Recently my husband lost his mother unexpectedly. About ten years prior, he lost his father after a long illness. In the past month since my mother in-law’s passing, I have noticed that my husband seems depressed. He is the type that never complains or lets his emotions show, but it is very noticeable. It is natural or course to be depressed after losing a parent, but the depression is multiplied when you realize you have lost both, and in essence are an orphan. There has even been research done on the subject with suggestions of how you can help someone who is experiencing being an “orphan ” because they have lost both parents. Or has my husband said the other day, ” When there is no one left who sees you as a child and you have no home to go to when things get rough, it changes how you feel. I am now the one in charge, I can no longer run home to someone. This is my home now. ”
When an adult loses both of their parents, they are then considered an adult orphan. Researchers say that after an adult loses both parents, it becomes a time of considerable adjustment. How well your extended support system is, plays a large part in how well you adjust to being an adult orphan. If you see yourself as the caregiver and leader of a family, you generally fare better and return to normal sooner. Of course the loss is still there, but returning to a more normal and mentally healthy life is easier. (http://www.thecheers.org/article_2177_Adult-Orphans.html)
What often exasperates the grieving process of adults who have lost both parents, is that people expect you to ‘ act like an adult’ and get on with your life. Often you are not given the time or permission by society to grieve. Also, often you don’t allow yourself the time, thinking you are the adult in charge. It is vitally important to take time, even if it means a bit of time off of work. I am encouraging my husband to look through pictures, create a life scrapbook, called his siblings more frequently, and we are even planning a trip home this Christmas. Yes, his Mother is gone, but we have never taken the time to really spend quality time with his siblings. The quick trips to North Carolina are spent seeing parents. I really believe getting to know his siblings again is helping my husband to get through this. Again, it is easier to deal with, if you do have a solid support system, and he does have five siblings alive. it is not that they are not close, adult life has interfered, so we are going to make a concerted effort to rekindle relationships. (http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article2072049.ece)
The topic of being an adult orphan is starting to get more attention. Recently, a book was written on the subject of being an adult orphan and how to deal with the loss of a parent, especially both parents. The book is entitled ‘Death Benefits,’ and is written by therapist Jeanne Safer.She explores what happens when adults lose their parents. She believes that, while it is a major adjustment, in some ways life can become better for an adult orphan. She states that, when you lose both parents, and find yourself with no parent to turn to, the experience offers you what is probably your best chance to become your truest, deepest selves. It often inspires you to take a look at who you really are, to recognize the positive benefits your family provided, and often it forces you to take a look at your own health. Maybe you’ve been over weight and have ignored it, or have been trying to avoid that skipped heart beat. Many people report losing both parents has made them take a look at their own health.(http://www.latimes.com/features/health/la-he-orphans5-2008may05,0,2452558.story) (www.deathbenefitsthebook.com)
