One of today’s leading choices of entertainment is talk shows. Leading the rest is Jerry Springer. A man much more entertaining that never received ratings for his work was Geoffrey Chaucer. His stories of Midevil life in England bring far more surprise to an audience than any of Springer’s guests. His story The Miller’s Tale was extremely captivating and funny.
In the prologue, there is a drunken miller and he is the one who tells the story. Other people try to tell the miller to stop, as he has had too much to drink, but he guarantees that this is a story that needs to be told. In the prologue, the miller calls himself a cuckold, meaning an old fool whose wife cheats on him. In this manner, he seems to imply that he may be the carpenter from the story. He states that his story is meant to warn other men not to befall the same fate.
The miller starts off giving the setting of the tale. The carpenter rents a room to the young scholar Nicholas. “A poor scholar was lodging with him there…” During this time, peasants did not always trust scholars, but in this tale Nicholas is sought by the townsfolk as a confidence, counselor, and even advisor. Because of his love for astrology he is considered knowledgeable on many things. He is sought for so many things the miller chooses not to relay them all here. The miller states this when the text reads:
“If men but asked in certain hours,
When they should have drought or else have showers,
Or if men asked him what should befall
To anything, I cannot reckon them all.
This clerk was called the clever Nicholas;
Of secret loves he knew and their solace;
And he kept counsel, too for he was sly…”
The carpenter’s wife was named Abigail. She was young and wild, while the carpenter was old and jealous. It was common in those days to find a young girl of just 18, like Abigail, married to an older man with a large or wealthy estate. It was a match of youth to wealth. The carpenter held her close by, because he feared that she may cheat on him as young and wild as she was. The miller goes on to praise Abigail’s beauty with his words.
“She was a far more pleasant thing to see
Than is the newly budded young pear-tree”
But he also describes her as skittish.
“Skittish she was as a pretty colt,”
After describing Abigail, the miller goes on to tell of how Nicholas comes to try to woo her. He is straight forward; that’s for sure! There is actually no wooing here. He grabs her straight, and tries to have his way with her! She rejects him at first, but then later grants him her love. She tells him that he must wait until the next chance they have. Her husband is so jealous that she is afraid she would be as good as dead if her husband knew.
Upon hearing this Nicholas tells Abigail that if he can’t fool the carpenter then his studying is all wasted.
“‘Nay thereof, worry not,’ said Nicholas.
`A clerk has lazily employed his while
If he cannot a carpenter beguile.'”
After saying this, Nicholas gropes Abigail for a while before kissing her and then singing her a song. Abigail washes up and goes to church! In this church there is a man working named Absolom. In that time he would have been known as a Burgoise. This meant that he was a well-off peasant that wished to be a noble. He dressed like a noble and acted prim and proper like a noble. His dress is described when the text reads:
“With St. Paul’s windows cut open on his shoes,
He stood in red hose fitting famously.
And he was clothed full well and properly
All in a coat of blue, in which were let
Holes for the lacings, which were fairly set.
And over all he wore a fine surplice
As white as ever hawthorn spray, and nice”
It comes to pass that Absolom also falls for Abigail, and he is a courtly lover. When he sees Abigail in the church, Absolom’s adoration is described by the miller in a humorous way.
“To look at her he thought a merry life,
She was so pretty, sweet, and lickerous.
I dare well say, if she had been a mouse
And he a cat, he would have mauled her some.”
The miller describes Absolom a cheery fellow that frequents the town’s bars, but also, again describing his noble-like behavior, describes him as squeamish around the bar-like behavior.
Once falling for Abigail, Absolom swears he will forever be her page and immediately takes up trying to woo her. He sings to her nightly underneath her bedroom window. Even the carpenter is awakened by his singing. When the carpenter asks his wife if she hears Absolom’s song she replies:
“Yes, God knows, John, I bear it, truth to tell.”
In courtly love, marriage does not stop a lover from wooing his beloved. Absalom sings, sends her presents, and much more, but to no avail. She is in love with Nicholas. She simply uses Absolom for the gifts and Nicholas receives all of her affection.
