Miscarriage is a devastating and traumatic experience for both the man and woman- for some couples, it can be the most trying time in their relationship. Men also tend to get the “short end of the stick” when it comes to being able to express their feelings about the miscarriage, or when family members and friends express sympathy or concern. This is mainly because men tend to keep their emotions hidden away better, in the mistaken belief that they have to be “strong.”
It’s also true that men don’t go through the actual physical pain of the miscarriage, nor are they dealing with the physical symptoms- so many people forget that when a woman has a miscarriage- her partner is having a miscarriage too! There are ways men can help their wife deal with miscarriage though, which in turn will help both of them.
Understand that men have their own feelings of pain and grief when a miscarriage occurs, and it’s important for them to seek help if they are having trouble coping. A big way to help your wife to cope with a miscarriage is to avoid “smashing” your feelings down. Allow yourself to grieve and show your feelings.
Your wife needs to know she isn’t alone. Imagine if you are grieving the way you are, what she is going through. Make sure she knows how much you love her and that she can rely on you. Have patience for however she is grieving or coping with the miscarriage. The grieving process can take many months, don’t try to push her too hard to “get over it.
Make sure you are open to your wife and what she is going through, help her to feel ‘safe’ discussing the miscarriage and her feelings with you. Try not to be
“distant” or nonchalant about it- this could make her feel you don’t care.
Don’t try to give your wife false “hope” or empty reassurances. Don’t tell her “We can have another baby” or, “We’ll get pregnant again.” While hope and optimism are a good thing, false hope or empty optimism can do severe damage. It’s best to remain realistic about the fact that the future is uncertain, and to let your wife know that you will continue to love her and be with her regardless of the outcome.
Don’t withdraw from your wife or avoid her. Give her the same attention, time and affection that you did before the miscarriage- if not more. If you find her withdrawing from you or “life,” encourage her gently to keep going, and to seek professional help if needed.
Remain supportive no matter what- your wife is grieving and hurt, and she needs to know that you aren’t judging her or being impatient with her for her way of
grieving or how long it may take. Don’t get angry with your wife for being sad, depressed, hurt, etc- try to empathize with her, and try to express understanding and unconditional love.
Recognize that the miscarriage isn’t your fault or your wife’s fault, and avoid placing blame on either of you. Placing blame has no place in the grief process.
Sometimes miscarriages just happen, and there’s no “real reason” for it. Don’t blame yourself or your wife for losing the baby, it will only end up eating away at you both, cause a lot of anger and hurt, and it will make it difficult for you and your wife to be close again.
Understand that after a miscarriage, some women are ready to start “trying” again immediately, and others will withdraw from sex for fear of getting pregnant and miscarrying again. It’s important not to push your wife in either direction, let her take the lead. If you feel she’s not truly dealing with her feelings, then express your concerns gently. Once she’s dealt with the miscarriage and the resulting pain, then your sex life will go back to normal. Have patience in the meantime!
Some women will unrealistically expect that their husband will be able to provide any and all emotional support needed after a miscarriage. If you feel over-whelmed or are unable to deal with the emotions you both are trying to cope with, it would be a good idea to suggest couple’s counseling or individual counseling for you both.
Understand that your wife may become angry at everything and everyone, she may cry frequently (or almost constantly) and she may either want to discuss the
miscarriage constantly, or pretend it never happened. Encourage her to deal with her emotions in a healthy manner and avoid getting angry with her for expressing her feelings in whatever way she does.
Miscarriage is a traumatic and painful event, and can put a strain on your marriage. With patience, understanding and love it can bring you and your wife closer together. Don’t give up or give in to the feelings of pain, and allow yourselves to grieve.
