The most important thing to remember when you are preparing for a child custody battle is to know that child custody hearings should NEVER BE battles. In fact anytime a custody hearing becomes a battle then it is no longer a custody hearing to determine what is in the best interest of the child and it becomes a hearing of what the parents want and a child custody hearing should always be about the child not the parent’s What this means is that parents need to put aside their anger with each other and/or the situation and focus on the needs of their child. I am aware that this can be very difficult.
Divorce involves betrayal, death of dreams, depression and on occasion rage. Often any and all emotions felt by the parents are legitimate and should be acknowledged. However these feelings and frustrations should be acknowledged and addressed only by the adults and only in ways that are healthy and not self destructive. One of the best ways for a parent to have his or her feelings acknowledged and validated is through therapy. Therapy gives the parent a place where he or she can go and be completely safe and hopefully receive support and constructive feedback. In many cases it may be helpful in divorce to also seek out therapy for the children involved. While a parent is experiencing the loss of his or her marriage the child is experiencing the loss of his or her family.
Here are some very important things to remember when you are preparing for a custody hearing.
1. The judge does not love your children – you are the one who loves your child
2. The judge does not know your children – you are the one that knows your child
3.The judge is likely to hear fifty child custody cases a week. While this is the most important thing going on in your life it is not the most important thing going on in the judges life (this sounds harsh but it is true)
4. The lawyers do not love or know your children either and while you may be paying them hundreds of dollars an hour your custody hearing is NOT the most important thing in their life. Often they will do the best they can for you and zealously advocate on your behalf but when the hearing is over they are going home to their family
5. Judges do not like it when parents attack each other. It demonstrates an immaturity on the part of the parent and makes it less likely the judge will rule in your favor
6. If you and your ex-partner are appearing without having a lawyer represent you be quiet and LISTEN TO THE JUDGE. Answer the questions the judge asks not the ones you wish the judge would ask
7. If you have concerns about your ex-partner keep documentation. Get a notebook and write down the issue, the date of the incident, how you responded and how your ex-partner responded
8.Attend all meetings, doctor appointments, etc for your child. If you are the parent who currently has primary custody keep your ex-partner informed and invite them to these meetings, appointments ,etc. Document that you have kept the other parent informed
9. Sometimes there are very serious issues with the other parent – maybe your ex-partner sexually abused your child. Maybe you and your child have been the victims of domestic violence. In these instances it is very important to ensure that your child is receiving any and all treatment he or she needs to address the trauma. Be open and honest with your child’s treatment providers, ask them to come to court and testify on your behalf.
10. If a protective order is in place make sure you abide by the protective order at all times. If your ex-partner violates the protective order call the police and keep documentation. Also if there is a protective order in place make sure your child’s school and/or daycare provider is aware of the protective order and it’s requirements.
11. Remember at all times that you and your ex-spouse are the two people who are most connected to your child. That the other parent will always be a part of your child’s life (even an absent parent is a part of your child’s life) and that if you and your ex-partner can work together to put your children first your children will have a much greater chance of rising above the trauma of divorce and reaching their full potential.
Child custody cases are never easy and due to the subject matter they really should not be easy. Your children should be the your number one priority and when you go to court there is always a lot of risk and uncertainty. You have a responsibility to ensure that you do all that you can to protect your children and keep them safe. The best way to do this is to make sure you have a supportive community and to work with their other parent to achieve the best outcome.*
Peace
www.peace4warriors.com
* This article is intended to address most custody cases in situations where you fear for your safety or the safety of your child additional steps must be taken. There are good resources out there for parents in this type of situation and I encourage you to contact your local department of social services or other community program if you believe you are at risk
