Parenting is a process that takes learning for mom, dad, and baby. Many parents ease into a parenting style that fits their lifestyle and adapts to the personality of their children (individually speaking). There is no wrong or right way to raise a child, but there are more effective ways than some styles.
For decades psychology has claimed that there are three parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, and passive. The authoritarian parent is the mom or dad that is the parent that makes all of the decisions and dictates the daily routine of his/her child. Moreover, this parent is in charge all of the time and the child has no say in anything(much like a dictator). On the other hand, the authoritative parent treats the parent-child relationship like a democracy. In this style, the parent has the ultimate say, but is open to the opinions of the child (rather than being a “no” parent, the parent weighs the pros and cons making him/herself a “yes and no” parent). Finally, there is the passive parent, or the “yes” parent. this parent allows the child to make most of the decisions for him or herself with little regard to the outcome(1).
Furthermore, it is important to note that every child is different and one child will need to be parented differently from another child. However, as we become better parents, we find that one form of parenting outshines them all: The Integrated Parent
Integrated Parenting
Integrated parenting is a combination of the “no parent”, the “yes parent” and the “yes-no parent” as it utilizes the many aspects of these parenting styles, adapting itself to the child as she ages. Moreover, it is parenting the integrates the needs of the child with the needs of the parents in an instinctual manner.
The YES Stage
During the first year of life, all parents should be “yes” parents. Mom and dad should tend to the baby’s needs because they are needs, not wants. Addressing a child’s needs at this stage helps them to form trusting bonds with their caretakers (according to Dr. Sears).
Infants do not know how to separate needs from wants, therefore all of their wants are their needs. At this critical stage, responding to your child’s cries and cues that she needs you is important. As the parent you will discern when she is crying because she is tired, hungry, or needs a hug, thus helping you to know when you need to respond immediately and when you can give her a little more time to learn much needed patience.
Many parents choose to acknowledge their child’s needs with immediate response through the first year because it teaches the child that communication is key to understanding(2). Moreover, when a parent responds to an infant in this manner it primes the child for successful development of cognitive and social skills in adulthood(2).
The NO Stage
Every parent who has raised children before will recognize this stage of parenting immediately. There comes a point, or several points for that matter when the YES parent must make the transition into the NO parent. Parents begin saying no or stop running to every whimper naturally.
This stage begins when our babies begin to crawl, walk, and talk. We tell them no when they are in danger of hurting themselves or somebody else. We become more “listen to me and follow direction” rather than “what do you think you should do” which will come later on life(2).
As a parent in the NO stage, it is okay to say No to the child’s actions, while explaining why you are telling him no. Teaching your child that certain behavior is not okay is a great way to implement positive discipline techniques. Starting these techniques at an early age may reduce the significance of rebellion during the teenage years(1,2).
The NO stage ends at the point when a child can begin to comprehend the differences between right and wrong, and safety and danger. Most children reach this stage between six and eight years of age(this doesn’t mean you should implement the NO mom/dad when a new scene appears).
Most importantly, parents must remember that they can use their comfort and love during this stage by rewarding the child with “yes'” and hugs when they follow through on good behavior.
The YES-NO Stage
The yes-no stage is most parents favorite stage because it marks the moments when they can communicate with their child at an intellectual level. At this level choices can be presented to the child and he can choose his own pathway. Moreover, the parent will provide choices such as “do you want to go to the park” or “do you want to go to the movies” giving the child the power to decide how his time is spent, but without compromising the parent-child relationship(1).
During this stage, which extends into the teenage years, it is important to draw lines between acceptable and non-acceptable behavior, pointing out why one is preferred over the other.
Parenting isn’t easy and nobody is claiming that it is, but parenting in an integrated style will help our children grow into well-round adults that can make smart decisions in a world full of so many choices.
Sources:
1. Parenting Styles- About Psychology
2. Dr. Sears- Positive Discipline
