No parent wants to think that his or her child could ever be the victim of child molestation, but it is a very real possibility that can happen to anyone. I know because my daughter was molested two years ago at her father’s house during visitation. I never thought in a million years that my ex-husband could be irresponsible enough to have a party while he had our kids in the house. Innocence Stolen in the Night” tells the story of how I received the phone call informing me of my daughter’s molestation, and how I reacted to this devastating news.
I was a molestation victim myself at the age of three. I remember telling my mom and being whisked off to a therapist’s office where I was handed good touch/bad touch dolls. I refused to speak and did not mention the incident again for over 10 years. My mom did not know what to say or how to react, so she removed me from the situation and life carried on as usual. I am glad the topic was left untouched for years, even though I now know that was not the healthiest way to deal with the issue.
So what do you do after finding out your child has been a victim? Here are some hints on how to handle the situation with delicacy and help your child the best way possible:
1. Call the police.
While it may be difficult for your child to recount his or her experience, the perpetrator must be prosecuted. Sometimes though, as in my daughter’s case, there is a lack of sufficient evidence to file charges. Do not let this deter you. Even if the perpetrator is not arrested, a record will exist and, if future charges are filed, the police may be able to come back and file charges for your case as well. If you do not contact the police, the perpetrator is free to go after someone else. Just knowing that the police are looking at them could prevent another child from suffering this anguish.
2. Do not feel guilty.
Unless you knowingly left your child alone with someone that you knew to be a child molester, this is not your fault in any way. Do not blame yourself and do not feel guilty. Additionally, make sure your child knows this is not his or her fault either. They are an innocent victim. The blame lies on the perpetrator and no one else. I had a very hard time with aspect of recovery because I was the one who sent my children to my ex-husband’s house. I was reminded constantly by my family that I had to let my children go to his house based upon the court ordered visitation, and I had no real reason to deny visits. However, you still feel as though you should have known and been able to prevent this horror. I can tell you personally, 99% of the time, there is no way to know.
3. Seek therapy for you and your child.
Most children have a very hard time talking to their parents in general, let alone about an issue as difficult as molestation. Do not force your child to talk about it, as this can make them turn away from you even more. However, if they want to talk about it, you need to listen. I found this to be very difficult as well. It is human nature to ignore the issue and hope it goes away. Holding it in will only the situation and recovery worse. Find a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse and family therapy. Not only can they assist you and your child in the healing process, they can also be used to testify in court.
4. Protect your child from future contact with perpetrator.
This one might seem common sense; however, sometimes the perpetrator is a family member which makes this task somewhat difficult. Regardless of whom the perpetrator is, your child must not be allowed to be in contact with them even if it is only phone calls or letters. This is especially important when there is an ongoing investigation or trial. You should limit your own contact with the perpetrator as well. Whether you believe the allegations or not, do not interact with this person. Living in a small community, my husband and i ran into my daughter’s perpetrator several times during the investigation. Every time just brought all the pain and anguish right back again.
5. It is okay to cry, and let your child see it.
I never once let my daughter see me cry over her molestation. Even at the police station, while she gave her report, I bit my lip and tried to hold in the tears. I felt like it was better for my daughter to see me be strong. It was not until later that night, after she was sound asleep, that I really cried. I do not suggest allowing your child to watch you sob until you can no longer breathe, but they do need to know that it is okay to cry. The best way to let them know that is for them to see you cry. In fact, cry together. Just do not let your child think this is something to be brushed under the rug, so to speak, and held inside.
It is my hope that these tips can help you to survive this atrocious event, should it happen to you. I would never wish a pain like this on my worst enemy, but I know that it happens to people every day and in every town. I have found it is much more helpful to focus on your child and their recovery than the prosecution of the perpetrator. Focus on the positive and the future, not the hell that you have just endured.
