You have probably heard the term passive aggressive behavior. You may have even said that someone was being passive aggressive yourself. When someone does not openly express their anger, they may display passive aggressive behavior. A person who exhibits a passive aggressive behavior without the hidden anger may just be acting like a jerk. Find out what a true passive aggressive behavior is.
A passive aggressive behavior is one that indirectly expresses anger. Although most people behave in a passive aggressive way at one time or another, these behaviors are displayed more frequently by persons who have a hard time dealing with their emotions. These people appear to be very agreeable when asked to do something, but then they act negatively about it and passively resist.
According an article by Associates in Counseling and Child Guidance1, when you ask a person who displays passive aggressive behavior to so something for you, they may happily agree. They want to look good. But instead of doing what you ask, they are either late or “forget”1. If they do attempt the task, another passive aggressive behavior is they work slowly and may not finish1. Another way a person can display passive aggressive behavior is to do the task badly that they didn’t really want to do1.
What distinguishes passive aggressive behavior from behaviors causing similar results is that the person displaying the passive aggressive behavior is doing so out of unspoken anger and resentment.
When passive aggressive behavior is shown frequently over a long period of time, the person is said to have passive aggressive disorder.
According to Daniel K. Hall-Flavin, M.D. in an article at mayoclinic.com2, passive aggressive disorder is not a mental illness. Passive aggressive disorder is a behavior disorder. Passive aggressive behavior can be displayed by anyone, or it can be displayed by people with mental illness such as anxiety, depression or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). But passive aggressive disorder should only be diagnosed when no other contributing mental illness can be found.
Those who consistently display passive aggressive behavior may not even realize the difficulties their behaviors cause1. They don’t realize they are creating their own problems through their passive aggressive behavior.
They don’t take responsibility for their own behavior. The passive aggressive person will actually rationalize ways to blame others for the situation that they themselves caused. They don’t connect their passive aggressive behavior to the way people treat them in return.
When confronted about not doing the task or about completing the task poorly, the passive aggressive person will become agitated or argumentative1. They blame others for their passive aggressive behavior by claiming that others are making unreasonable demands. They see no problem with the poor job they did and may even believe they actually did a good job.
A person who consistently displays passive aggressive behavior will resent any advice you give for improvement. In return, they may try to get a rise out of you. This passive aggressive behavior is used to show you are the one becoming visibly angry while they appear calm.
Another passive aggressive behavior these individuals use is withdrawal. They may sulk or pout. They can give you the “silent treatment”. These people may even withhold affection and sex as a way to get back at you instead of openly expressing any resentment or anger. The person displaying the passive aggressive behavior has to play the victim.
Someone who consistently displays passive aggressive behavior usually looks at the glass as “half empty”. They have trouble expressing their wants and needs clearly and use sarcasm and more passive aggressive behaviors to get the attention they feel they aren’t getting.
According to New York University Langone Medical Center3, there are no known causes for passive aggressive behavior. There are no risk factors. There is no prevention. There is no medical treatment for passive aggressive behavior, though counseling appears to help3.
Those ideas are not agreed upon by all experts. Associates in Counseling and Child Guidance1 do believe there are causes leading up to consistent passive aggressive behavior. These are feelings of rejection or inadequacy. The passive aggressive person is also emotionally distant and has extreme fear of getting close to others because they don’t want to become dependent. They were let down in childhood by a parent or caretaker. They begin showing the passive aggressive behaviors toward this person1.
As the person displaying passive aggressive behavior is not bothered by their actions, it is a family member who usually refers this person to counseling.
Therapy goals recommended by Associates in Counseling and Child Guidance1 include controlling anger and expressing emotions appropriately, learning coping strategies and helping them see how their behaviors affect those around them1. The article “Passive Aggressive Behavior”1 lists more therapy goals for overcoming passive aggressive behavior.
Cathy Meyer4, 5 offers practical advice for dealing with persons exhibiting passive aggressive behavior. She suggests setting limits and using “I” statements when expressing your concern over the passive aggressive behavior4. Also, you should never attack the person, just address the passive aggressive behavior5. You can read her complete advice at Associated Content4 and About.com5. Regardless of the title to her article on Associated Content4, this advice is good for men, women and children displaying passive aggressive behavior.
I do not agree with Meyer about one item. She claims if you stay in a relationship with someone who displays passive aggressive behavior then you should go to counseling to see why you want to be in a miserable relationship4. People with passive aggressive behavior can be good people. They just have problems that need to be addressed to prevent further passive aggressive behavior. This will take time.
Not all people with passive aggressive disorder display passive aggressive behavior all the time. Not all people who display passive aggressive behavior have passive behavior disorder. Use common sense when dealing with someone displaying passive aggressive behavior. If you don’t make any progress using the advice given from the sources listed, counseling should be sought. With some patience and effort, you can help put an end to passive aggressive behavior.
1 Associates in Counseling and Child Guidance; Passive Aggressive Behavior; www.accg.net
2 Daniel K. Hall-Flavin, M.D.; What are the signs and symptoms of passive-aggressive behavior?; www.mayoclinic.com
3 New York University Langone Medical Center; Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder; www.med.nyu.edu
4 Cathy Meyer; Setting Limits and Communicating with the Passive Aggressive Man; www.associatedcontent.com
5 Cathy Meyer; Passive Aggressive Behavior a Form of Covert Abuse; About.com
