Best Seinfeld Seasons 1 and 2 Quotes
Best Seinfeld Season 3 Quotes
Seinfeld is known for some very memorable quotes. Here is a list of some of the best quotes from Season 4:
Kid: I said, “Hey, Kramer, you ever kill a man?” And he says, “What do you think, junior? These hands been bathing in Ivory liquid?”
– The Trip Part 1
Jerry: (seeing George’s big pile of luggage) It’s a three day trip. Who are you, Diana Ross?
George: I dress based on mood.
Jerry: But you essentially always wear the same thing.
George: Seemingly. But, within that basic framework, there are a number of subtle variations, visible only to the trained observer, that reveal the many moods, the many shades, of George Costanza.
Jerry: And what is this?
George: This is morning mist.
– The Trip Part 1
Kramer: You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl.
Jerry: Kramer, she was murdered!
Kramer: Yeah, well I wasn’t looking for a long term relationship. I was on TV.
George: As a suspect in a serial killing.
Kramer: Ok, yeah, you guys got to put a negative spin on everything.
– The Trip Part 2
Russell: Well, why am I watching it?
George: Because it’s on TV.
Russell: (pausing) Not yet.
Russell and George discussing the possibility of Jerry and George’s show about nothing.
– The Pitch
Newman: Would you please tell the court, in your own words, what happened on the afternoon of September 10th.
Kramer: What do you mean in my own words? Who’s words are they gonna be?
Newman and Kramer in court.
– The Ticket
Helen: How could anyone not like you?
A recurring question Jerry’s mother asks on the show is how anyone can not like Jerry.
– The Wallet Part 1
Jerry: What are you repeating everything I say?
George: What are you repeating everything I say?
Jerry: Well George is an idiot.
George: Well G…
– The Wallet Part 1
Kramer: Have we been intimate?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah we’ve been intimate.
Kramer: And how often do we do it?
Elaine: Kramer! How is that important? Honestly, do you really think he’s going to ask you that?
Kramer: Elaine, he’s a psychiatrist. They’re interested in stuff like that.
Elaine: All right, all right. We do it, uh… five times a week. Okay?
Kramer: Ooooh baby!
Kramer and Elaine discussing Kramer meeting her psychiatrist.
– The Wallet Part 2
Jerry: (to George) Let me see if I understand this – in other words, you held out for LESS money?!
When Jerry finds out how much George finally agreed to do the pilot for.
– The Wallet Part 2
Bubble Boy: Okay, “History”, this is for the game. How ya doing over there? Not too good!
George: Alright Bubble Boy, let’s just play. Who invaded Spain in the 8th century?
Bubble Boy: That’s a joke… The Moors.
George: Ohhh no! I’m so sorry it’s the Moops! The correct answer is the Moops!
George and the Bubble Boy playing Trivial Pursuit.
– The Bubble Boy
Jerry: I like this opera crowd; I feel tough.
– The Opera
George: Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when I made that toast at Bobby Leighton’s wedding.
Jerry: Oh, that was a bad toast.
George: It wasn’t that bad.
Jerry: I never heard anybody curse in a toast.
George: I was trying to loosen ’em up a little bit.
Jerry: There were old people there, all the relatives. You were like a Redd Foxx record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. They were just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been one of the worst all time toasts.
George: Alright, still her father didn’t have to throw me out like that, he could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock!
– The Opera
George: I don’t think I could do it. You know, they always remember the first time. I don’t want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten.
– The Virgin
Jerry: you know, it’s a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can get you girls. But, you also have a relationship. But if you try and get rid of the relationship so you can get the girls, you lose the job. You see the irony?
– The Virgin
Jerry: Let me ask you this: is there any Tampax in your house?
George: Yeah…
Jerry: Well, I’ll tell you what you got here. You got yourself a girlfriend.
George: Oh no!
– The Virgin
Estelle: I don’t understand you. I really don’t. You have nothing better to do at 3:00 in the afternoon? I go out for a quart of milk; I come home, and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park!
– The Contest
Kramer: So, you’re still master of your domain.
