The old saying, “It happens to everyone” is more accurate than one might think. Erectile dysfunction, in this instance meaning the inability to get or maintain a penile erection, is something that, according to the Minnesota Men’s Health Center, can happen to up to 65% of men at some point in their lives. That means that over 30 million men in the United States are currently suffering from some sort of diagnosed erectile dysfunction.
This also means that there are over 30 million partners, spouses and lovers who will also be affected by erectile dysfunction. Because ED is not something openly discussed in polite conversation by most, understanding ED and learning how to deal with its consequences and effects is important, both for men and their sexual or life partners.
What is Erectile Dysfunction?
Erectile dysfunction is a medical condition in which a man is unable to get or to maintain a penile erection to the point where he is unable to perform sexual intercourse with his partner. WebMD also calls ED by the more common name of “impotence”. ED can be mild or severe, and it can come and go, making lovemaking a frustrating or difficult activity for the man.
Erectile Dysfunction is No One’s Fault
The first thing that must be understood is that ED is not a man’s fault. With a few exceptions (such as drinking and smoking, which can increase the likelihood of erectile dysfunction problems) a man doesn’t cause erectile dysfunction.
Likewise, ED doesn’t have anything to do with a man’s partner either. It’s not uncommon for a woman to feel she is unattractive or undesirable when a man has trouble getting or maintaining an erection during lovemaking, but erectile dysfunction has nothing to do with a man’s desire for his partner. ED is a medical condition, not a psychological condition, so his desire, excitement or love for his partner isn’t what causes ED.
Talk AboutErectile Dysfunction
It’s not uncommon for a man to feel uncomfortable discussing erectile dysfunction with his partner or even his doctor, and that’s why it’s important for women to understand ED too. Women can help support and encourage their male partners to seek treatment, but also, she can help a man realize he isn’t less of a man because of ED.
Counseling or therapy with a therapist trained in helping with marital and intimacy issues, particularly one with experience treating patients with erectile dysfunction, might help a couple to bridge the gap in communication.
What Not to Say or Do When Discussing ED
When a woman has her own issues with intimacy or her appearance or self-image, it’s easy for her to let a man’s ED seem personal. She may ask questions such as:
Questions like this only add to the problem and not the solution. Erectile dysfunction usually has very little or nothing to do with a man’s love or desire for his partner. While a woman might think asking these questions puts the “blame” for ED back on her, thus easing the responsibility she might think is weighing on him, what really happens is quite the opposite. Generally, questions like the ones above only make a man feel guilty.
It’s likely he already feels bad about the ED, but with questions like this, he can then add to his guilt that he feels responsible for his partner not feeling confident in his affection for her. He will not only feel he can’t please her intimately, but there’s also the emotional aspect where he will feel he is failing his partner too, since she’s blaming herself for the very thing he likely is blaming himself for too.
Where to Turn for ED Help
There are many online support groups and information websites about ED. Help can also be found from medical professionals who specialize in men’s health disorders and there are counselors or therapists who specialize in men’s sexual health disorders. It’s important to respect a man’s privacy, so women in a relationship with a man who suffers from ED should be careful not to share information in public, but with user names and non-identifying information, online support groups can really help a woman navigate the murky waters of erectile dysfunction.
Other than that, women should read and learn more about erectile dysfunction, because information is knowledge. The more women understand, from a medical perspective, how ED changes a man, the more secure she will be in her relationship.
References:
WebMD Erectile Dysfunction Center, Retrieved April 28, 2010
