We’ve lived in our neighborhood for 14 years. It’s a comfortable neighborhood with a good mix of home owners and renters of different ethnic, social and financial backgrounds. As we’ve raised our four children, we’ve had conversations about our children with neighbors as issues have needed to be resolved. These same conversations have also occurred regarding their children. Most have been resolved amicably.
About two years ago new neighbors moved in down the street. They seemed to be nice couple, young parents of three children ages 2, 5 and 8. We chatted from time to time, but over the course of the first year things began to change.
One afternoon after school, my 13 year old daughter Maria was out playing with our 5 year old. The neighbor’s 8 year old daughter, Cassie wanted to play also. Maria told her that she needed to check with her parents first because they were going across the street. She waited on the sidewalk while Cassie went to ask her mother. Cassie dashed out to Maria and on to play. (Keep in mind that they were within visual site of their front door the entire time.)
Later that afternoon, her father Kyle appeared on our doorstep a little drunk, and speaking loudly at my husband and me that our elder daughter had taken his off to play across the street without her mother’s permission. He was sure that Maria had heard his wife say ‘NO’ to his daughter.
As we spoke with him, we let him know that it was unlikely that our daughter heard what his wife had said because she is partially deaf because of childhood ear infections and surgery. At that point he moved closer to be almost toe to toe with me and began yelling and berating us about how our daughter dressed. We were shocked at the turn in the conversation!
The second incident occurred the first week after school ended. My eldest daughter Maria and our son David who is 11 were washing our cars out front. Both kids were dressed in old t-shirts, shorts and flip flops. Our neighbor, Kyle again stood out on his side yard swearing and yelling at the children as they were washing the cars. He began to also scold our daughter about the way she was dressed.
You might think that this is an elderly man who thought women should only dress in modest dresses, no slacks, shorts or jeans. Instead this is a man in his early 30’s and sports a number of tattoos. His wife also has a few noticeable tattoos and also dresses in shorts, slacks and jeans.
Things quieted down for the rest of the summer and we just passed it by thinking that perhaps he had some stress in his life and it was just an isolated incident. We were wrong!
This spring I stepped out of my car and began walking to my front door when I heard someone yelling. I wasn’t sure what I heard so I turned and stepped back to my car to see what was going on. My hearing is not all that great either.
Standing on the side of his yard was Kyle, my neighbor. He is yelling at me: “Your ‘god damn’ kids are throwing pine cones into my yard.” With a little more of a sarcastic drawl, he continues, “I’d appreciate it if you kept your pine cones in your yard!” The conversation grew louder and more threatening as he continued into a tirade about my children again. He was sure that my son swore at him daily under his breath as he walked in front of his house while across the street (he must have incredible hearing!), my daughter’s clothing choices and more than I can remember. I continued to back up towards my garage door. He finally backed off, but left me shaken and scared.
I decided at that point that I needed to take control.
Step One: Tell Someone!
First I called another neighbor Susan down the street. I explained what had just happened. Susan spoke with her husband. They had both heard Kyle yelling, but didn’t hear who he was talking to or what it was about.
That first step was empowering. I realized after speaking with Susan that both her husband and their neighbor Henry had seen issues with Kyle involving other people in the neighborhood. I was no longer alone!
Step Two: Keep Detailed Notes
This is important, if the escalates into any type of violence, detailed notes outlining each and every incident and possible witnesses will become important if the police become involved.
Step Three: Know Your Enemy
Does he/she own or rent? If the person is a renter, a well written letter to the owner or landlord may solve your problem. Chances are if someone is this hostile outside of their home, they may also take some of their aggression out on the inside of their home. The owner or leasing company may want to do a property inspection.
Where does he/she work? Knowing the employer is important. If you become involved in litigation and win a judgment for damages it is nice to know where to garnish wages.
Step Three: Avoid Confrontation
I have built a relationship with a several teachers in our elementary school over the years. Our daughters entered kindergarten at the same time. With only one kindergarten teacher, I spent time with the teacher explaining the situation. I made it clear that I wanted to avoid any and all confrontation if at all possible. Mrs. Salina was very understanding and agreed to place my daughter in the afternoon class because our neighbor’s daughter was in the morning class.
At the end of the school year, we had a similar conversation. I let Mrs. Salina know that I would prefer a specific teacher, but would accept any other teacher if it meant placing both children in the same classroom. My concern is that the girls would become best buddies at school, or fierce enemies. Keeping them apart seems like the wisest choice.
For the time being, things have calmed down. I still keep my notebook, and occasionally take a snap shot or two of his children as they do something that he accused my children of doing. For now they gather dust which is where I hope they will continue to stay.
In a normal situation, a simple conversation can solve an issue. But when a situation escalates beyond what you think is normal, be on the offensive! Protect yourself.
