From the time I was 10-years-old until I turned 24, I lived a double life. One life existed of what those around me saw, a fairly healthy young person, active, busy with school, friends, and jobs. My weight flocculated quite a bit, but these seemed to happen at normal life changes. I gained weight when my brother was in a near tragic car accident and spent several months in the hospital when I was 15. I had lost so much weight my senior year of high school that it hurt to sit down for too long. Photographs from the Fall of 1999, show me smiling, with hallow cheeks and circles under my eyes. As it is becoming a cliché in a country where so many women struggle with body issues, the rapid swings in body mass was the result of an eating disorder. I say I lived a double life because I worked so hard to keep my behavior a secret. It became routine for me to sneak into my kitchen late at night after everyone had gone to bed, so I could consume as much food (usually sweets) as possible.
Late at night was prime time for this because I could then throw it back up a few minutes later without anyone hearing. These actions started for me in the fourth grade, the year after my parents divorced and my mother announced she would be marrying a close family friend. Even though I am tall and somewhat solidly built, I am not naturally an obese person by any standards, yet, my new stepbrothers and stepfather unfortunately felt the need to comment on my appearance compared to my willowy sisters. Typically my brothers joined in on these tirades, perhaps seizing on an opportunity to bond with the new males in our family.
To swallow the pain of these comments, an unstable father, and uncomfortable home life, I would go through long periods of time where I would not eat much of anything during the school days (at least for a tall, active kid like myself, yogurt and apples was not much to sustain hunger), and then come home and binge at night. I learned after a few months that I need to lose the food at night so I could sleep more comfortably. This was a secret I could not put a finger on, only knowing that while it made me feel sick, it also somehow calmed me. It was only until my late years of junior high, when I started reading teen magazines that had dramatic stories of young girls controlling their lives through food that I started to identify similar characteristics between my story and theirs.
I would take quizzes printed at the end of these articles with titles like “Do You Have an Eating Disorder?”, answering yes to nearly every question, yet still not believing I had a problem. My eating pattern, like life, had its ebbs and flows. I thought I had it under control my freshman year of college when I chose to eat nothing but cottage cheese, tomato sandwiches, and apples for an entire semester to lose the weight gained in the first two months of school. Perhaps because I am tall, not many people noticed the many drastic leaps and drops in my weight. Perhaps people did see, but were afraid to comment. A wake-up call for my unhealthy behavior came in my third year at college, when a close friend told me she knew exactly what I was doing. After watching me for three years at school together, she said it was fairly obvious that I needed help.
My embarrassment and shame at being caught was enough to talk to a counselor that spring. I did become very healthy for the next year and a half; working out regularly, while eating plenty and being happy about it, but still managing to keep my weight steady. Unfortunately with the stress of starting graduate school, on top of working too many jobs, and being involved with my first romantic relationship lasting longer then three months, I started the old habits again, my weight increasing to new outstanding numbers for me.
How did I stop it? I literally woke up one day and decided I could not take being sick anymore. I decided I would lose the weight, but do it steadily if need be. I also cut out all meat except for fish out of my diet. While it is hard to say that this would work for everyone, the natural adjustment of other foods in my diet that came with that choice has made a huge difference for me. This change is not only in appearance, but my mental well-being. I have increased my fitness level slowly this year and refuse to do any workouts that I don’t find fun and extremely enjoyable. This has meant plenty of Pilates and yoga classes, and running. My lifestyle change has given me a physical and mental strength I never knew, which has led me to sign up for a marathon this coming October. Another huge step for me in overcoming this obstacle has been to talk about it. My boyfriend knows what a struggle this impulse to damage my body through food is, especially during times of high stress. He supports me and talks me through negative feelings that lead to the impulse. I am becoming more frank with my family members and friends about it as well, which helps. When I feel isolated in this obstacle, I take heart in the support I choose to gain from the people around me. I also remember it is my choice to take care of myself.
