why gravity puts bad juju on your hinny.
You better believe I’ve added the exercises outlined above into my workout. The last thinking I need (and the last thing YOU need as well) is for your butt to spill out of your shorts like a burst water-balloon.
In the meantime, until improvement in the ‘ol glutes is duly noted, the term around this house is “droopy drawers” not “sagging ass.”
