In researching dysfunctional families, it is easy to get confused about where your family may have fallen within the dysfunctional types that exist. Many dysfunctional families fall into several categories of dysfunction or cross over gray areas making it difficult to pinpoint the exact type of dysfunction a family suffers from. Instead of looking at the dysfunctional types of families, you should first research what a functional family looks like. By looking at the qualities of the functional family, you can more easily assess the abusive patterns of the dysfunctional family. The biggest mistake parents make is not validating their children.
FUNCTIONAL FAMILIES
Parents raise their children, instilling a pattern of belief systems that the child learns to think is normal. In a dysfunctional family, children are often isolated from their parents physically or emotionally. Children who are isolated from their parents or the rest of the world grow up confused, thinking the patterns their parents displayed are typical, when in reality they are not. Without interactive parents, a child can only learn values from what the child experiences.
If a child grows up around screaming and fighting parents, the child assumes that all parents scream and fight. If a father is physically or verbally abusive to the mother, then the child grows up to believe a woman is worthless and should be submissive to men. The child has no basis for thinking otherwise. The unfortunate part is that the parents probably believe themselves that this type of behavior is just “normal.” At some point, they probably learned their patterns of behavior from their parents as well. It takes a very special individual to recognize the patterns of dysfunction in order to break the cycle that is passed on from one generation to the next. In order to break these patterns, a person from a dysfunctional family must first learn how a functional family behaves.
In a functional family unit there is an underlying cohesiveness that is constant. It is normal that functional families will have disagreements or experience disruption that upsets the balance within the unit. But typically, the unit will utilize the strength of core values, like love and mutual respect, to correct itself within a short period of time. “Within the functional family system there is an overall sense of love, happiness and peace that permeates the unit. Members enjoy their family–almost as if there was a” “presence of consistent sunshine despite adversities.”
In a functional family, parents take an active role in nourishing and leading the family unit. They are not casual participants. There is no role reversal. The child does not become the parent and the parents do not act like children. In a functional family, parents, as role models, are the teachers and leaders of the family. They teach their children valuable life skills and lead them by good example. They encourage open, honest communication and provide intimacy and closeness within the family unit. Good parents are consciously aware of their behavior and how it impacts the entire family. They will make choices to strengthen their family and avoid actions that will tear down or diminish the cohesiveness of their powerful bond.
Every individual with a soul has needs. “Within the functional family system the needs of each individual are met to the best of the family’s ability. There is little criticism, if any, and the atmosphere for the most part is non-judgmental.” Every member of the family should have a right to offer opinions, talk openly, and be taken seriously. Children who are loved and respected and taught good values can usually be reasoned with. Parents who love and respect their children will listen to their child’s concerns and respond in a loving and caring way. With open-minded civil discussions, the family should be able to “negotiate changes” that meet the needs of everyone as a whole.
Each person in the family is a unique individual with a variety of interests. Not everyone will display the same interests or talents. Each member of the family should be valued as an individual and not forced to conform to each other’s demands. Parents should love each child as a unique individual and allow them to express themselves without condemning them. Everyone in the family should learn from each other and grow together, yet retain their own identity. No one should feel isolated or smothered. In a functional family there is a strong bond between all members of the family without feeling overly protected.
“Families are systems. Picture the insides of a clock. When the gears are working, as they should, they are functional. The same holds true for families.”
DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES
“When you grow up in a dysfunctional family, you experience trauma and pain from your parents’ actions, words, and attitudes. Because of this trauma, you grew up changed, different from other children, missing important parts of necessary parenting that prepare you for adulthood.” Dysfunctional families display a wide range of characteristics that cause them to be non-functioning. Once you identify the specific dysfunctional patterns of your childhood and the impact it had on your development, you can consciously work toward changing your way of thinking and eventually your own actions.
Children are born innocent and grow up to be a product of their parents input. If a parent does not actively provide a loving, nurturing, and morally cohesive family unit the child will ultimately learn from watching the actions, words, and attitudes of the parent. Typical actions of the abusive parent include minimizing, projecting, denying, and aggressing to name a few. Any combination of these poor parenting strategies can cause codependency in the child as an adult. Children raised with these strategies will typically have inadequate relationships as adults.
Minimizing is when a parent identifies that there is a problem, but acts as if your emotional response to the problem is unjustified, leaving the child to feel unworthy of their concerns. An example of this would be if a child says to their parent, “I don’t have any friends because we are always moving and I never get a chance to really know anyone.” The minimizing parent might respond by saying, “You’re exaggerating, I’m sure you will make friends. It’s no big deal.” Minimizing is so passive that most parents don’t even realize they are doing it, but it leaves a huge impact on the child who feels invalidated.
Projection is when someone takes their inner feelings and attaches them to another person. Parents often do this with expectations for their children. They will project their personal wishes and desires onto their children and then become disappointed when the child doesn’t live up to them. Projection can also occur when a person feels negatively about themselves or something they have done and then expects another person to act the same way based on their own internal image. This is a complicated strategy to explain, so I will use this short parable to get my point across.
A mother, when she was younger, got pregnant at an early age. Because abortion wasn’t an option at the time, the mother was forced to give the baby up for adoption because she wasn’t responsible or stable enough to keep the baby and take care of it. The mother kept this secret for many years, never telling anyone and hiding her shame. Time passed and the mother grew older, married and had 2 more children which she kept and cared for. One of her children was a daughter. The daughter grew up and also married, then became pregnant with a child. When the marriage didn’t work, the daughter asked if she could move back home so she would have time to get back on her feet, get a job and support her child on her own. The mother said no because she thought the daughter was unstable and was afraid she might run off leaving her to care for an unwanted baby. This couldn’t have been farther from the truth, as the baby meant the world to the daughter. The mother was projecting her own shortcomings onto the daughter without validity. She did this because of the inner feelings she had about herself.
Denial is when a person refuses to admit there is a problem. Denial is a classic form of aversion. When a parent denies there is a problem, the problem never gets addressed and therefore never resolved. In denial, the abuser disallows and overrules and viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.
“Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.” An example of this would be if a child attempts to confront the parent about something that made them feel bad and the adult replies, “Shut the #@$% up, that’s stupid. Get the hell out of my face.” Or if the child asks the parent for advice and the parent replies, “You can’t possibly be that stupid.” then laughs at the child.
There are more forms of abusive dysfunctional behaviors to include dominating, blackmailing, verbally and physically assaulting, and many others that I haven’t even addressed. I tried to pinpoint several of the most commonly unidentified behaviors that are more typical and less severe. Physically and verbally abusive dysfunctional styles are more obvious and complicated to deal with. Anyone who has experienced a more aggressive form of abuse probably needs to speak with a professional to resolve their issues. My intention is to enlighten those who come from milder forms of bad parenting or invalidation. With a little recognition and change in behavior and attitude you can overcome the patterns you learned as a child. With a new awareness of family functionality and positive parenting that is being pushed in society today, it is becoming increasingly easier for educated people to break the patterns of their mildly dysfunctional families of the past and move on with a more functional family of their own.
