Let’s face it, babies cry. But should we as parents comfort them every single time they cry? Shouldn’t we sometimes just let them cry it out? Does that make us negligent parents? These are questions all parents of newborns will have to deal with. How you answer them and how you deal with the crying will determine your life with your newborn child.
Yes, babies cry. While babies do have varying cries in loudness, pitch, intensity, frequency, and duration, the average baby cries at least a total of one hour per day in the first two weeks of its life. By six to eight weeks the range is one two five hours per day depending on the fussiness of the baby. By the age of three to four month a reversal to just one hour per day is typical.
Such cry time totals can be quite lengthy by adult noise standards. For a parent the crying can be nerve wrecking and heartbreaking, if they find the baby to be inconsolable. Nobody wants his or her child to cry. Isn’t crying a sign of discomfort and pain? A sign that something is wrong? Shouldn’t we do everything to find a way to help the baby? Comfort it? See to it that it is happy go lucky again?
Yes, we should. If a baby cries, something is wrong. A parent’s natural instincts are not wrong in that respect. It is a parent’s duty to check on the baby and determine what is wrong. It is a parent’s duty to provide the relief and comfort the baby needs to deal with whatever is bothering it. Each child is different, and even seasoned parents have to relearn what the different cries mean and how to deal with them, when a newborn child comes into the family.
Babies have a great variety of cries to express how they feel at the moment and what their needs are. They can’t talk. Crying is their way to communicate.
Some cries are easy to deal with and parents learn quickly to recognize them. There is the “hunger” cry, which can easily be resolved by feeding the child. There are the “I’m wet” and “I’m stinky” cries, which vary depending on the amount. A quick diaper change will take care of that.
Some other cries are a bit more difficult to discern and deal with. Those are the “I’m hot/cold”, “I’m itchy,” and “I’m bored” cries. There are many more cries. It will take longer to resolve them, as parents will learn by trial and error how to comfort their little one.
But then there is this one cry, where there seems to be no comfort to it. It is usually whiny, complaining, at times angry. It often comes in the evening or early night, just when the parents finally want to relax from the day and maybe catch some sleep themselves. It’s a cry where parents find themselves comforting their baby, rocking it, singing, cooing, …. But nothing works. The baby might briefly fall asleep due to pure exhaustion, but as soon as the position is changed, the crying is back; inconsolably and heart-wrenching.
How do you deal with a crying time like that? All comfort measures fail. You have rocked, sung, and walked yourself to exhaustion. Similarly, your baby is utterly exhausted but somehow still finds the energy to cry on. At this point you have two options, you either rock, sing, or walk on, or you put the baby in the crib and let it cry with occasional check-ups.
Proponents of the first options reason that one is a better nurturer by providing continuous comfort. The baby is reassured that somebody will always be there to take care of him/her. Consequently, these parents turn into zombies for three months or longer, as sleep deprivation and nurturing instincts force their bodies to perform routines in order to take care of the baby and themselves. How much nurturing is really possible at that point? The parents get irritated, which in turn irritates the baby, which in turn cries; a vicious cycle.
As a parent you have to keep in mind that babies cry, sometimes for a long period of time. As the evening and nighttime draws near, the baby has been exposed to many stimulants. Eventually it had enough but it also still might have trouble processing all these new experiences. In the first three to four months of their lives, babies make great progress in their learning abilities and in their ability to take notice of their environment. Imagine it like having grown up on a rural farm and moving into New York City. It’s an explosion of stimulants. And just like a hard day of work for adults, taking in all these new experiences and learning from them is hard work for newborns. How do you feel after a long and demanding day at work? Tired, exhausted, crabby, but unable to go straight to bed? That’s how the little ones feel. And unlike an adult, a baby has not learned how to deal with this emotion. As a result, the baby cries. And just like a crabby adult after a long day at work, a baby is sometimes best left alone.
If your baby cries and you can’t find any apparent reason such as hunger, need of a diaper change, clothes uncomfortable, position uncomfortable, or sickness; if you tried to console your baby, but nothing works, then do yourself and your newborn a favor, put him/her into the crib and let him/her cry. It doesn’t make you a non-caring parent. It doesn’t make you negligent nor will your baby feel neglected. Any walking, singing, rocking, and other comfort measures will just add to the over-stimulation your baby is experiencing. It would only intensify the discomfort your baby is experiencing. Instead your baby will learn to deal with these emotions on their own, while you can take a breather and a small rest.
Now letting your baby cry it out in the crib doesn’t mean to leave him/her completely alone. Quietly check up on the baby every five to ten minutes, expanding the time-interval between check-ups. Don’t talk to the baby, just check for obvious discomfort signs. Your quiet touch will make sure your child knows you are still there. Because you have had a chance to sit down and take a deep breath, you will be calmer, and your baby will notice your calmness as a sign of comfort. The child will eventually settle down and fall asleep. Since you don’t have to move its position as you would after walking, rocking, etc, the sleep cycle will be uninterrupted and therefore last longer. This in turn will make the baby calmer and provide it with more energy to process the new experiences and stimuli of the next day. Not to mention that he parents can get some shut-eye in a more comfortable position in their own bed.
Both methods will seem draining for the parents at first. However, the cry periods should quickly become shorter for the parents following the second method. My first was done crying after the third night, my other two after the second. Some might take longer.
No matter what method you decide to follow, routines are a good way of aiding your baby to wind down, especially before the crucial night bedtime. In addition, reduce stimulants by turning down light and noise sources.
