Ever wonder what a typical day of those peculiar people that call themselves anorexic is like? As I am diagnosed with anorexia nervosa (a mental disorder that is defined as a refusal to maintain a healthy body weight due to a skewed self image), I can let you in on it for a day.
7AM- 9AM: I am awake because I have an early riser toddler. I make him breakfast and watch intensely as he eats. I am obsessed with his calorie intake as well as mine. I try to make sure to give him everything his body needs and I plan out his meals extensively. Should he decide he no longer wants his food, I casually follow him around asking him occasionally if he would like a bite. My stomach growls with the site of food but I am not allowed to eat until I have finished my very precise routine.
9AM-11AM: Now that my toddler’s breakfast is out of the way, I must clean for at least two hours. I consider this part of my exercise since I can’t afford a gym membership and most definitely need to make sure I am burning calories at all times. I vacuum daily, do the laundry and clean the tiles in my house by hand. I figure this is the best way to burn the most calories. In my head, I am thinking of food. I am constantly thinking of food and meal planning.
11AM- 12PM: Time for toddler’s lunch. I sit down at the table with him, watch him and make sure he gets a healthy amount. By this point, I am extremely hungry but I cannot eat. I have made certain rules with myself regarding food intake.
12PM- 3PM: I am exhausted from lack of nutrition. This is the lowest point of my day. My energy levels are so low that I just have to lie down on the couch while my toddler plays. I use this time to read books on anorexia or surf the internet, looking for eating disorder forums. My eating disorder is all I can think about. It consumes me entirely. Sometimes during this time frame, I will go look in my cabinets or refrigerator, trying to work the numbers in my head: If I eat this, I can still have this for dinner. If I eat half of that, I can actually have a decent dinner. I will pull out a string cheese or an apple and absentmindedly put it back. I cannot afford those calories. 100 calories for a measly apple? When you are only allotted 500 calories or less for a day, 100 calories is a huge chunk. It’s not worth it to me. I do this throughout the day: Picking food up and putting it back. On the rare occasion that I do consume something, I feel tremendous guilt. Sometimes I weep. I get nervous if I’ve eaten something and feel the need to start cleaning my house again, even if it’s in pristine condition.
3PM-6PM: My toddler takes a nap during this time and I am so grateful for this 3 hour window of time in which I can exercise in full force around my house. First, I drink a pot of coffee. It is warm, delicious and soothing to my grumbling stomach. I drink it black so there are almost no calories. Coffee is a great appetite suppressant and I take advantage of it every single day. After I’ve finished my coffee I will drink a bottle of water and start walking. I walk intensively around the perimeter of my apartment nonstop for the entire time my toddler is napping. While I am walking, I play with numbers in my head. I figure how many calories I am burning and how many calories I will consume for my dinner. I will play with these numbers over and over even though I know them like the back of my hand. When I am finished with my walking, I lie down briefly so I can run my hands over my stomach and thighs. I need to be able to feel my ribs and hipbones and I need to make sure my stomach is flat. I lift my shirt up and check myself out in the mirror. If I have eaten more than I intended to the day before, I look fat. My fat is bulging and I look like a whale. When I have been “good” with my intakes, I can see my ribs and I look positively bony. The mirror is always playing tricks on me.
6PM-8PM: Now my husband will be home from work and it’s time for dinner. If we are going out for dinner, I have to review the nutrition information online and make sure I know exactly what is safe to get at the restaurant. Eating out in a restaurant makes me feel full of anxiety and the best way I know how to deal with that is to “play” with my food. In other words, I cut my food up into bite sized, even numbered pieces. I vow to only eat a certain amount and I chew each bite 20 times before swallowing. I have to take a drink of water between each and every bite. Sometimes I almost start crying because eating in a restaurant is extremely embarrassing for me. It feels as though all eyes are on me and I am sure everyone is judging me for eating. I always have to make sure I leave a little of each food on my plate. Eating out in a restaurant can take close to 2 hours. If we are eating at home, I feel a little more at ease. I am more comfortable with eating in front of my husband than with anyone else therefore food games aren’t entirely necessary. I can also be sure of the exact calorie content. I usually save up all of my caloric intake for dinnertime so I can have a decent dinner with my husband. It is usually between 350-500 calories. I will never go over 600 during the week. There are also certain foods I have come to completely reject. I will not eat pork, mayonnaise, most dairy products, or any starches that are not whole grain. My husband knows about my eating disorder but for the most part, his hands are tied. You can’t force an anorexic to eat more. I think he is grateful anyway that I manage to eat what I do.
9PM- 11PM: This is the time in which most families would wind down for the evening, however I am feeling a little nervous about having just eaten. I might clean the tile floors again to calm myself down or do the dishes. I used to use this time to start pacing again, but my husband made me quit as it would drive him mad seeing me go around and around in the same path. I feel like I need to use this last chance to burn some of my dinner off.
11PM: Bedtime. Once the baby is put down for the night, it’s time to call it a day. While I’m lying in bed, instead of counting sheep, I count my calorie intake for the day over and over until I feel safe. I am already thinking of what I will have tomorrow for dinner. I drift off to sleep, nine times out of ten dreaming of food.
I never wanted this life. This disorder slowly took hold of me until it became my entire world. While I sometimes toy with the idea of recovery, right now it is too much for me to deal with. This disease is all I know and is now what I consider my entire identity. One day, though, for the sake of my family (as well as for myself) I hope to be ED-free. Until then, this is my life.