Jerry: Yes. Yes I am. Master of my domain.
– The Contest
Jerry: (on Kramer’s chance of winning the contest) You’ll be out before the check comes!
– The Contest
George: You bought non-refundable tickets, you idiot!
Kramer: She talked me in to it. She said it was the best deal.
George and Kramer talking about the tickets Kramer bought, which were supposed to be refundable.
– The Airport
Jerry: It smells like a cheap hooker. Or is that you?
Elaine: Give me ten bucks and find out.
– The Airport
Jerry: You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. Because a girl runs like a girl, with the little steps and the arms flailing out. You wanna make this plane, you’ve gotta run like a man! Get your knees up!
– The Airport
Jerry: Are we not human?! If we pick, do we not bleed?!
– The Pick
Elaine: Let me tell you, I didn’t intentionally expose myself, but, now, I wish I had. For it is not me, but you who have been exposed, for I have seen the nipple on your soul!
– The Pick
Elaine: Men can sit through the most pointless, boring movie if there’s even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.
– The Movie
George: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating, that’s a fantasy camp.
– The Visa
George: Nobody is sicker than me.
– The Visa
Babu’s brother: Where is Babu? What happened to Babu? Show me Babu!
– The Visa
George: Divorce is very difficult, especially on the kids. Of course, I’m the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know.
– The Shoes
Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don’t stare at it. It’s too risky! You get a sense of it and then you look away.
– The Shoes
Jerry: We’re not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
– The Outing
Jerry: I’ve been outed, and I was never in!
– The Outing
Kramer: Come on, I thought we were all gonna take a steam.
Jerry & George: No! No Steam!
Kramer: Well I don’t wanna sit there naked all by myself!
– The Outing
Old Lady: What’s bothering you? Is it my goiter?
Elaine: Goiter? What goiter?
Old Lady: This football shaped growth jutting out of my neck!
Elaine: Oh, no…it’s distinctive; as a matter of fact I wish I had one!
– The Old Man
George: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I’m pretty much like you, only successful.
– The Old Man
Elaine: I never knew you were so into breasts. I thought you were a leg man.
Jerry: A leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don’t need legs. I have legs.
– The Implant
(George double-dips a chip, and Timmy rushes over to him after seeing what he did)
Timmy: What are you doing?
George: What?
Timmy: Did…did you just double-dip that chip?
George: Excuse me?
Timmy: You double-dipped the chip!
George: Double-dipped? What are you talking about?
Timmy: You dipped the chip, you took a bite, and you dipped again.
George: So?
Timmy: That’s like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it!
– The Implant
Elaine: (to Jerry) Just when I think you’re the shallowest man I’ve ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.
– The Implant
Sidra: And by the way. They’re real, and they’re spectacular!
– The Implant
Kramer: Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint -it’s delicious!
Jerry: That’s true.
Kramer: It’s very refreshing!
– The Junior Mint
George: “Interest” – it’s an amazing thing, you make money by doing nothing.
Jerry: I have some friends who base their lives on that very principal.
George: Really? Who?
Jerry: No one you know.
– The Junior Mint
George(on Kramer): He stole your girlfriend?
Susan: Yes. She’s in love with him.
George: Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings ’em back.
– The Smelly Car
Elaine: When you’re with a guy, and he tells you he has to get up early, what does that mean?
Jerry: It means he’s lying.
– The Smelly Car
Kramer: She’s got everything I’ve ever wanted in another human being … except for the walking.
– The Handicap Spot
Jerry: (to George) You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You’re telling the world: I give up! I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
– The Pilot Part 1
George: God would never let me be successful; he’d kill me first. He’d never let me be happy.
Therapist: I thought you didn’t believe in God?
George: I do for the bad things.
– The Pilot Part 1
Jerry: Did you ever notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves? I think when you name a baby Jeeves; you’ve pretty much mapped out his future. Not much chance he’s gonna be a hitman. “Terribly sorry, sir, but I’m going to have to whack you.”
– The Pilot Part 2
Information from TV.com was used in this article.
