While some might look at the military community and see a microcosm of the civilian world, military marriages are faced with unique problems that aren’t always on the finer side of the barbed-wire fence. Aside from deployment challenges, a closer look might make one wonder if the enlisted military community really does represent the larger whole as we seem to be plagued as a whole with too-young marriages, high divorce rates, domestic violence, and of course most of the one income enlisted military families live below the poverty level, none of which are conducive to a healthy marriage. A few hard truths and tips can bring a rocky marriage back from the brink.
Due to the ongoing conflict in the Middle East, some changes in the marriage are to be expected and not all can be helped. One common reason for divorce after deployments has to do with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the military member not being able to quickly assimilate back into home life. Both partners feel like the other should be more understanding and accommodating yet without therapy and solid debriefings, the homecoming can turn into a violent one and spouses might opt to take their kids and run before the situation turns physical. Of all of the reasons marriages fail, this relationship needs the most nurturing and communication if it is to work out.
Stressful deployments aside there are plenty of other avoidable situations that can help keep a marriage together. Many marriages and divorces in the military stem from women getting pregnant during their first tour. Women are allowed to live in the barracks while they are pregnant but for obvious reasons the barracks are no place for families. As soon as the baby is born the mother begins receiving a living allowance which varies depending how low or high the cost of living is out in town. Young enlisted Military personnel in their first tour only bring home an average of $1,500 a month. In most military towns the Basic Allowance for Housing, or BAH for an E-3 or below is less than $1,000 extra a month. So now these new mothers aren’t just paying for new baby expenses, they are left with rent, a busted car, insurance and groceries for the first time in their young lives. This hardship is usually why the couple thinks it’s a good idea to get married as each active duty individual will receive “BAH with Dependants,” in essence doubling the family’s income but still living below the poverty level after taxes and other expenses.
Some people in the Armed Forces are getting married at 18 and 19 before the men have a chance to sew their oats. I don’t mean to pick on the men but the women tend to spend more time at home with the baby and men succumb to the premature pressures of marriage and a baby and rebel with another woman. If there is no cheating in the picture, there’s still a lot of arguing and sometimes physical or emotional abuse that can lead to the breakdown of young marriages. The odds are definitely against young Military members in this situation.
Couples in teetering marriages who wait a little longer to have children can experience a phenomenon that takes place just as much in the civilian world as it does in the military. Some women will manipulate their birth control in order to have a baby in hopes it will “fix” a marriage. For these women, hormones take precedence over sound reasoning as they don’t think about the extra stress a baby will being into the picture. While having a baby may keep a couple together longer, it won’t fix the underlying problems and the marriage turns into a time bomb.
This next part is targeted towards the female spouse. While this may sound superficial, one of the best ways to secure a marriage is to take care of your spouse partially by taking care of yourself. Taking care of yourself will ensure your spouse stays proud of his bride and it will keep you from becoming too insecure to deal with. Many women lose sight of their health and become seriously overweight and with the weight gain comes ugly, paralyzing insecurities that can turn into possessiveness and downright mean attitudes. In a perfect world men would be more compassionate and perhaps less visual creatures but medical issues aside, when a blushing happy bride slowly turns into bridezilla, what can you reasonably expect from a man? If the woman lets herself go both physically and mentally, how long should the husband remain in this sort of relationship hell? One of two things are going to happen in this situation. The overweight wife will become more and more insecure as the weight piles on. That insecurity brings about inaccurate accusations about the husband cheating or finding other women prettier. Men like to throw around the excuse, “Well if I keep getting accused for nothing I might as well do it.” Some of these women control and almost whip their husbands by withholding sex or using it as leverage, which practically pushes their men out the door into other women’s arms.
Oppositely, type A males can also turn on a wife who has gained too much weight and be verbally and emotionally abusive to her. Name calling and insults will commence and leave the wife with no self-worth or self-confidence. When women have no self worth, how can they possibly lose the unhealthy pounds? Some women secretly gain even more weight to teach these mean husbands a lesson only to see their so-called efforts backfire in their faces. No matter the individual story, being overweight almost never helps a marriage and in the military community there just seem to be more overweight wives pert housing area block than compared with the civilian population.
While there are many sides to every story and every marriage, there is no acceptable way to rationalize cheating or abuse. Why divorce seems more prominent in military societies isn’t always a mystery but a little effort can go a long way in saving these marriages. Just showing you care and are trying to get help through premarital counseling, couple’s therapy, parenting classes, visiting the base W.I.C.(Women, Infants and Children), Chaplain or simply going to the gym can change attitudes and commitment for the better and result in happier, longer-lasting marriages.
