Best Seinfeld Seasons 1 and 2 Quotes
Best Seinfeld Season 3 Quotes
Best Seinfeld Season 4 Quotes
Seinfeld is known for some very memorable quotes. This is a list of some of the best quotes from Season 5:
Jerry: How did she do it? She’s like Meryl Streep this woman. And I know how to work the equipment. I’m not unskilled, I’m in the union.
– The Mango
Kramer: So she faked ’em , so what?
Jerry: The woman had a orgasm under false pretenses…that’s sexual perjury!
– The Mango
George: She gave me the hook.
Jerry: You got the hook?
George: It’s like the manager coming out to ask you for the ball.
– The Mango
Jerry: What about the panting, the moaning, the groaning, the screaming?
Elaine: Fake, fake, fake, fake.
– The Mango
Kramer: This pirate trend that she’s come up with, Jerry — this is gonna be the new look for the 90’s. You’re gonna be the first pirate!
Jerry: But, I don’t wanna to be a pirate!
– The Puffy Shirt
Homeless Guy #1: (wearing the Puffy Shirt) Can you spare a little change for an old buccaneer?
– The Puffy Shirt
Elaine: That’s it? I don’t need a shot?
Doctor: Not shot, dog bite.
Elaine: No, no, no. I know I wasn’t shot. Do I need a shot?
Doctor: Not shot, dog bite. Woof woof; not bang-bang.
– The Glasses
Jerry: (About George’s lady’s frames) I don’t know what to tell you Elton.
– The Glasses
George: You know, I wish there were Pigmen. You get a bunch of these Pigmen walking around, suddenly I’m looking a lot better. So when someone sets me up they could say, well at least he’s no Pigman.
– The Bris
Kramer: Did he use any slang? Did he say ‘man’ a lot? What about when he was leaving? Did he say, ‘I’m splittin’?
– The Sniffing Accountant
George: You’re giving me the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ routine. I invented ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. Nobody tells me it’s not them, it’s me. If it’s anybody, it’s me!
Gwen: Alright, George, it’s you.
George: You’re damn right it’s me!
– The Lip Reader
Newman: (to Jerry) Alright… alright, you go ahead… You go ahead, you keep your secret… But you remember this: when you control the mail, you control… information.
– The Lip Reader
Jerry: Maybe your yogurt isn’t so non-fat.
Kramer: Oh, guess again, tubby!
– The Non-Fat Yogurt
Jerry: (about George) He likes a date to see him with a friend so she can get a window into his non-date personality.
Elaine: I’ve looked through that window and screamed at him to shut the blinds.
– The Masseuse
Elaine: Jerry, she gives massages all day. She doesn’t want to give them on dates.
Jerry: (disgusted) Yeah, I know, she just wants to have sex…
– The Masseuse
Estelle: (to Sylvia) George doesn’t work. He’s a bum.
– The Cigar-Store Indian
George: By Christmas day I will be Brother Costanza!
Jerry: And what does Brother Costanza plan on telling Mother Costanza?
George: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.
– The Conversion
Jerry: (about Tony) He’s a male bimbo. He’s a Mimbo!
– The Stall
Jane/Elaine: I can’t spare a square. I don’t have a square to spare.
– The Stall
Elaine: You know, I often wonder what you’ll be like when you’re senile.
Jerry: I’m looking forward to it.
Elaine: Yeah, I think it’ll be a smooth transition for you.
Jerry: Thank you.
– The Dinner Party
Jerry: My stomach. I think it was that cookie.
Elaine: The black and white?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Not getting along?
Jerry: I think I got David Duke and Farrakhan down there.
– The Dinner Party
Jerry: Look to the cookie Elaine, look to the cookie
– The Dinner Party
George: The sea was angry that day, my friends – like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, “Easy, big fella!” And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him – face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
(George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball)
Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
(George nods)
Kramer: Hole in one, huh?
