Is “Sorority Row” supposed to be a straight-up horror film or a very dark comedy? There are times when it tries to be both, and I admit that some of them are successful. I find this odd, given the inherently unpleasant nature of the plot, which involves five sorority sisters, a sixth sister who was accidentally murdered, and a cloaked psychopath on the prowl. There are a few select moments that genuinely seem to be addressing the plot’s absurdity, as when an exasperated Rumer Willis sobs, “We are so dead! We are so dead!” and an unsympathetic Leah Pipes responds, “No one’s dead! Well, Megan …” But then there are the moments too ridiculous to be enjoyable, as when the sorority mother, played by Carrie Fisher, wanders the house in search of the killer, blasting holes in the walls with a shotgun. If there’s anything this movie doesn’t need, it’s broad, desperate humor like this.
The long and short of it is that “Sorority Row,” a remake of the 1983 film “The House on Sorority Row” (a.k.a. “Seven Sisters”), has moments of style but is really no better than your average teen slasher film, all silly setups, gruesome deaths, and implausible conclusions that go for shock value and nothing else. Those audiences only interested in female nudity will be pleased to know that one topless scene finds its way into the film, and now that we’ve established that, let’s get back to business, shall we? It’s a classic case of trying to guess the identity of the killer, who stalks the young sisters of Theta Pi while hidden underneath a hooded graduation robe. When we finally learn who the killer is, we can’t help but feel disappointed because this person (and I won’t say if it’s male or female) had nothing much to gain. Truth be told he or she wasn’t all that involved to begin with.
It begins, as many such stories begin, at a wild and crazy party, where girls have pillow fights on trampolines and beer practically flows out of fountains. In the midst of this revelry are six Theta Pi sisters: The protagonist, Cassidy (Briana Evigan); the self-appointed and mean-spirited leader, Jessica (Pipes), who has her eye on the son of a prominent senator; the shamelessly bulimic Chugs (Margo Harshman), who willingly sleeps with her therapist for pills; the brainy Ellie (Willis), who cries at the drop of a hat and can’t seem to handle the situation she eventually finds herself in; the beautiful Claire (Jamie Chung); and, finally, the ill fated Megan (Audrina Patridge), who fell victim to a prank gone wrong.
You see, it was discovered that Megan’s boyfriend and Chugs’ brother, Garrett (Matt O’Leary), has been cheating, and as Jessica firmly asserts, “You cheat on one Theta, you cheat on every Theta.” To teach Garrett a lesson, they instructed Megan to fake a seizure, and after Garrett ran to the sisters in a panic, they played the part by frantically getting Megan into a car and worriedly trying to drive to a hospital. They then announced with horror that she died, which meant, obviously, that the body had to be taken somewhere remote and dumped.
Oh, but that Jessica; she just had to suggest that they dismember the body so as not to leave evidence. Garrett, still under the impression that Megan was actually dead, took a tire iron and jammed it deep into her neck, apparently trying to decapitate her. Now with a real dead body to deal with, Jessica took over, forcefully trying to convince her remaining sisters that to save themselves and their families from a lifetime of hardship, they had to dispose of Megan and move on with their lives. “What about Trust, Respect, and Honor?” Cassidy says, remembering the Theta Pi motto. “You’re forgetting the rest,” Jessica coldly responds: “Secrecy and Solidarity.” And on that note, Megan is wrapped in a blanket and unceremoniously dropped down an empty well along with the tire iron.
We now flash forward eight months, when, in the midst of graduation and celebration, someone is sending the remaining sisters video footage from Megan’s cell phone shot the night she was killed. Pretty soon her jacket shows up. So does the message “Theta Pi must die!” which was written in blood at the bottom of the well. And that’s when the bodies start piling up. Is it possible that Megan didn’t die, that she’s now back for revenge? If not, then who else knows the guilty secret of the Theta Pi sisters? Could Garrett have something to do with it? Ever since that fateful night eight months ago, he has developed, as Chugs puts it, an odd sense of humor.
And that’s pretty much all I can tell you. Something might have developed here were it not for the general disconnect between the film’s horror and comedy. Much of the latter is reserved for Jessica, who’s given dialogue so sarcastic and bitchy that it quickly loses its appeal. But the film’s biggest problem is following a routine most are simply tired of. Consider this setup: Ellie, sent to retrieve more alcohol for a party, descends into a dark, dank basement all alone with nothing but a flashlight to guide her way. Right after saying, “Hello? Anyone there?” the batteries in the flashlight fail. The music takes an ominous turn, and … well, you get the idea. Having recently sat through two truly terrible horror films, “Halloween II” and “The Final Destination,” I can say with complete honesty that “Sorority Row” isn’t quite as bad as they are. Unfortunately, that’s the best I can offer in terms of a recommendation. You want a typical slasher? You’ve got one.
– Chris Pandolfi
