It’s April, and hope springs eternal in football land as the schedule is released for next season. How many of you out there look at the schedule of your favorite team and talk yourself into believing this will be the year? 30%…? 50%…? 80%…? I believe it’s more like 100 %, but who’s keeping score…Yes, every team is undefeated. Zero losses with a certainty to not lose anytime soon… at least until September. I say go ahead… book those Super Bowl tickets! But if you’re a fan of the Washington Redskins, you may want to read further as I accurately prognosticate their upcoming season.
(All picks are made for entertainment purposes only and should not be used to get a second mortgage on your house and blow your kids college money gambling on something you have exactly zero influence on the outcome of.)
Sep 4th – @ NY Giants
Let’s see… Rookie head coach vs. Super Bowl champions in the season opener. Coach Zorn passes out during the National Anthem and isn’t revived until the 3rd quarter.
(Redskins 24 – Giants 10)
Sep 14th – New Orleans Saints
Reggie Bush is well rested for this game because he stays with his parents at the White House the night before… which was generously supplied by his agent.
(Redskins 13 – Saints 27)
Sep 21st – Arizona Cardinals
The Arizona entire offensive unit went out the night before the game to celebrate Russ Grimm’s return to DC. Unfortunately Matt Lienart was their designated driver.
(Redskins 34 – Cardinals 0)
Sep 28th – @ Dallas Cowboys
Jessica Simpson can be seen sending plays into the huddle via Tony Romo’s IPhone. In an effort to boost attendance, Dallas has “Terrell Owens Bobble Hands Night.”
(Redskins 21 – Cowboys 7)
Oct 5th – @ Philadelphia Eagles
Jason Campbell tosses three touchdown passes… to Asante Samuel.
(Redskins 10 – Eagles 24)
Oct 12th – St Louis Rams
In an effort to prove his last two seasons coaching the ‘Skin’s offense was an anomaly, Al Saunders unveils his innovative “Two Quarterback Backfield.” The Redskins compile a record 29 sacks.
(Redskins 32 – Rams 3)
Oct 19th – Cleveland Browns
Romeo Crennel misses the team flight to DC because his “What’s Happening” reunion ran late. Brady Quinn saves the day by quarterbacking and coaching the Browns to victory after inserting himself into the lineup during the 3rd quarter.
(Redskins 24 – Browns 27)
Oct 26th – @ Detroit Lions
After drafting WR Devin Thomas with their first pick in this year’s draft, Detroit still hasn’t come to the realization that they don’t have anyone to throw the ball to all the receivers they’ve been stockpiling.
(Redskins 17 – Lions 3)
Nov 3rd – Pittsburgh Steelers
On the eve of their lone Monday night game this year, the ‘Skin’s Vinny Cerrato trades Antwaan Randle El back to the Steeler’s for the rights to Franco Harris. Randle El proceeds to throw two touchdowns and return a kick for another in a rout.
(Redskins 3 – Steelers 34)
Nov 16th – Dallas Cowboys
Told to leave his IPhone at home, Tony Romo has a career day throwing for five touchdowns. Unfortunately not one went to Terrell Owens who blasted his QB after the game and demanded a trade to Tampa Bay to be reunited with his old QB Jeff Garcia.
(Redskins 17 – Cowboys 35)
Nov 23rd – @ Seattle Seahawks
After watching his team fall behind by three touchdowns in his old stomping grounds, Coach Zorn pulls Jason Campbell out of the game and inserts himself in as QB.
(Redskins 27 – Seahawks 24)
Nov 30th – NY Giants
Eli Manning woke up this morning yelling “Sgt Carter! Sgt Carter!” only to realize Tom Coughlin was whispering “just throw the damn ball away” in his ear while sleeping. I woke up this morning and realized just how old I really was. I guess you can use my “Gomer Pyle” reference as proof.
(Redskins 21 – Giants 17)
Dec 7th – @ Baltimore Ravens
The Baltimore secondary resembled Pearl Harbor with all the bombs Jason Campbell dropped on them today. Ray Lewis still can’t dance.
(Redskins 35 – Ravens 7)
Dec 14th – @ Cincinnati Bengals
In an unprecedented moment in sports history, Chad Johnson doesn’t celebrate after scoring the last second winning touchdown for the hapless Bengals. Asked “why” after the game, Chad would only say it was a team effort and he does not want any individual attention. Witnesses say his head would later explode.
(Redskins 17 – Bengals 21)
Dec 21st – Philadelphia Eagles
Jason Campbell tosses three touchdown passes… this time to his own team. Donovan McNabb announces his plans to retire at the end of the season to pursue a business venture with Terrell Owens publishing children’s books.
(Redskins 28 – Eagles 10)
Dec 28th – @ San Francisco 49ers
In a rage, Clinton Portis runs for 367 yards after realizing that “Rice-O-Roni” isn’t really the San Francisco treat.
(Redskins 27 – 49ers 10)
2008 Washington Redskins 10-6
