As I was getting ready for a wedding, I noticed a blood stain. It was one tiny drop of blood. At six weeks pregnant, I thought that I was having a miscarriage. My husband and I drove immediately to the hospital and I was given an internal exam. We were feeling anxiety and saddened by what the news could have been. Both sacs are fine.” Those were the exact words spoken by the doctor. My husband and I began to cry. The crying turned into laughter. Rather than losing a baby, we were having two.
As the months went on, I was in my glory. The attention that I received for expecting twins was simply amazing. My family and friends were shocked and curious about the pregnancy and how the babies would change our lives. I bought all the books that you could think of and read as many articles as I could about expecting multiples. At four months, I found out that I was having daughters. “Life will be even more beautiful when the girls arrive,” I said time and time again.
The books and articles did not prepare me. The websites that I visited each day did not prepare me. Nothing could prepare anybody for delivering twins. My husband and I took Hypnobirthing classes to prepare me mentally for birthing in hopes to ease any pain. I was naïve. I wore makeup into the delivery room and brought my size 4 jeans that I thought I would fit back into once the babies were out.
I delivered my daughters in the winter of 2003. The delivery was hard. I attempted to do my Hypnobirthing, but the pain was unbearable. At 37 weeks, I was induced and given a C-section. I was not even conscious after the delivery because I hemorrhaged. The next days following the birth were blurred and filled with pain. I couldn’t even hold the girls because I had gotten an infection which caused fevers and vomiting. Life was not as I expected it to be. I looked even more pregnant than when I really was carrying twins. The jeans would not fit. Would I be fit as a mother of twins?
In the hospital they stayed in the nursery each night because I was too weak to care for them. The nurses told us that they slept well and I was hoping that when we brought them home, they would sleep just as soundly. One week later, we brought home the girls. I was wrong. Why did so many people tell me that their babies slept through the night within the first few days? This did not hold true for us. The first night home, we screamed, we cried, we did not sleep. For months we did not sleep. I did not expect this.
There were strategies that helped us cope. Because we bottle fed, we slept the girls in their car-seats. My husband and I alternated feedings during the night so that we could get as much sleep as we could. Having the girls in their car-seats allowed one of us at a time to feed the girls using both hands. The left hand would be used to feed one child, and the right hand to feed the other. I was also put on sleeping medication to help me fall asleep after I fed the girls. The sleep deprivation and hormone changes put me into a Postpartum Depression.
Once or twice a week we were fortunate enough to have family members stay overnight and allow us to get a full night’s sleep. I truly feel that if we did not have this support, I would have fallen into a worse state of depression. My mother was also there day in and day out to help care for the twins while my husband was working. She is our angel and blessed one. Words cannot express the gratitude we feel toward her. My mother is unselfish, gracious, and our light of hope.
I did try to nap when the girls were napping, but thoughts were racing through my mind constantly and I felt that I had to do housework. I do wish I knew now what I didn’t know then. The girls are three years old now and it is rare that my house is spotless. I don’t worry about it now, and I wish I didn’t worry then. It is true; the mess will get cleaned up eventually. It does not matter if you have clutter when you are the verge of self destruction.
The bottle feedings drove me crazy. One week I read that I should boil the water, and then make a sufficient amount of bottles to last two full days. I bought about forty bottles so that I could have my refrigerator stacked. It only made matters worse. I couldn’t figure out when I had made the bottles and then I was paranoid that I was giving the twins spoiled formula. I had to execute dishwasher load after dishwasher load. I then bought bottle warmers which only burnt the bottoms of my expensive bottles. I was then told the best tip of advice concerning the feedings. My pediatrician told me to have only four bottles. When it was time for a feeding, put the warm tap water in the two bottles with the proper amount of formula powder and that was that. The next feeding two hours later, do the same. After washing the four bottles by hand, I would repeat the process. Life was much simpler. These are the things I wish I had known before.
The first three years of my daughter’s lives are a blur to me now. I can’t remember when they turned over for the first time, or when they said their first word. All I know is that I am glad that I didn’t give up. They are the most beautiful children I could have been blessed with. As I sit here typing this article, they are walking down the hall hand in hand saying, “We are best friends. Let’s pretend that you are the Mommy and I am the baby.” They are smart and kind and compassionate. They play hard and work together. I am proud of my daughters and I am proud of our families. They have helped us day in and day out to mold the girls into what they will become. Life is easy now. They play together for hours on end. Many people ask when I will be ready for more children. My answer is always, “We are happy with our twin daughters. We could not ask for more.”
