A few weeks ago I locked myself out of the house (again), and had to get in via my bedroom window because we’ve already winterized our living room window with plastic. Luckily, my fiance was with me so he was able to ease me through the bedroom window by letting me stand in his cupped hands and use him as a ladder to climb in.
Well, graceful as I am (about as much as a dog on ice skates) I slipped, and landed right on my baby maker receiver, slamming down hard on the ledge with all my might, right between my legs. I didn’t climb inside the window so much as double over in pain and fall in the window onto the bed, where I rolled around seeing stars and feeling a heartbeat in my downstairs and an excruciating pain like you would not believe. It stung and burned and throbbed like a mother, and my poor fiance crawled through the window and tried to console me while I squeezed tears out of my eyes and yelped about my broken vagina.
Who knew a sucker could swell up so fast? My goodness, I was more swollen than a dog in heat within minutes, and it hurt- bad, all through my stomach and into my hips. I thought I ripped my vagina off. My fiance called the local clinic since I could hardly walk, fearing I had broken my pelvis, but I was sure I had just bruised myself up good.
Ladies, if your little poot takes a beating, here’s what you should do, courtesy of the laughing but friendly medical advice of my local clinic’s staff- inspect yourself for any bleeding, tears, and bruising. Swelling is to be expected (and looks really, really weird). Place an ice pack over your goods as soon as possible and try to elevate your legs whilst laying on the couch praying for death. Elevating the legs or even just lying down helps take the blood flow and major pressure off the vagina, causing the swelling to subside and the aching heartbeat to minimize. Walking around or standing is the worst thing you can do, unless you want the swelling to continue.
Take an ibuprofen or something to minimize the achiness. Excedrin is the only type of headache stuff that works for me, so I popped about 7 of those and laid on the couch with a frozen bag of peas over my poor poonani, which was still HUGE but not hurting so much because I was lying down.
When you sleep, try to sleep on your back with your feet up. Trust me, rolling over on your side or belly will wake you up so fast from the sharp pain you’ll think you are being stabbed to death via your lady parts. Obviously, sex is out of the question. Even my fiance understood that. He was one lonely man for about 5 days.
Refrain from wearing tight clothing, like jeans or thong underwear that can put pressure on your swollen vagina or irritate it for the next few days. I went to pajama town and hobbled around in granny panties barely over my ass to keep the material from rubbing against me. Continue to rest your vagina as much as possible, using an ice pack 2 or 3 times a day for 20 minutes or so as the vagina heals. Take over the counter pain meds as necessary while you heal, and avoid prolonged standing (which causes swelling) as much as you can.
See a doctor if the swelling stays consistent, goes away then comes back full swing, or if you are in so much pain you can’t urinate or defecate (I could, but holy mother, it sucked) or if you have blood in your urine. If your pain gets worse rather than better (it took me about 5 days to heal up enough to where I felt normal), or if you cannot walk or move without excruciating pain after 24 hours of self-healing, or if you are just plain terrified you damaged your goods really badly, by all means, see your doctor right away. You may get some chuckles at the door, but at least you can rule out or determine any real injury to your business.
Sources:
my local health clinic
personal experience (unfortunately)
