Eulogies are given at funerals by friends, relatives and sometimes associates as personal memorials or individual reflections about the deceased. If you have attended even a few funerals that have included eulogies you may have recognized that some flow smoothly and others decidedly do not. You may even have thought to yourself, “what would I do if faced with the prospect of writing and delivering a eulogy?”. These six elements of a good eulogy may give you some direction to get you through what can be a very emotional and demanding task should that occasion arise.
1. Keep it brief. When we lose someone near to us we can easily be overwhelmed by a near ocean of memories about the times we spent together When asked to offer a eulogy at the deceased person’s funeral it may seem impossible to tell his or her story in a few short paragraphs, when you know you could go on for days. Every one of your stories may be priceless and show the inner beauty of the deceased, but those present can not expect to stay attentive to a long, drawn out presentation. Some have traveled a distance to be present and are starting to tire. Some are getting along in years and may not even be able to hear you very well. Many have their own stories, possibly as interesting as yours. To really say something suitable rely on the seven elements of a good eulogy and keep your remarks brief. When you need to turn pages you know that you are going to lose people and coincidentally put more strain on ourself to keep it together for an unnecessarily long period of time. When presenting a eulogy do yourself , the family of the deceased and everyone else present a serious favor and keep whatever you have to say brief.
2. Remember it’s not your eulogy. Sometimes when put in the position of having to produce a eulogy the presenter gets lost in his or her own relationship with the deceased. While that may be quite understandable, that personalization of the event isn’t necessarily what the congregation of mourners wants to hear. When called upon to write a eulogy remember that one of the seven elements of a good eulogy is to remember that in fact this is not your eulogy. Work hard to make your words speak 99% about the deceased with only a mention of yourself when it cannot possibly be avoided. This is one of the most difficult elements of a good eulogy. To stick by this principle just try to remember the last really bad eulogy that you heard and you may realize that part of the reason why you disliked it was because somehow it became more about the presenter and his or her relationship with the deceased than about the deceased . People will be able to draw inferences about how close you and deceased may have been by your tone, your attitude and the things you say. You don’t need to convince anyone that you knew the deceased better than everyone else present.
3.Include humor or something light. It is unlikely that you were chosen to present a eulogy because you had at one time been the class clown and everyone wants to hear your latest jokes. The fact that you are presenting a eulogy is more apt to suggest that you are seen as a reasonable person and one who can be trusted to do a reasonable job. Still part of providing a eulogy can be delivering a few words about the deceased that have at least a tad of humor or a light moment included. No one is expecting or would necessarily even welcome slapstick from a eulogy but one of the key elements to a good eulogy can be to spend some time finding a spot to insert a light word of remembrance that rather than convulse the congregation into tears, may instead help to unite all in a warm, pleasant, maybe humorous remembrance.
4. Be inclusive. One very bad turn that any eulogy can unintentionally take is to somehow be heard as exclusive. This can happen if the person presenting the eulogy is so involved in sharing his or her own personal relationship and story that he or she forgets how many other relationships the deceased has had in a lifetime. One of the key elements of a good eulogy is to prepare your remarks in advance by thinking about who is likely to be present and how you can include them somehow in your words The truth is many people go to funerals at least in part to be seen or recognized as being present. A eulogy that somehow overlooks the presence and real feelings of a segment of the mourners really misses the mark and can end up being divisive rather than soothing. You certainly can’t expect to name every person or even every group present at a funeral. What you can do is to not speak in a way that presumes the presence of only a select group like co-workers while seemingly ignoring others, like civic club members.
5. Help the deceased to speak. People who come to a funeral come because of a connection they had in life with the deceased. They are missing this person and wonder what life without him or her will be like. The best thing one can contribute to mourners via a eulogy is to somehow capture the real spirit or personality of the deceased in a few words. This is obviously not an easy assignment, but a good approach may be to think of a simple expression that the person used frequently and possibly in a variety of settings. Reminding others of that little saying can really help to make them feel that the memory they have will last and that the deceased in this little way will always remain with them.
6.Remember a Eulogy is not a Dramatic Reading. You may have written a remarkable eulogy. You might have remembered five elements of good eulogy. You kept it short and remembered it really wasn’t about you. You found a way to bring some humor into your talk by letting the deceased speak . And you even worked hard to make sure that people who you thought were likely to be present felt truly included in the ceremony. If you’ve done all of those things and done them well, then take care. Without the last element of a good eulogy in mind you can seriously detract from your finished product.
Too often, filled with emotion and an honest desire to say something meaningful, people stand before a congregation and become instantaneously dramatic. Their voices become loud, theatrical or emotional. They use hand gestures and facial expressions that are surprising at best and somewhat ghoulish at worst. The final element of a good eulogy is to deliver it in your own voice remembering that you are sharing a eulogy not a dramatic reading. If you have written the eulogy in your own voice present it in that same voice. Speak loudly enough to be heard and use ordinary emphasis as you read and the wonderful message that you want to share at this difficult time will ring out true and clear.