It is at this point of the story that the carpenter takes a trip again. While he is gone Nicholas and Abigail come up with a plan to busy her husband so that they may be together all night. Nicholas takes plenty of food and locks himself in his room. When the carpenter comes to look for him Abigail acts as though she believes he is sick, as he will not answer his door. The carpenter worries that all of Nicholas’ studying has finally driven him mad. When the carpenter goes to break down the door to his boarder’s room, Nicholas acts as though he has awoken from a trance. He then tells the carpenter that he has had a vision that he can share only with him. The carpenter buys it word for word. Nicholas tells the carpenter that he must find three kneading tubs to use for boats for another flood is coming like in the day of Noah, and the only people that Nicholas can save is the carpenter, Abigail and himself. He also tells him to gather food and gives him directions as to what to do to prepare for the flood.
“Presently go, and fetch here to this inn A kneading-tub, or brewing vat, and win One each for us, but see that they are large, Wherein we may swim out as in a barge, And have therein sufficient food and drink For one day only; that’s enough, I think. The water will dry up and flow away About the prime of the succeeding day. But Robin must not know of this, your knave, And even Jill, your maid, I may not save; Ask me not why, for though you do ask me, I will not tell you of God’s privity. Suffice you, then, unless your wits are mad, To have as great a grace as Noah had. Your wife I shall not lose, there is no doubt, Go, now, your way, and speedily about, But when you have, for you and her and me, Procured these kneading-tubs, or beer-vats, three, Then you shall hang them near the roof-tree high, That no man our purveyance may espy. And when you thus have done, as I have said, And have put in our drink and meat and bread, Also an axe to cut the ropes in two When the flood comes, that we may float and go, And cut a hole, high up, upon the gable, Upon the garden side, over the stable, That we may freely pass forth on our way When the great rain and flood are gone that day- Then shall you float as merrily, I’ll stake, As does the white duck after the white drake.
When the carpenter tells his wife about this, she tells him he must listen to Nicholas. Of course, she was in on the plan. When John, the carpenter, has found the three tubs, he hangs them from the rafters of the house as he was told to do. When the night came that Nicholas talked about, the three of them climbed up into their tubs. After awhile, Abigail and Nicholas hear John snoring in his tub. Finally, the night is theirs! They quickly climb back down to conduct their business in the carpenter’s bed.
While all of this is going on Absolom is out roaming about and decides it is time for Abigail to show him some affection. He heads for her house and when he arrives he asks for a kiss. What happens cannot be described better than the way the text reads.
“Go from the window, Jack-a-napes,” she said, “For, s’help me God, it is not ‘come kiss me.’ I love another, or to blame I’d be, Better than you, by Jesus, Absalom! Go on your way, or I’ll stone you therefrom, And let me sleep, the fiends take you away!” “Alas,” quoth Absalom, “and welaway! That true love ever was so ill beset! But kiss me, since you’ll do no more, my pet, For Jesus’ love and for the love of me.” “And will you go, then, on your way?” asked she, “Yes truly, darling,” said this Absalom. “Then make you ready,” said she, “and I’ll come!” And unto Nicholas said she, low and still: “Be silent now, and you shall laugh your fill.” This Absalom plumped down upon his knees, And said: “I am a lord in all degrees; For after this there may be better still Darling, my sweetest bird, I wait your will.” The window she unbarred, and that in haste. “Have done,” said she, “come on, and do it fast, Before we’re seen by any neighbour’s eye.” This Absalom did wipe his mouth all dry; Dark was the night as pitch, aye dark as coal, And through the window she put out her hole. And Absalom no better felt nor worse, But with his mouth he kissed her naked arse Right greedily, before he knew of this. Aback he leapt- it seemed somehow amiss, For well he knew a woman has no beard; He’d felt a thing all rough and longish haired, And said, “Oh fie, alas! What did I do?” “Teehee!” she laughed, and clapped the, window to; And Absalom went forth a sorry pace. “A beard! A beard!” cried clever Nicholas, “Now by God’s corpus, this goes fair and well!” This hapless Absalom, he heard that yell, And on his lip, for anger, he did bite; And to himself he said, “I will requite!” Who vigorously rubbed and scrubbed his lips With dust, with sand, with straw, with cloth, with chips, But Absalom, and often cried “Alas!
