EPISODE 1: “The Van Der Sloots and Dead Sluts” (Pilot)
If you haven’t heard anything about the Alabama Slut Disappearance in Aruba Scandal, well, I wish I was you. This story won’t fucking die and now the latest involves a Dutch National Date Rapist and his Father, or as he is better known as: The Enabler.
Natalee Holloway used to be an 18 year old Southern blonde but now she is probably peices of an 18 year old Southern blonde. And therein lies the problem, nobody knows what the fuck happened to her. She went to Aruba and she never came back. If she had been fat, the story ends right there. So why is America fascinated by all this?
1. Escapism: She was a hot blonde and she liked to party and she went to Aruba and she liked to drink and hang out with Surinamese brothers and Dutch nationals and she probably dug anal; is your life this interesting?
2. The Conspiracy Theorist’s Approach: She was killed by a member of the media who has a great financial interest in Bermuda. Dead sluts in Aruba = negative media attention = Aruba tourism suffers = Bermuda’s economy thrives.
3. Those Fucking Parents: By far the biggest factor in this equation is Natalee’s parents, and more specifically her mother, Beth Holloway Twitty.
Beth Holloway Twitty (or BHT as I call her) is a stupid whore. Rivaling only Cindy Sheehan for the Best Greiving Mother Turned Media Hungry Monster Award. It almost seems like whenever this story is about to die she jumps from the shadows like Max Elliot Slade in 3 Ninjas. She’s even appearing in the upcoming Barbara Walters Pre-Oscar Special. And now she’s suing Joran Van Der Sloot and The Enabler, Joran’s Dad.
Maybe Van Der Sloot did slip her GHB and fuck her to death while the Surinamese brothers giggled in the background, I don’t really care. I don’t even know where Surinam is. But I don’t get suing the Dad. Isn’t BHT as much of an Enabler as he is. She let her booze-happy, loose-leggy slut of a daughter go down to Aruba in the first place. What the fuck.
There are pictures on the internet of her family tying yellow ribbons that say it all. Tony Orlando is not happy somewhere.
EPISODE 2: “Why I Hate Civil Lawsuits”
I like hot topics. I also like Hot Topic, it’s where I get all my clothes (Well there and Baby Gap, I wear my clothes really tight because I am so ripped). But anyway, I don’t think there is any HOTTER topic than The Natalee Holloway Show…and it’s time for Episode 2, are you ready?.
.Personally, I am done fighting the urge to ignore this news story. Sure there’s the whole Arab Emirate port scandal and the Olympics; I even saw a piece on CNN about a 30 pound cat that was really amazing…but that stuff doesn’t matter anymore. It’s Natalee Holloway, and it’s Natalle Holloway all the time, and I love it. I can’t get enough of BHT, The Van Der Sloots, Missing Sneakers, and Holiday Inns. I eat, breath, and shit this stuff. This stuff is better than any movie or TV show. So let me ask you, DO YOU HAVE THE FEVER?
I got it, I got it bad.
Let me begin this episode with a name: Reyna Gabriella Alvarado-Carerra. She’s a 13 year old Latin girl who is believed to have been kidnapped in Georgia only weeks before Natalee went missing. But you all knew about her, right? All of you, who feel so bad for the Holloways or the Twittys or the Holloway-Twittys, knew about her and the countless other missing kids, right? These other young people who will never set foot on any island and whose only crime was being poor and not a marketable “news story” when it was their turn to disappear. A countless number of children and young adults who might have been saved if their story could sell ad time. But you knew about her, right? You feel bad for all of them but somehow accept that only a handful are worthy of media attention. It’s not fair and it pisses me off. But you know I love it.
I love the hypocrisy. I love it and I love BHT and I love civil lawsuits and I’m being sarcastic.
The original purpose of wrongful death suits was to provide families with a financial option in the event that they lost their main supporter in an accident. It had nothing to do with exacting revenge on someone who either was found not guilty in a criminal court or, like in this case, wasn’t even charged at all.
A RIGHT WRONGFUL DEATH SUIT:
A lower class family loses their father when he his by a drunk driver. Regardless of the extent of the criminal case against the defendent, the family reserves the right to sue for monetary considerations if it is found that said defendent was indeed responsible for the death of their sole benefactor.
A WRONG WRONGFUL DEATH SUIT:
OJ Simpson.
The OJ Simpson case was bad and maybe a bad example as well, but here’s my thinking. I think he was guilty (like most of the world) but he was found innocent within our legal system. Nicole’s family should not have been able to sue him for the death because a jury said he had nothing to do with it. I thought this way when I it happened, when I was like 13, and I still feel the same way. But, it’s a flaw of the system that I accept.
But the Holloway-Twitty Contention have taken this idea to another fucking dimension. They want to sue the following person…a person who…
A) has never been charged in connection to their daughter’s disapperance.
B) isn’t even an American citizen.
and
C) just wants to go back to Holland and play futball and wear wooden shoes and drink really good beer. Can you blame him?
Oh yeah, and they want to sue this kid’s Dad. It all makes perfect sense to me. If only Reyna Gabriella Alvarado-Carerra’s family could afford to do such things. The world might be a better place. And I might be less sarcastic.
EPISODE 3: “Joran Van Der Cuddler?”
Joran Van Der Sloot (AKA: The Flying Dutchman*) admitted that he did plan on making sweet love to Natalee but didn’t after he realized that he had no more condoms. He then retired to the beach for some extended cuddle time. So not only did The Flying Dutchman practice safe sex but he also was well versed in the art of beach cuddling. Beach cuddling can be dangerous in its own right; that is to say if you are sleepy and high tide is fastly approaching. I myself am an expert cuddler. I’ve had alot of practice, and altough I don’t like to brag, I am probably one of the best cuddlers in the world.
I once cuddled with a girl for 37 straight hours. She still calls me sometime and she says she still loves me. I can’t blame her, and if she wasn’t such a dick-suckin’ cheater maybe things would have worked out for us. But enough about me…
There have been many scientific studies that cuddle enthusiasts are seldom murdering rapists. It has something to do with chemicals in the brain and up-bringing (I don’t have the exact numbers on hand). But I do know Dutch Cuddlers actually have the lowest cuddle to rape/murder ratio in the world.
The art of cuddling is not for the faint of heart or the weak-inded. It takes time and lots of pracivce. Especially beach-cuddling…you can’t be to sleepy and you have to know the ways of the mighty ocean. I find that back rubbing keeps your partner into it and makes them feel safe. The trick is to keep it 35% sexy and 65% friendly. Don’t grab for the boobs unless she really starts purring. Cuddling can be an effective lead up to sex but don’t force it. Chicks hate that shit.
*Incidentally, Hofstra University’s mascot was fomerly named after Van Der Sloot’s nickname, The Flying Dutchmen. However, after a civil lawsuit, Hofstra had to change their name to The Pride…by far giving them the lamest mascot in NCAA history.
