I have zero tolerance for child abuse. For parents who physically, sexually, or emotionally abuse and/or neglect their children, I fully support terminating parental rights and criminal prosecution where it’s necessary to protect the child’s best interest. There’s no excuse for beating your child so badly they need medical attention and, even worse, forcing them into grow up in an environment rife with constant fear and apprehension. The evidence of the long-term emotional instability being raised in that kind of environment creates is irrefutable. Even worse is the domino effect it has when abused children later grow up to become abusive parents.
However, when little three-year-old Johnny or Sally throws themselves on the ground kicking and screaming at the top of his/her lungs in the toy aisle at Wal-Mart, I see nothing wrong with a parent picking them up, swatting their backside and telling them to act right. This was standard procedure when I grew up in the late seventies and early eighties. Now if you do it, you have to worry about someone calling 9-1-1 on their cell phone and being greeted in the parking lot by the police. I admire the sincere intentions of anyone who seeks to protect a child’s welfare, but there is a point where it can go too far; that point is when the children begin to have more control than their parents.
I’d be the first one to get involved if I saw a mother or father publicly backhand their child. However, I’m not going to say a word to the mother that slaps her child for cursing at her. In fact, I might applaud her for teaching her child to show respect for his or her parents. Most women wouldn’t tolerate their husband calling them profane names, so why should they accept it from their children?
I’m not talking about beating the child senseless, but a quick slap across the cheek – similar to swatting a dog’s nose – gets the message across that the behavior is not acceptable and reminds the child who is in charge. And, if that exchange happens in the middle of Wal-Mart, the woman shouldn’t have to feel afraid to discipline her child because some overzealous citizen is going to report her for child abuse.
There is a line between corporeal punishment and child abuse, however that line is a lot wider than most people, especially ones who don’t have children of their own, realize. Giving your child a black eye for spilling the sugar bowl is child abuse. Picking them up of the floor and swatting their backside to end a violent temper tantrum is not. The distinction isn’t that hard to recognize. And, frankly, if more mothers felt comfortable using a small amount of corporeal punishment in public, shopping would be a better experience for all of us.
Children between the ages of two to six are in that stage of their life where they’re going to test every boundary they can so they know where their limits are. It’s a parents’ job to firmly enforce those boundaries and teach them what behavior is acceptable and what’s not. And, as most parents will tell you, it’s near impossible to reason logically with a cranky three-year-old who’s demanding immediate gratification. “Use your indoor voice.” or “Don’t make me take you out to the car,” just doesn’t cut if. And, I despise parents that try to wriggle out of the embarrassment by offering their child a comparable bribe.
All that does is reward them for negative behavior. For example, the child is having a fit because he or she wants a toy the parent can’t afford, and the parent says something like, “Honey, we can’t get the Super-Duper-Megabot Action Station right now, but if you get up and be good we’ll go for ice-cream.” Well, congratulations, you just taught your impressionable young child that if he or she screams loud enough, eventually they’ll get something they want. Unless you’re raising a future politician, you’re teaching your child that being a spoiled brat is the best way to get what they want in life.
And, if you think that won’t come back to haunt you, you’re sadly mistaken. I have a friend in her mid-forties who’s currently struggling to get her unmotivated 24-year-old son to leave the nest. She freely admits that because of his absentee father, she spoiled him rotten. Although she was always his primary disciplinarian, she rarely resorted to yelling – or god forbid, spanking – to discipline him.
More often than not, she either gave in to his demands, or dealt minor punishments like sending him to his room where his video games, television and all his toys were. Now she’s dealing with the fact that he never learned any type of work ethic, he has no interest in taking care of himself because Mom has always done it for him, and he refuses to get on his own two feet and make his way in the world because he feels the world owes him an easy path in life.
His laziness and disrespect, frequently cursing and screaming at both his mother and stepfather, have their entire household in a state of constant turmoil. After seventeen years of marriage, they’re actually considering a trial separation and their teen-age daughter spends more nights over at friends’ houses than she does at home just to get away from all the drama. My friend has even gone as far as to change the locks on the door, but her son still won’t leave. Emotionally, he still thinks like that three-year-old who figured out that if he screams loud and long enough he will eventually get what he wants.
Just recently she said to me, “If I could do it over again, I would have spanked his ass instead of caving in all he time just to shut him up.” Initially I laughed at her tone of voice, but when I looked back at her face, I saw years worth of regret piled up. She realized that by doing what made her life she easier at the time, she’d taught her son all the wrong lessons when he was growing up. But, don’t get me wrong, she loves her son; however now she’s struggling to teach him acceptable behavior in life about twenty years too late. And, believe me, her situation is not all that uncommon.
Parents who’ve subscribed to the “spare the rod, spoil the child” philosophy for the past twenty plus years are starting to realize they didn’t give their children a strong enough foundation to teach them how to behave as adults. It’s not just economics that are keeping our offspring at home longer and longer, it’s also that many of them aren’t adequately equipped to deal with the real world. If you want to raise a child that will be a successful adult, then you have to teach them when they’re young enough to learn; you can’t wait until you are personally fed up with their behavior. By the time you reach that point, it could already be too late.