Abigail hung her naked rear out the window, and Absolom greedily kissed it!! Never would you hear a story like this on any modern talk show! After being humiliated like this, Absalom swears revenge. He heads straight for the blacksmith’s where he asks to borrow a hot poker. He heads back to Abigails and when he knocks he tells her that he has come for another kiss.
“Why no,” quoth he, “God knows, my sweet roseleaf,
I am your Absalom, my own darling!
Of gold,” quoth he, “I have brought you a ring;
My mother gave it me, as I’ll be saved;
Fine gold it is, and it is well engraved;
This will I give you for another kiss.”
At this point Nicholas decides to get in on the fun, and he hangs his naked rear out the window. Not only this, but he farts in Absalom’s face. No more fun is to be had, though as his rear is meet with a hot poker that burns a hand-breadth of skin off. The first thing Nicholas yells, though, is “Water!”. The carpenter asleep above, awaiting the flood, awakens in a daze. He thinks this means the flood is under way, so he cuts the rope holding his tub so that he will float, as was the plan. Instead he crashes to the ground and breaks his arm. Abigail and Nicholas act as though they have no idea what he is talking about when he speaks of the flood to the townspeople who have gathered. The townspeople laugh and call him crazy! This is how the carpenter was made a cuckold.
“And thought that it would carry on the jape To have his arse kissed by this jack-a-nape. And so he opened window hastily, And put his arse out thereat, quietly, Over the buttocks, showing the whole bum; And thereto said this clerk, this Absalom, “O speak, sweet bird, I know not where thou art.” This Nicholas just then let fly a fart As loud as it had been a thunder-clap, And well-nigh blinded Absalom, poor chap; But he was ready with his iron hot And Nicholas right in the arse he got. Off went the skin a hand’s-breadth broad, about, The coulter burned his bottom so, throughout, That for the pain he thought that he should die. And like one mad he started in to cry, “Help! Water! Water! For God’s dear heart!” This carpenter out of his sleep did start, Hearing that “Water!” cried as madman would, And thought, “Alas, now comes down Noel’s flood!” He struggled up without another word And with his axe he cut in two the cord, And down went all; he did not stop to trade In bread or ale till he’d the journey made, And there upon the floor he swooning lay. Up started Alison and Nicholay And shouted “Help!” and “Hello!” down the street. The neighbours, great and small, with hastening feet Swarmed in the house to stare upon this man, Who lay yet swooning, and all pale and wan; For in the falling he had smashed his arm. He had to suffer, too, another harm, For when he spoke he was at once borne down By clever Nicholas and Alison. For they told everyone that he was odd; He was so much afraid of “Noel’s” flood, Through fantasy, that out of vanity He’d gone and bought these kneading-tubs, all three, And that he’d hung them near the roof above; And that he had prayed them, for God’s dear love, To sit with him and bear him company. The people laughed at all this fantasy; Up to the roof they looked, and there did gape, And so turned all his injury to a jape. For when this carpenter got in a word, ‘Twas all in vain, no man his reasons heard; With oaths imprenive he was so sworn down, That he was held for mad by all the town;”
Chaucer’s story here tops any talk show guest. This tale was absolute comic ingenuity. It would make a delightfully funny stage play, as would the rest of Chaucer’s tales put together. It is a wonderful work of art that Geoffrey Chaucer tops off with a wonderful ending.
“Thus futtered was the carpenter’s goodwife,
For all his watching and his jealousy;
And Absalom has kissed her nether eye;
And Nicholas is branded on the butt.
This tale is done, and God save all the rout!”
(All excerpts of text are from the modern english version found at http://userweb.lightspeed.net/cheezit/tales/miller.html)
