Although passive aggressive behavior is no longer considered a mental illness in psychiatry because of calls for further study, it is a very real condition which is manifested by several attitudes or actions. Parents who express themselves in passive-aggressive ways may find they have passed this condition on to their children. After reading through the descriptions of the disorder and having a friend tell me the topic was one I should be familiar with, I recognize some of these traits in not only myself, but also in my mother and my daughters.
Passive aggression is not a disease, nor is it congenital or contagious. It is a behavior which has developed in the individual during his childhood. Passive aggression is a coping mechanism against parents who strictly controlled every facet of the individual’s life and did not allow feelings of anger, rebellion, or frustration to be expressed. If you are the progeny of a passive aggressive parent, you must learn how to recognize the symptoms if only to avoid behaving in the same manner. A passive aggressive parent controls things around himself and “punishes” his loved ones and aquaintances by indirect methods.
Passive Aggressive Symptom 1: Forgetfulness on Purpose
The passive aggressive parent may appear as if they have your best interests at heart when she does something nice for you or your spouse but the very act of kindness may hide deep resentment.
Picture this scenario: Mother Smith has never accepted her daughter Lydia’s choice to marry Fred. Lydia is certain she has told Mother Smith about their mutual decision to spend Thanksgiving with his parents and Christmas Day with her. Mother Smith telephones Lydia the week of Thanksgiving to tell her she already has the turkey, pies, stuffing, and potatoes bought for their visit on Thursday. Lydia and Fred don’t have to bring a thing. When Lydia attempts to remind her mother of the pre-determined plans, Mother Smith frets over the amount of time and money she has already spent to make Thanksgiving special for them. This happens to Lydia and Fred every holiday season.
Passive Aggressive Symptom 2: The Mind-reading Game
The passive aggressive parent will orchestrate family conflicts by not expressing what she really wants. Her sighs, icy silence, and facial expressions speak volumes about her displeasure. The act of attempting to find out the hidden reason for the passively hostile expressions can escalate into a heated argument. The passive aggressive parent will not confess that her failure to express her desires or needs in an honest way was the cause of the argument. The cause lies with the spouse or children who did not know the passive aggressive parent well enough to fulfill the unspoken desire or want. Sounds a bit like mind-reading, doesn’t it?
Here is an example from my own life. I tell my husband I need to drive to the grocery store to get a few things. In my mind, I think it is a small trip and I want to go alone, get it done quickly, and return home. I need some “me” time, if only for a half hour. I do not tell my husband this, though. He tells me if I wait for a few minutes, he can come with me. I do not want to wait but I sigh and say, “Okay, whatever.” In my mind, I begin to think he doesn’t trust me to do even the smallest thing without his presence. When we are on the way to the store, I give my frozen smile to every comment he makes. If he presses me enough with questions, I might eventually tell him, but I do not usually speak my thoughts. The next time this scenario is played out, my resentment is even greater.
Passive Aggressive Symptom 3: The Blame Game
A passive aggressive parent may cause family conflicts through his inability to express his needs or wants but he will not see himself as the cause of conflict. Incomplete family projects which the passive aggressive parent obstructs through his procrastination or insistence on doing it a certain way are not his fault, according to him.
Here is a scenario: Megan comes home from school with the announcement her teacher wants each student to work with his or her parent to construct a working complex machine out of two or more simple machines. From the beginning, Mr. B. bristles with resentment over the demand being placed upon his time. He tells his daughter they will work on it but seems to have too many other projects to do first. The night before the project is due, Megan and her irritated father try to assemble her science project but the complex machine created does not work as required. He gripes about the teacher’s assumption that he has more than enough spare time to devote to the school project. He complains that the project should have been simple enough for Megan to do by herself. He criticizes Mrs. B. for not being able to help Megan. While Mr. B. himself failed to carve out the time to help Megan, he blames the teacher, his wife, and Megan herself for the failed science project. He tells himself he tried his best.
Passive Aggressive Symptom 4: The Gloomy Moodies
“I could be lying here dead and you wouldn’t know.” Those are words an elderly passive aggressive parent might say to her son or daughter when she feels lonely. I have heard them once or twice myself. I may have even said them to our oldest daughter who lives three blocks from our home.
