Writing a eulogy can be a painful experience if you were close to the person who has died. It can be difficult to come up with the right words, to choose from your vast store of memories the ones that stand out, that will mean something to others as well. When my grandmother passed away recently, I wanted to give a eulogy. I am not a good public speaker. I was always the one with quaking knees, shaking hands, and elephants parading in my stomach when it was time to give an oral report in high school. But I did it, I survived, and it was one of the most meaningful things I have ever done. You can write a eulogy too. Here’s how.
Brainstorm before you begin- Get out a pad of paper and spend 10-15 minutes jotting down every memory, phrase, personality quirk, anything that comes to mind when you reflect on your loved one. This can be a very painful part of writing the eulogy, but it is often easier to write from a set of notes than to just start writing cold.
Decide how you’d like the eulogy to start and end- Pick from your eulogy notes the items most meaningful to you, the best anecdotes, whatever stands out, and plan on using those to craft the beginning and ending of your eulogy. Think of the beginning of the eulogy as a time to draw the listener in and define your relationship to the deceased. To wrap up the eulogy, think of what you want your listeners to take away with them, what sentence or sentences could summarize the rest of the eulogy?
Write the eulogy- Just start writing the eulogy without worrying about how it sounds. You need to get the words down on paper before you start editing. Use your eulogy notes and try to group similar memories and thoughts into paragraphs. Don’t feel like you need to tell the life story of the deceased. Your eulogy is a reflection of what your loved one meant to you, not necessarily what they meant to everyone present. Your eulogy should be about your memories, and your feelings. It should come from the heart and be rooted in your relationship with the deceased.
Edit the eulogy- Your eulogy does not have to be perfect. It does not have to make the funeral director weep and get you a spot on the front page of the newspaper. Such perfection would be difficult in normal times, let alone when you are consumed with grief. Let go of any expectations you may have of writing the perfect eulogy. There are no words that will adequately convey your loss, no words to set right what everyone is feeling. Accept this and do the best you can under the circumstances. Read and edit your eulogy as many times as necessary to clarify it and get rid of the “fluff”. Distill it down to the most meaningful thoughts. Include some humorous anecdotes to help lighten the mood a bit. Making people laugh is a wonderful gift to them during this difficult time, and your eulogy can be a powerful tool in the healing process. Type your eulogy using a 14 point font to make it easier to read. If you have tendencies to mumble or speak too fast, consider jotting a note at the top of every page to remind yourself to “slow down!”
Practice the eulogy- Read your eulogy aloud (while standing up) to yourself, a friend or your dog. Try to read slowly and pronounce your words clearly. Do this until you can read the eulogy through in a slow, natural pace without breaking down. When you can read the whole thing without choking up too much, realize you may break down anyway. Accept it. Everyone else is grieving too, and they will not be surprised or irritated if you have to cry a little or you stumble over your words.
Prepare to speak- If you think you may be overcome with grief during the service and not be able to deliver your eulogy, find someone to serve as your backup. Ask them well ahead of the service and let them pre-read your eulogy so they are prepared. Get yourself a glass of water to sip before and during your eulogy to help relax you, and bring a couple of tissues just in case. If you think you may mumble or not be able to speak coherently, consider printing copies of the eulogy to be distributed at the door. Then just get up there and do it. Any discomfort you feel will most likely dissipate once you start speaking. People are attending the service to support the family, not to judge your speaking skills. By writing and delivering a eulogy, you are giving a great gift to those gathered. You are allowing them to visit with the deceased one last time, and to realize they are not alone in their grief.
