Yes, women do experience symptoms that make them tired, cranky, and uncomfortable, but they don’t morph into bitchy wolves ready to eat your face off like the stereotypes suggest. Here are some ways you can take care of her, and how to be sensitive to her symptoms rather than aggravate them to the point where they aggravate you.
Disclaimer: I don’t mean to stereotype or generalize, you need to realize that all women are different and each woman experiences PMS differently. Not every woman will have every symptom, and the degrees to which she has a symptom may vary.
Symptom: Fatigue
What To Expect: She may get tired, very tired, for no apparent reason at all. She may not want to stay out as late as you guys normally do, may want more laid back dates, or may not want to go out at all. Fatigue is often what causes women to get extra emotional or irritable. She may also get a little cranky because of the fatigue, and it may make her more sensitive and easily upset. Jealous tendencies may peak around this time of the month.
What to Do: If you plan dates, have them start earlier with the expectation that you two may not stay out as late as you normally do. Make sure she knows that you’re okay with ending things early, and do not take it personally if she decides she’d rather stay in. Consider planning an evening in, ordering takeout and just watching a movie. If you cook for her, make it a meal with lots of protein and other nutrients that will help give her energy. Rather than suggest she go take a nap, which can be condescending and patriarchal, try taking a nap with her; fall asleep together cuddling on the bed or couch Keep caffeine and chocolate on hand. Now is not the time to ask for sandwiches and other domestic favors; if you two live together, now is not the time to get lazy on your end, leaving more housework for her to do. Avoid being an asshole, and try not to do anything that might upset her.
Symptom: Sore Breasts
What to Expect: Her breasts may be big and swollen, and she may complain of them hurting. They may be extra sensitive, and not necessarily in a good way. She may forgo her sexy lingere, padded bras, or even casual bras for sports bras for the added support.
What to Do: If she says they hurt, avoid touching them! Don’t massage them, don’t lie on top of them, don’t play with them, just leave them alone. When breasts are swollen, any touching can be painful. Don’t expect her to run, because running can make them hurt more. Have NSAIDS such as Tylenol, Motrin, Aleve, etc. on hand (generics are fine too).
Symptom: Depression/Moodiness
What to Expect: Her moods may be very low. She may be in a funk, where she’s in a crummy mood and little things may upset her. She may cry for silly reasons, or no apparent reason at all. She may get choked up watching movies that don’t normally make her cry. Again, she may be extra prone to jealousy, or get upset more easily over other problems in the relationship she may normally be able to handle. Of course, relationship problems are by no means the only things that can upset her. Her self-esteem may be a little lower than usual.
What to Do: If she’s prone to getting weepy, keep tissues handy just in case. Chocolate works wonders for improving her mood. Comfort her if she gets sad. Avoid subjects that might worsen her mood, and focus on things that will help make her happy. Do not invalidate how she’s feeling by telling her that there’s no reason to cry, or that she’s being silly. If she’s extra prone to jealousy, don’t talk about what you’re doing with other girls, don’t comment on how cute you think your female friends are, don’t put your arm around other girls where she can see it happen, and avoid making plans with your female friends right in front of her. Validate her concerns, but have faith that in a week or so she’ll be less sensitive to the issue.
And now, the “big one”
Symptom: Irritability
What to Expect: Little annoyances can really piss her off, and she may get annoyed at things that don’t bother her. She may be on edge, extra prone to stress or anxiety.
What to Do: If she’s stressed about something, offer to give her a backrub, bathe with her, and/or wash her hair ‘” do something that will help relax her. You don’t need to be some meak, submissive, “whipped,” “perfect boyfriend,” but maybe take a little extra care not to be a total jerk. Try to be on time for dates. If you two live together, pull your weight with the housework. If there’s a problem with the relationship, consider waiting until her symptoms have subsided before discussing it with her.
Other Do’s and Don’t’s
DO “play therapist:” Encourage her to vent about something that’s upsetting or frustrating her. You don’t need to give her advice, in fact you probably shouldn’t unless she asks for it. She’s not coming to you for help, she just wants someone to talk to.
DON’T say “you’re just PMSing:” SHE can blame something on PMS, because she knows her body well enough to make that judgment call. However, unless you two have been dating for a few years, telling her she’s only acting a certain way because of PMS just dismisses and invalidates what could very well be genuine anger, or a legitimate concern that she needs to address with you.
DON’T point out her acne or weight gain: PMS makes some women break out and/or put on a few extra pounds. Don’t draw attention to it; she doesn’t need to know that you’ve noticed, especially if her hormones have caused her self-esteem to plummet.
DO Give her chocolate: It’s a nice gesture in general, and giving it to her when she really needs it makes her feel taken care of. However, do not throw chocolate at a problem ‘” if you guys are having a fight, whether it’s fueled by PMS, giving her chocolate just to calm her down may only give her another reason to be pissed.
DON’T push sex: If she’s not into it for whatever reason, be it a headache, fatigue, depression, etc., don’t push the subject. Yes, sex can ease symptoms, but that’s no reason to make her feel like she can’t or shouldn’t say no.
DO keep things chill: While exercise may help some symptoms, now is not the time for some elaborate adventure around the city, nor is it the time to go to a nightclub and dance all night, or go for a hike, or go rock climbing, or do anything else that might be physically demanding and frustrating. Instead, dates where you two stay in, order pizza, and watch a movie are best (you’ll get points for ordering something she’s craving ‘” don’t worry, you don’t need to guess, just a simple “what are you in the mood for?” will do). Even a date where you just go to the movies, or drive to your favorite restaurant is fine, but it’s probably best to do one or the other and then finish the night at your place or hers. At least pose this as an option, letting her know that you’re open to something else, but do not tell her you have your heart set on doing something she may not have the energy for. Especially if she tends to be a pleaser, she may not have the strength to say no for fear that you’ll like her less, or worse, that you’ll just do that fun activity with that cute female friend you keep hanging out with.
DON’T ignore big problems: It’s one thing for her to get pissed at you for being 20 minutes late because you lost track of time playing video games. It’s NOT okay for her to hit you or verbally abuse you, ever. If she does, she has real problems and does need professional help, and you should probably get out of there.
That is by no means an exhaustive list either. She may have other symptoms not mentioned, but these are the ones that tend to have the most effect on a woman’s emotional and physical relationships with men. Not to be heteronormative, of course, although I believe it’s safe to assume lesbian couples have a little more mutual understanding about PMS that straight couples do. Again, this is not meant to stereotype women or suggest that all women are weak and crazy during their periods. This is mostly written from personal experience and acknowledges the reality of what PMS does to women and what guys can do to help, rather than make the situation worse.
Above all, remember that PMS is a legitimate women’s health issue that is not to be feared, or joked about. Yes, you may not enjoy having to “deal with” her hormonal mood swings, but think about what it’s like for her. Do you think she enjoys feeling clinically depressed or super stressed out over little things, knowing that the people around her are judging her for “overreacting”? No, she probably doesn’t. Feeling tired, moody, and physically uncomfortable aren’t fun to experience, and she would probably welcome a little comfort and care from you rather than hear you crack stupid jokes or act like she’s become some crazy werebeast.
