Hear ye! Hear ye! The fun is about begin! You pull up into the parking lot of Medieval Times Dinner Theater and lo and behold, there stands a wondrous castle! Yes folks right near downtown Dallas and practically across the street from our hotel stood a beacon drawing me too it. I could not deny the pull of the spires and promises of jousting.
You cross the moat and enter the foyer to the Medieval Times Dinner Theater, where you give up your left arm, right leg, and first born child to be allowed entrance. (Actually, they refused the child, she eats too much and is way too mouthy.) I was in Dallas for Azure’s wedding, and decided to treat my brother and his daughter to this fine evening… at $46.49 per person. Plus two bucks apiece for the torture chamber tour, of course. We declined the extras for meeting the King, but we did pay like $7 bucks apiece for two pictures of the group while we were dining. Pricey, yet oh so worth it.
Upon paying the toll and receiving our flags and crowns (more on that in a bit) we were led into the next room where you could be photographed with the Queen. Scott (my brother) did buy the one of his daughter, I wish I had bought that one too now, damn it.
From there we went into the Medieval Times Torture Chamber where I had a grand time watching them cringe as I described in gory detail what each device was used for. This is a maze-type area with various devices lined against the wall with placards giving the name of each, and a brief bit on it’s usage. The looks of horror at the Iron Maiden were priceless…
From there you are into the main hall of Medieval Times, which has the awesome feel of being inside a real castle, but with tons of tourist crap. heh. Adorning the walls and ceilings are banners and shields and the like. There are a myriad of booths set up where you can buy everything from coffee cups to a full set of armor. The prices are really very reasonable. I think I paid about 5 bucks for the coffee cup, and also bought a little pewter dragon for less than I’d seen it for at my local mall. Score! You can also wet your whistle here with beer and various exotic non-alcoholic drinks while awaiting your color to be called (remember that flag you got at the beginning?). Each color corresponds to a Knight.
Once your color is called, you will line up at a Great Door. Upon entering the arena, you are seated on a stadium type bench with a long table and instructed by your serving wench upon etiquette and such, like that you will be eating with your hands. They didn’t use utensils back in the day, and you won’t either! She will also take your drink order (Pepsi or beer) and bring you your meal in a bit. During this you will be treated to an amazing show by their own Andalusian horses.
In fact, Medieval Times owns the 241-acre ranch in Sanger, Texas. There they breed, raise, and train all the horses used in their shows. Andalusians are a rare breed and Medieval Times is to be lauded for continuing such a noble breed. They are begun on their training at the ranch until age three, then transported to one of 7 locations where they are matched up with a Master Trainer who they will then spend the rest of their life with.. unless of course the trainer quits, but that happens extremely rarely. There the horses are trained in every aspect of 11th Century dressage and jousting. Those trainers and horses are one.. just try to separate them! You can see them up close and talk to these trainers out in the big hall if you like.
On to the Jousting! You will notice that each Knight has his own squire. Those squires are learning the ropes so they can go on to their own Medieval Times as Knight in their own right. They go through 375 hours of intense training. So the squire in your section today may very well be your Champion Knight next time you attend one their locations. Now, the ring pierce may be the least exciting part of the show, but this actually requires an extreme amount of skill. You try putting that lance through that tiny hoop while on horseback at a dead run! Those cheers are serious when they make it.
The jousting itself if a bit overly-choreographed for me, but fine for your standard everyday customer. See, I’m used to more daring and closer-to-authentic jousts at various venues throughout the summer such as the Maryland Renaissance Festival. I’m not saying there’s no danger at Medieval Times, there is. They are running at each other at better than 35 miles per hour on horseback with a big stick.. things can go wrong. Lances will shatter upon impact at times, but also you occasionally will see one of the Knights kinda wuss out at the last minute and slow his horse down or try to pull the contact. heh. Ah well, this isn’t really the 11th century, and the King’s honor is not truly at stake. Still. I’m just spoiled.
Oh, you want to hear about what it is exactly you will be having to eat with your hands, eh? To start out, you will be served a bowl of Vegetable soup. This is by far the most difficult of the menu to eat with no spoon. Quite comical, really. It’s very good soup so do be a sport and tip that bowl! Next you get a pewter plate with half a baked chicken which is very good, although some of you who prefer their chicken juicy may not be pleased with it. I like my chicken done damn it so I loved this. You also get Garlic bread, a spare rib (kinda so-so), half a roasted baked potato with herbs (scrumptious) and an apple pastry to top it all off. No, you will not leave this event hungry. If you chose beer you can have two included, Pepsi is free-flowing and all-you-can-drink.
The dinner menu is pretty standard at every location I think, and hasn’t changed so you can count on that good food no matter which city you plan to visit. While we went to the Dallas location, they also have castles in Myrtle Beach, SC; Buena Park, CA; Shaumburg, IL; Toronto, Ontario; Lyndhurst, NJ; Kissimmee, FL; and Washington DC. It’s not somewhere I’d go on a regular basis, but it is a very fun place to take out of town visitors.
Do check their website if you plan to go, as they often have discounts and coupons available. They also have packages for groups and special events such as birthdays.
All in all, I do recommend you experience one of these Medieval Times Dinner Theaters at least once in your life. It’s a visit you won’t soon forget, and it’s a great way to get introduced to the magical world of times Medieval. Go ahead… you’ll have a Knight to protect you, after all…
2021 N. Stemmons Freeway
Dallas, TX 75207
Phone Reservations:
1-800-229-9900
For Group Sales:
214-761-1801
