When someone passes away that is in your family or a friend, people scuttle about making the funeral arrangements. In most families, someone will do one thing and someone will take care of another. That’s the way it should be, so that there is not a lot of pressure on one person.
One of the steps in funeral planning is writing a Eulogy. If the person who passed away was a nice and decent person, you should have no problem writing a Eulogy, singing them praises. But what if… what if the person you are supposed to write a Eulogy for was a mean spirited person their entire life? Talking bad about someone who has passed away is a taboo subject in our society but why sing someone praises if they simply were mean to family members and caused them pain and grief their entire lives? How can you erase all that hurt to find something nice to say, when there is nothing nice to say at all? The truth, is that there is a way to write something civil, without singing your praises about the deceased person.
My great grandmother passed away in 2008. My grandmother was torn up about it because she was the one who took care of my great grandmother while she put up with ridicule from her mother, who was never grateful. I wish I could say that she was mean just because she became elderly, but from all the stories I’ve heard, she was like that all the time. She thought that she should be treated like a Queen and get anything she wanted. She was raised as her daddy’s little princess and thought she should be one in life too. My grandmother didn’t know what to say about my great grandmother so she asked my Uncle to put something together. He tried but came up with nothing. Finally they came to my Mother and me because they know that I enjoy writing and am fairly good at it.
I did a lot of searching and had to think a lot. I even did an internet search “How to Write a Eulogy for a Mean Person” and came up with nothing that would help me. It seems that isn’t a subject people write about. With all the people in the world, I refuse to believe that everyone who dies is a loving person with nice things to write about them.
My grandmother wanted a nice eulogy with no lies and that seemed like a hard feat to accomplish. How do you write a eulogy about someone who never had a kind word for her family? Who never really enjoyed much in life except money?
I had my Mom call some distant family members and we got stories but not the stories that were nice. I didn’t want to stretch the truth but what was I going to do?
Everyone may have had bad memories of my great grandmother, but she was a vital member of our family. Without her, we wouldn’t be here. Because I love my family so much, I knew that they needed to hear something nice, not something that talked bad about my great grandmother. If I had done that, I would have stooped to my great grandmother’s level and I value my family too much for that.
I felt the need to write this article for people who may be in a similar situation. If you have a mean relative that has passed away, don’t despair. There is a way to write a Eulogy to make them sound like a decent human being, whether they deserve it or not.
How to Write a Eulogy for a Mean Person #1: Avoid Common Sentences Found in Eulogies
When someone is reading a eulogy, it’s not uncommon to hear certain phrases such as “We are here today to mourn the death of” or “(insert name here) will be sorely missed by all.” If you’re writing a Eulogy about a mean person, don’t put that in. That is just flat out lying. You can open your eulogy by saying “We are here today to reflect on the life of (insert name here)” instead of saying that you’re there mourning them. The end of the eulogy could be “She may be gone from this earth, but the memories of her will last forever.” You’re not saying that everyone will miss the person who passed away. In fact, it’s stating the truth by saying the memories of that person will last forever. And if they were a mean person, that is the unfortunate truth. Painful memories are hard to shed.
How to Write a Eulogy for a Mean Person #2: It’s OK to Stretch the Truth
When writing a Eulogy for someone who was unpleasant in life, it’s OK to stretch the truth. You don’t want to outright lie and say they were the best person ever but if you have a memory that needs a positive spin on it, don’t be afraid to stretch the truth to help make it a better memory for the people attending the funeral.
How to Write a Eulogy for a Mean Person #3: Find a Somewhat Pleasant Memory and Work with It
My great grandmother once gave two family members $500 each for Christmas. You might think it was because she loved them deeply and wanted to help out. Instead she had a boyfriend move in with her. He handed over his entire social security check to her, so she was left with “extra” money. He was really old and not all there at times so he didn’t’ realize that she horded her money and only spent his. She was feeling somewhat generous that month and decided to give away some of her boyfriend’s money. Now I didn’t put all that in the eulogy. Instead I wrote that she knew her grandchildren were having a hard time and she helped them out by giving them money as a gift. You can do the same thing, take a memory that has at least a little bit of good in it (if you can find one) and put a positive spin on it.
How to Write a Eulogy for a Mean Person #4: Write a lot of Details about their Life
Write a lot of details about the deceased ones life. Write who their parents where, anything they enjoyed doing in their life, who they married, where they moved too, etc. Writing all those details can take up a lot of room in a eulogy, and can make your job easier because you’re just sticking to the facts of their life.
No matter how hard it is to write a eulogy for someone who was not good to their family, it can be done. You don’t want to write something really mean about them, just for the fact alone that you don’t want to stoop to their level. If you truly can’t find something neutral to write about them, it may be best to not have a eulogy or pass the task of writing one to someone else.
