In Dream New Dreams: Reimagining My Life After Loss, Jai Pausch reveals much about her perspective on Randy Pausch’s 23-month battle with pancreatic cancer and the circumstances leading up to his famous Last Lecture. For background about Randy and the Last Lecture, click this link to read my earlier article: http://voices.yahoo.com/jai-pausch-widow-randy-pausch-publish-her-own-6931896.html?cat=38
The basic facts about Randy and Jai are well known, as are many of Randy’s perspectives. What is new in this book by Jai are her views and some facts not previously shared. Here are some highlights:
Surprising Revelations from Jai about Life Before Cancer
Jai had been married previously and unhappily to her “college sweetheart” and was therefore quite wary of commitment when she met Randy. Even though she was 30, he was crazy about her, generous and demonstrative, and a good “catch” by any objective standard, he had to work extra hard to win her. They met in 1998 when he visited the computer science lab where she worked at the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill; they married in Pittsburgh in May 2000.
Another point highlighted by Jai is that she and Randy were under pressure to start a family immediately because he was 40 and she was 34. The couple had three children in a five-year period! The family faced its first serious medical crisis with Dylan’s premature birth in late 2001. After a difficult pregnancy, Jai gave birth to a two pound, 15 ounce baby who was precarious. Jai, Randy, and Jai’s mother took turns feeding Dylan every three hours for three months once he was large enough to be cared for at home. The baby had to be fed on schedule because he was too weak to cry.
This background makes even more poignant the family’s misery at Randy’s fatal cancer; Jai and Randy had only been together a few short years and had just produced three beautiful children when Randy’s diagnosis came to light. Their youngest child, Chloe, was only four months old when Randy learned he had terminal cancer in 2006.
Revelations about the Fight against Cancer
Jai’s excruciating choices between being Randy’s caregiver and mother to three young children were a main theme of her book. Immediately after the emotionally crushing diagnosis, Randy had surgery to remove the tumor-surgery that is one of the most complex and dangerous procedures in medicine. Then he chose to undertake intensive and aggressive experimental chemotherapy in Houston, forcing Jai to commute between Houston and Pittsburgh every weekend for several months. Jai’s children were too young to understand why their father was missing and their mother had to leave them over and over.
Once Randy survived the surgery and the chemotherapy, he had a period of great hope that these measures might have been effective. He felt practically normal and participated in family life and vacation trips. However, shortly before he was scheduled to give the “Journeys” lecture at Carnegie Mellon University in September 2007, he learned that the cancer had returned and spread widely throughout his body. This meant that he had only months to live. Jai wanted him to cancel public engagements and dedicate himself to spending time with her and the children. He however was compelled to be very public, even when it was very difficult physically. He had life messages he wanted to deliver and he wanted to campaign for funding for pancreatic cancer research. Jai’s patience with Randy’s publicity-seeking behavior was frankly amazing.
When the video of the Last Lecture went viral, this was completely unexpected. The lecture was more than an hour long! The attention from national media was stunning, but seemed to buoy Randy’s spirits. Therefore Jai went along with Randy’s wishes to appear on Diane Sawyer’s show, testify before Congress, give another lecture at the University of Virginia, and then turn the lecture into a book. His public swan song was a Charge to the Graduates at the May 2008 Carnegie Mellon Commencement ceremony, where Al Gore was the main speaker. Randy presented Gore with a copy of his book. Two months later Randy died.
Planning for Randy’s Death, Funeral, and Jai’s Early Days Alone
One of the most fascinating aspects of Dream New Dreams is learning about how Jai and Randy worked together to manage the final months. There was friction, including Randy insisting on buying an impractical sports car that he barely had a chance to drive. According to Jai, Randy cried out: “You can sell the damn car after I’m dead”–an understandable outburst, but inconsistent with the sunny disposition he projected in public forums. In fact, he did buy the sports car and she did sell it shortly after his death.
Other shockers had to do with Randy’s compulsion to prepare his family for life without him. Jai reports that he actually developed a list of potential third husbands for her consideration! (She refused to read it.) He also asked her this unthinkable question: Did she think it would be wise to put Chloe, their baby, up for adoption? She gave that suggestion no credence whatsoever and chalked it up to the extreme stress Randy was under. He was a “problem solver” and his mind was grasping for solutions.
On the other hand, they worked together productively and constructively to put together an estate plan, move to Virginia to put Jai near her family support system, and make arrangements for a private and tasteful funeral service. Their ability to face up these choices when Randy was still alive was very helpful to Jai. They also worked together to minimize the impact of Randy’s illness and death on the children, following expert recommendations from a counselor. For example, they did not tell the children that Randy’s illness had returned until the signs were clear. In addition, they worked hard to maintain the children’s daily routines despite everything.
Jai and the Children in Virginia
Clearly having Jai’s parents and siblings around was very helpful. Both Jai and Randy were blessed with strong families. In addition, she was well provided for financially and did not need to work outside the home. Nevertheless, Jai found herself experiencing profound grief and worried that she might not be able to serve as both mother and father to Dylan, Logan, and Chloe. One of the most touching parts of the book is Jai’s description of how she learned to take the three children on fun trips without Randy. She describes this as discovering that she too has some “magic” to tap into.
Another insight is that the children’s grief followed a different pattern than her own. Hers was crushing at the time of Randy’s death and then gradually diminishing as she developed a new life step by step. On the other hand, the children were less able to grasp the full enormity in the immediate moment but kept re-encountering the loss as they reached key developmental stages. There were times when she had to go back into grief mode to comfort a child when she had been doing relatively well herself.
Jai’s Future Role
Jai describes her gradual adjustment to a new life as a single parent in Virginia. She finds fulfillment in playing a role in pancreatic cancer awareness, learns to be a public speaker, takes tennis lessons for the first time, and reconnects with friends in her hometown. She buys an alarm system, a MINI Cooper, and redecorates the master bedroom. Eventually, she feels ready to date, but there are few ready prospects in her immediate view. She turned to the internet and from that source met Richard Essenmacher, a retired Navy submariner, now her husband. She says that her relationship with Rich is very different from her prior marriage-that she and Rich enjoy cooking together. Reading between the lines, one suspects that her new husband is less of a high-flyer than Randy, more of a homebody, and perhaps more mellow. Anyone who reads this book will wish her well.
Conclusion: Should you Read this Book?
Anyone who followed the story of Randy Pausch and his family, who read the Last Lecture, or is interested in the effects of cancer on a caregiver will find this book very interesting. It is written in a straightforward, not sensationalistic or overly sentimental style. It is a personal story and not “Lessons for Life” in the manner of the Last Lecture. Jai Pausch comes across as a genuine, flawed, but loving person who has learned how to carry on despite personal tragedy and dream new dreams. The book is aptly named.
Details:
Dream New Dreams: Reimagining My Life After Loss by Elizabeth Jai Pausch, 2012, published by Crown Archetype, a division of Random House, Inc. New York.
Author’s Note: Although we did not know him then, Randy Pausch grew up in Columbia, Maryland, just a few miles away from my family. Later, my daughter was a student at Carnegie Mellon University who had the privilege to hear Randy’s talk at the 2008 Commencement. Just last month we visited Carnegie Mellon and walked across the Randy Pausch Bridge and remembered his Last Lecture. He is a shining example of how the force of one personality can make a lasting difference not just in a family or across a university, but even across the nation.