The statement is meant to tell the son or daughter they are guilty of neglect, that they don’t care, that they should care after all the years of maternal love and sacrifice given. A parent who does not have passive aggressive tendencies would call her adult children on the telephone and ask if they would not mind talking for a few minutes. She might even have a few friends she can invite to her home or go out with.
Passive Aggressive Symptom 5: Procrastination Situation
Procrastination is one of the biggest tools in the passive aggressive parent’s arsenal of weapons. If a passive aggressive parent delays getting started on a project, it is a sign he is resentful about having to do the project in the first place. The job, whether it be a school science project, a doctor’s appointment which is never set up, or a thank you note which never is written, either doesn’t get done, or is done with shabby workmanship. The passive aggressive parent feels someone else should have been asked to bear the responsibility.
Passive Aggressive Symptom 6: Don’t Need No Help!
The passive aggressive parent may seem overwhelmed with the responsibilities she has in her household but don’t think for one moment she will ask for help. Passive aggressive individuals do not want to be seen as dependent upon others and they will not accept suggestions as to how to do a duty more efficiently.
My mother says she wants to move from her home to an apartment somewhere closer to my brother and me. To do that, she must empty a house containing artifacts from sixty combined years of marriage and widowhood. She has complained with each of our visits that she gets tired too easily and is interrupted too much by telephone calls and visits by a fellow passive aggressive sufferer. When we tell her we can do some work during our visit, she says she is too tired to watch what we do. The implication is that we need supervision so we don’t get rid of something she wants or feels is important. She also informs us we have a few boxes of stuff we gave her to store years ago. In this way, she attempts to pass the blame for the cluttered house onto us.
A small confession here. I have done the same with our oldest daughter who has a small apartment of her own.
Passive Aggressive Symptom 7: Who’s the Boss?
Unwilling to accept demands or responsibilities from others, the passive aggressive parent may defy authority over them by criticizing or mocking those in leadership roles. This may become dangerous in the case of an elderly parent who refuses to listen to the instruction of his doctor and continues to do things he is advised not to do. A passive aggressive parent may refuse to stop smoking or procrastinate with establishing a diet plan to manage diabetes. He may point out a doctor’s struggle with weight control as a means to avoid taking responsibility for his own health.
Passive Aggressive Symptom 8: The Glass Is Half Empty
With all those negative thoughts milling about inside the passive aggressive parent, the words they may use to talk about anything will be cynical. Whether discussing their local church, the federal government, or a next door neighbor, the passive aggressive parent will reflect the deep-rooted resentment and anger inside. By saying everyone else has impure motivations for any good work they may do, the passive aggressive parent deflects his resentment onto things unrelated to the person or situation with whom he is upset.
Passive Aggressive Symptom 9: But Can I Trust You?
Inability to trust in others, even in those closest to them, is another symptom of the passive aggressive parent. The passive aggressive parent may not trust her spouse to teach their children. She may not trust her teenage children to make proper choices as far as friends, job opportunities, money, or scheduling. Her constant complaint is “Well, if you’re not going to do it right, I’ll have to do it myself” usually accompanied by a sigh.
Passive Aggressive Symptom 10: Ice Princes and Princesses
Resentment and anger have a way of driving a wedge between people in relationships. The passive aggressive parent may resent his children or spouse for their actions, attitudes, or words. To avoid honestly working the resentment out by discussing the problem, the passive aggressive parent will withdraw his affection. It is as if he covered himself with an invisible dome which no one can penetrate.
The good news about the passive aggressive behavior is that it is treatable with counseling. The bad news is that the person who behaves in a passive aggressive manner may not accept the evaluation.
For more information and help:
http://web.archive.org/web/20050212092830/www.toad.net/~arcturus/dd/papd.htm Dual Diagnosis and the Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder (an in depth look at the history and the disorder)
http://studenthealth.uaa.alaska.edu/YourMentalHealth/PAbehavior.htm Mental Health Topics: Passive-Aggressive Behavior (easy-to-understand with self-analysis questions and suggestions for help)
http://mental-health.families.com/blog/is-there-a-passiveaggressive-in-the-house Series of blogs written in a conversational manner about passive aggressive personalities
Sources:
http://www.umm.edu/ency/article/000943all.htm Symptoms of Passive Aggressive Disorder
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/passive-aggressive-behavior/AN01563 Mayo Clinic’s Guide to Symptoms
