If there is one thing that every American loves, it is a good old fashioned list. It doesn’t matter to the everyman what this list is about- hell, it could be a list of Cher’s greatest selling singles since 1985. As long as the list is ranking something, preferably in a “Top such-and-such” manner, we are hooked.
And similarly, if there is one thing every American hates, it is a big f’ing douchebag. You know, the guy that can single-handedly ruin an evening with his senseless banter or one-upmanship. The douche comes in many forms- the Cockblock, the Asshole, and the Sleezebag, just to name a few. His classification is irrelevant- everyone hates a douchebag.
And so I have taken it upon myself to make the ultimate Yin-Yang of lists- The Top 10 Biggest Douchebags of All-Time. This compilation combines America’s love for everything listed and hatred for everything douchey. Without further ado, I give you…
The Top 10 Biggest Douchebags of All-Time
Honorable Mention: Yoko Ono, Dwayne Wade, Marshall Applewhite (Heaven’s Gate Cult)
10. Tom Cruise
Have you ever heard about that steaming pile of bull that is Scientology? How can any self-respecting person believe that stuff? From Teegeeack to Xenu, Cruise has the thetan levels of a Class-A Douchebag. Not to mention that Tom nearly qualifies for midgetry… Oh, and he is also better looking than I am, making him an instant douche.
9. Frosty the Snowman
It’s hard to say what it is, but there is something creepy about a snowman who comes to life and plays with little children. I think that too many people miss the overtly perverted sexual innuendo in Frosty’s plotline. “A corncob pipe” clearly refernces Frosty’s penis, and “two eyes made out of coal” obviously shows the snowman’s preference for anal sex, or the “coal hole”. I’m just saying that I’m a little weirded out by this character… it makes you wonder if perhaps Frosty was a dead homeless man who the kids covered in snow and used him as plaything… Either way, Frosty was a douchebag.
8. Bono
U2 is a band of tree-loving, pot-smoking, WNBA watching hippies, and Bono is their leader. If this guy does not qualify as a total douchebag, I’m not sure who does. ‘Nuff said.
7. Bill O’Reilly
Come on, do I seriously have to explain anything?
6. Mike Tyson
I don’t know if its the face tattoo, the ear-biting incident, or my absolute unrequited fear of him that makes me hesitant about calling Mike Tyson a douchebag. It is difficult, however, to ignore his douchebaggery. A wife beater, a cheap cheater of a boxer, and one of the craziest mother fuckers in the history of American sport, Tyson’s quotes alone speak volumes as to why he belongs on this list.
You might be a homosexual if I put that camera on you since you were 13 years old. I’ve been on that camera since I was 13 years old.”
“I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating.”
“I’ll fight any man, any animal. If Jesus were here, I’d fight him too.”
“He called me a rapist and a recluse. I am not a recluse.”
(When asked about how he felt being accused of rape) “I just hate her guts. I really wish I did now. Now I really want to rape her.”
5. Michael Jackson
I don’t care if he made “Thriller.” I wasn’t alive then, so I can look at this douchebag for who he really is- not an artist, but a child molester. (Unless you consider molesting children an art) Being creepy is a large part of being a douchebag, and this guy takes the cake in that department. His ambiguity of race, gender, and sexual preference make him nothing more to me than a worthless pile of mud and plastic surgery. I think that anyone who gets erections at McDonald’s Playplaces should be castrated. Anyone disagree?
“What’s wrong with sharing your bed with children? It’s happened many times…”
4. Kenneth Lay
If you don’t recognize the name, Kenneth Lay was the chairman of Enron, and the catalyst for one of the most amazing financial fuck-ups in the history of American entrepreneurism. Mr. Lay is currently serving a jail sentence for his white-collar crimes, but the magnitude in which he screwed other people over is unpunishable by our justice system. Lay wiped out thousands of Enron employees’ pensions, shredded financial statements that showed the company was treading water, and encouraged inside trading to make sure his investors made out like bandits when Enron’s stock plummeted from 90 dollars a share to a meager 26 cents.
Let’s say all together now… WHAT A DOUCHE!
3. George W. Bush
Republican or Democrat, you must admit what a douchebag this guy is. Besides having the lowest presidential approval ratings since The Vietnam War, George W. has made a plethora of mistakes that have lost human life, cost us billions of dollars, and destroyed our reputation as a nation. His douchebag-ish debauchories include:
-Making a case for war which ignored intelligence that there were no WMDs in Iraq.
-Wildly underestimating the cost of the war.
-Diverting 700 million dollars into Iraq invasion planning without notifying congress.
-Allowing several members of the Bin Laden family to leave the country just days after 9/11, some of them without being questioned by the FBI.
-Passing successive tax cuts largely responsible for turning a projected surplus of $5 trillion into a projected deficit of $4.3 trillion.
Let’s say it one more time, a little louder now… WHAT A DOUCHE!
2. Pat Robertson
The television evangelist on crack, Pat Roberston is responsible for some of the craziest things ever said in American media. The saddest thing about this douchebag is that he has become the face of Christianity in America, and he couldn’t set more of a terrible example for our impressionable youth. Mr. Robertson’s claims include:
-Calling for the assassination of Venezualan president Caesar Chavez
-Blaming the recent tsunami in Asia and Hurricane Katrina on God’s wrath, insinuating that we deserved this punishment for our immorality
-That 9/11 was the result of America getting what it deserved for crimes against the lord
-Claimed that at 70 years old, he could legpress 2000 pounds. (Fun fact: The Florida State college football record for the legpress is nearly 800 pounds less than that.)
Not convinced? Here are some Pat Robertson quotes, taken verbatim-
“God Almighty does not hear the prayer of a Jew.”
“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice withcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”
Shout it out baby… WHAT A DOUCHE!
And the number one douchebag of all-time goes to…
1. Adolf Hitler
Now before you talk about what a great military strategist he was and ask “What about all the good things Hitler did?”, understand that there is something about being responsible for the death of 6 million Jews 6 million Jews, and 11 million total people that just seems a bit douchebaggy to me. The head of the Nazi party, Hitler’s attempts to create an Aryan race through the genocide of an entire sect of people has set a standard for all other douchebags to strive towards. And to top it all off, leading a life of douchiness ended in the most douchebag way possible- suicide. Anyone selfish enough to take their own life instead of manning up to their mistakes is a total pussy, and this only adds to what a real prick this guy was.
So there you have it, The Top 10 Biggest Douchebags of All-Time. Agree? Disagree? Leave me a comment.
