If you are not familiar with the process of writing in general, it may be daunting to compose a eulogy. A common mistake made by the inexperienced is to imitate a lofty style. Don’t forget that whatever you write about your grandfather, you will have to read aloud as well. If you use simple, direct statements it will be far easier to read it when the moment comes. As you write, try reading your words aloud. Do they sound like something you would say? How long does it take to say it? (Three to seven minutes, or no more than a page, is an appropriate length in most circumstances.)
However, it is the organizing of your eulogy that will give you comfort. A eulogy makes everyone uncomfortable when it rambles, and and if you inadvertently leave something out, it may cause you regret.
One simple format, for which I will give instruction here, is the summary. Instead of telling the story of your grandfather’s life (something better left to his children or friends) try to summarize how you personally saw your grandfather.
After I eulogized my grandfather, his widow told me that my eulogy gave the funeral meaning. This is because I tried to say something about my grandfather’s whole person, not just points in his life. I said things like, “My grandfather had his own brand of humor” and “My grandfather embraced the good of the next life as eagerly as he embraced the good of this life.”
However, as in any work even slightly poetical in nature, don’t forget that it’s the specific, vivid details you put in that will support and bring life to the more general statements. You need both.
As his grandchild, you actually have a certain advantage. The older people at the funeral saw your grandfather make many of his life’s mistakes. You just see the end product of all the lessons he learned. You may very well see the final person he became with a purer vision than some people closer to him do.
Here are some questions to answer before outlining your eulogy. If an insightful answer comes to you, I recommend you write it down.
What did you learn from your grandfather? Do you think you got your endurance or optimism from him? Did he start traditions that came down to you?
What was it like being his grandchild? How did he approach his role as your grandfather?
What are your earliest memories of your grandfather? What is your final memory of him? Do you see any significance to his personality or the meaning of his life in these memories?
Did you grandfather do anything special for you? Did he help you with your education? Did he buy you your first car?
What were the major accomplishments and milestones of your grandfather’s life? What was unique about the family he founded? Did he have a career or business? Did he have a hobby or other pursuit at which he excelled? Did his nation honor him for service?
Was he part of any organization or club or company that was important to him? Did he contribute to it? Was he popular, or faithful, or foundational to it?
Do you see any relationship between the way your grandfather lived and the way he died?
Did your grandfather have any peculiar or interesting or admirable habits?
What was your grandfather known for in the family or among his friends? Do you see any humor in his reputation? Anything to praise?
What personal characteristics did your grandfather have? Was he especially good at listening, or compassionate, or strong, or intelligent? Was he bull-headed, forgetful, a frequenter of parties, or prey to some unusual phobia? Remember, it’s not just his virtues that you should remember. If you look at your grandfather honestly, you will see that each of his personal characteristics had good and bad sides. You will know that you have completely forgiven your grandfather and are ready to lay him to rest, when you can find humor and lovable traits in his true character, without either passing judgment on his negative qualities or pretending they didn’t exist. However, you must handle such things delicately. If you can’t figure out an understanding, dignified way of representing your grandfather’s true character, it is better to say only nice things.
Now take a break and meditate about your grandfather for a while. Clear your mind. Relax. Even ten minutes of quiet, with no striving to think of things, can give you an insight into what you’ve just written down.
Once you have drawn your general conclusions about your grandfather’s life and personality, begin fitting that information into the following outline. (Outlines feel more balanced when you group ideas into sets of three.)
I: How I experienced my grandfather
II: My grandfather’s life
III: My grandfather’s personality.
Under point one, begin to write sentences about how you knew your grandfather, your two or three most important memories of him, the special things he did for you or taught you, what it was like being his grandchild. At the end of this section, write a summary statement that gathers all that information together and draws a conclusion that is meaningful to everyone who will be present at the funeral. For instance, “So even though my grandfather seemed big and scary to me when I was three years old, I now know that he was a protector and a hero.
Now, under point two, back up and talk about your grandfather’s life. This is not the time to tell the whole story. Rather, think about your grandfather’s approach to life. Was it serious? Cheerful? Adventurous? Content? Now make some more specific statements. Talk about his accomplishments, associations, and his habits. For instance, “My grandfather had the same breakfast every morning for as long as I knew him. I don’t think I could do that. But you could see he really enjoyed his morning orange, egg, and toast. And now that I think about it, that same ability to enjoy whatever came his way colored his whole life. I think that’s why he was able to keep going after grandma passed away. Even though his heart was broken, he remained thankful for all the years they’d had together. Now he has his reward.”
After you finish this point, sum it up. “It seems fair to say that my grandfather was one of the most grateful, content men I ever knew, and I think he enjoyed life more than so many of us who are always working so hard for the latest toy.”
Finally, go on to point three. Obviously your grandfather’s personality will be closely related to the way he lived life. That’s all right. Use the conclusion from point two as a bridge to point three. But don’t repeat yourself. Or, if you have run out of material, skip point three and go right to the conclusion.
For point three, you want to draw on your grandfather’s personal characteristics, his reputation, and finally, the way he died. For instance, my grandfather died after a few strokes began shutting down his body. This was not what I found significant. The details of death’s ravages on a human being should not be dignified, I felt. My grandfather’s memory had more to do with the way he handled all of this.
He had lived life with great zest and an enjoyment of all the best things. But at the end he found he had some regrets. He reconciled with his estranged first wife, while still remaining close to his present wife. He returned to his Church, and gathered his children around to give them final blessings and warnings. He was cheerful to the end, but grew more patient and hopeful. On thinking about all this, I didn’t feel that his end was a contradiction of the rest of his life. I felt that it bore upon who my grandfather turned out to be as a unique person. He was someone who loved what is good, I felt, and while he certainly enjoyed the good things of this life he made sure to seize what really mattered before the end came. That’s why I summed him up as being someone who loved what is good.
Remember to “erase your outline.” For instance, don’t say, “For point one, I want to talk about my own experiences with my grandfather. The first time I saw him…” Instead, just go right into the part where you say, “The first time I saw my grandfather…” People will sense the underlying structure. But they do not want to hear you keeping track of it. Some people prefer to to write their eulogies word for word. Others want to organize their thoughts and then speak extemporaneously. Do what you think you will be most comfortable doing.
Every human being’s life has significance. We can’t always see what that significance is in the grand scheme of things, but often with a little searching we can find enough meaning to say something true and insightful that will help us to say goodbye with more peace.
For the conclusion of your grandfather’s eulogy, simply restate what you have said above in no more than three sentences. Then, you may choose to say goodbye to your grandfather in your own way, speaking directly to him. You can use a prayer, a poem, or a short personal message of gratitude or hope. Perhaps you will leave some significant memento in his casket. Either way, know how you are going to end. And when the end comes, sit down.