– The Marine Biologist
Kramer: Hey… Who wants to have some fun?
Jerry/George: I do!
Kramer: Now are you just saying you want to have fun, or do you really want to have fun?
Jerry: I really want to have fun!
George: I’m just saying I want to have some fun.
– The Marine Biologist
Jerry: Well, Poppy’s a little sloppy.
– The Pie
Kramer: (to Elaine, about the mannequin) It’s like they chopped off your arms and legs, dipped you in plastic, then screwed you all back together again and stuck you on a pedestal. It’s really quite exquisite!
– The Pie
Jerry: So you were talking, you’re having pleasant conversation, then all of sudden…
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: It?
Elaine: It.
Jerry: Out?
Elaine: Out.
– The Stand-In
Elaine: If you were a woman, would you go out with him?
Jerry: If I was a woman, I’d be down at the dock waiting for the fleet to come in.
– The Stand-In
Jerry: How do you stop a kid from growing?
Kramer: (to Mickey) I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.
Mickey: I offered him cigarettes, but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won’t let him have any.
– The Stand-In
George: (on why he peed in the shower) It’s unhealthy to hold it in. I read that in a medical journal.
Jerry: Did the medical journal say anything about standing in a pool of someone else’s urine?
– The Wife
Jerry: I don’t know why you’re interested in this guy. He’s a jerk!
Elaine: Because he doesn’t pay any attention to me and he ignores me.
Jerry: Yeah, so?
Elaine: I respect that.
– The Wife
George: Maybe this will become like a cool thing: living with your parents.
Jerry: Yeah, then maybe baldness will catch on. Things will all be turning your way.
– The Raincoats Part 1
Kramer: Oh hey, Helen, uh, could I use some more of your hand lotion?
Helen: I told you it was good.
Kramer: Yeah!
Helen: It’s from the Sak’s Fifth Avenue in Miami.
Kramer: Mmm. I’m gonna remember that if I’m ever in Florida.
Jerry: Yeah, or if you’re ever on Fifth Avenue here, in New York City.
– The Raincoats Part 1
Helen: How could you?
Jerry: How could I what?
Helen: You were making out during Schindler’s List?!
Jerry: What? No.
Morty: Don’t lie, Jerry!
Jerry: (turns) Newman!
– The Raincoats Part 2
Elaine: (on Aaron) I can’t even say anything, you know, because all he’s really doing is being nice, but nobody is this nice. This is like certifiably nice.
– The Raincoats Part 2
Kramer: Then, everybody is screaming because the bus driver is passed out from all the commotion. The bus is out of control! So I grab him by the collar, take him out of the seat. I get behind the wheel and now I’m driving the bus!
George: You’re Batman.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I’m fighting him off with one hand, and I kept driving the bus with the other, you know. Then, I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, you know. With my foot, you know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell.
– The Fire
Fireman: How do you live with yourself?
George: It’s not easy.
– The Fire
George: She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals.
Jerry: Well, perhaps when she’s released from the burnt center she’ll see things differently.
– The Fire
George: I was in the POOL! I was in the POOL!
– The Hamptons
Jerry: (about topless Jane) George hasn’t even seen her yet.
Elaine: Why do you think we’re getting a sneak preview?
Kramer: Maybe she’s trying to create a buzz.
Elaine: What?
Kramer: You know, get some good word-of-mouth going.
– The Hamptons
Victoria: Who are you George Costanza?
George: I’m the opposite of every guy you’ve ever met.
– The Opposite
Jerry: The New York Yankees?
George: The New York Yankees!
Jerry: Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle… Costanza?!
– The Opposite
George: My name is George. I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.
Woman: I’m Victoria. Hi.
– The Opposite
Yankees exec: This is Mr. Costanza. He’s one of the applicants.
Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.
George: Well, I wish I could say the same. But I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduce them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!
Steinbrenner: Hire this man!
– The Opposite
All information gathered from TV.com
