For the past half century family courts almost automatically gave custody to the mother. When I was growing up in the seventies and eighties, each of my friends from divorced parents lived with his mom. Several saw their fathers every other weekend, but others saw them only on holidays or for a few weeks in the summer. There was no wonder why fathers seldom fought for custody. Family courts in nearly every case viewed the mother as the superior parent. The classic film “Kramer v. Kramer” clearly reflected that trend. The mother in the film left her husband and son, leaving Dad to be the caretaker of the child. Mrs. Kramer, years later, decided she wanted her child back in her life. The court, in spite of the fact that Dad had been solely responsible for the child’s welfare all that time, awarded custody to the mother.
Two decades after that film, though, fathers are being given a more realistic chance. My divorce was final in 2000, after fighting for over a year for parenting time. While the courts tried to balance our shared parenting schedule, I did manage to gain the right to be the residential parent. My case is not all that unusual these days. In fact, three houses on my corner of our subdivision are maintained by dads who have residential parenting rights. The fact that in all three of our cases the children are daughters emphasizes the court’s realization that fathers can be good parents.
I did gain invaluable experience from that prolonged, stressful custody battle. I encourage all fathers going through a divorce to fight for custody of their children. I offer these tips and wish all of you good luck and a lot of patience.
1. File for Custody. This suggestion may seem like a no-brainer, but some men get so distraught over a divorce that they too quickly agree to terms that limit their parenting times.
2. Keep a journal. Keep a written record of all of your activities and interactions with your children. Be specific about when and where you picked them up from their mother. Try to update your journal daily, but enter logs at least twice each week. Take this step seriously. Keeping a thorough, accurate journal was the single most reason I was designated as residential parent in my divorce decree.
3. Be patient. The divorce proceedings will drag on. There are required mediation sessions, pre trials, hearings, and attorney meetings to endure by the time you finally get a court decision. Adhere to whatever parenting times are allotted to you from the first mediation. Don’t be willing to compromise with your soon-to-be ex just because you want the proceedings to end. You owe it to your children to be patient.
4. Never mention money. Your primary concern is time with your kids. Don’t mention child support or income or anything else related to money to your ex, your lawyer, or to a magistrate.
5. Be professional. Do not belittle your spouse to your lawyer, to her lawyer, to the magistrate, and certainly not to your children. Their bodies and minds are made up of both you and her. Don’t make them feel like her half of them is bad.
6. Attend doctor appointments, school functions, and any other events involving your children. You cannot be at everything, but make the time to go to as much as possible. Then be sure to document these dates in your journal.
7. Keep the new girlfriend out of the courtroom. You probably should stay away from any new romance, if possible, until after the divorce is final. Certainly do not bring any love interests to lawyer meetings, mediations, or hearings. Show the lawyers and the court that you’re strong on your own.
