Are you getting married or are already married and would like to do everything you can to make your marriage successful? To help understand common reasons some marriages are not successful and for tips on having a successful marriage, I have interviewed Psychotherapist Laurel B. Steinberg, LMHC.
Tell me a little bit about yourself.
“I am a Licensed Psychotherapist in private practice in Manhattan’s Union Square where I treat individuals, couples, and families. I earned my graduate degrees at NYU and furthered my training at the Albert Ellis Institute and the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists. I treat patients with anxiety, depression, addictions, professional and personal relationship difficulties, and sexual dysfunctions and concerns. To learn more about my work, please visit my website: www.LaurelSteinberg.com ”
What are common reasons some marriages are not successful?
“There are many reasons marriages fall apart but generally speaking, divorce occurs when there is frequent high conflict or its polar opposite, disinterest and the loss of connection. The main sources of conflicts that cause couples to throw in the towel are money, sex (including infidelity), and issues with in-laws. Of course, there may be other reasons including addictions, physical or psychological abuse , disagreements about child rearing , etc.
According to www.divorcerate.org , 50% of first marriages, 67% of second marriages , and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. One is significantly more likely to get divorced if his/her parents were divorced. This suggests that the tendency to choose divorce as the solution to problems in the marriage and to believe that marriage is not a ‘forever commitment’ may be learned in childhood.”
What are some tips for a successful marriage?
“One tip for a successful marriage is to agree in advance to share a healthy relationship with money. Become as debt free as possible before the marriage (except for student loans ) so you start on a solid footing. Create a realistic family budget that includes saving for your future (baby, house, retirement, travel, etc.). Include a bit of ‘extra’ money to spend on special treats. Compare goals to actual performance on a monthly basis. Learn to love the idea of living within your means by not buying things you cannot afford, knowing that you are preparing for your future together. Accruing debt leads couples to feel financially strapped and stressed and can be a major source of conflict. Also, stress never led to magic between the sheets.
Speaking of magic between the sheets ‘” making time for your sex life is part of nurturing your relationship. While ‘planning to be spontaneous’ is an oxymoron of sorts, we’re sometimes spread so thin that if we don’t plan it, it doesn’t happen. Not happening? Get planning! An active and satisfying sex life brings you closer, reinforcing that special connection that keeps love and interest alive.
Another tip is to unconditionally accept (and hopefully respect) your spouse’s family. You may not always appreciate their words or behavior, but if they are important or beloved to your spouse then make them important and beloved to you. Speaking critically, or encouraging your spouse to choose you over them creates a divide between you and leaves him/her feeling guilty and sad. Even if you succeed in pulling him/her away, it will be a hollow victory, ending in resentment that can cause lasting damage to your relationship.
Lastly, I encourage couples to make every effort to begin each day with a clean slate without holding grudges about what was said or done in days past. Everyone makes mistakes; lovingly provide your spouse with the space in which to do better! You’ll be glad you did!”
What type of professional help is available for a couple that is having a difficult time in keeping their marriage successful?
Couples therapy can be very helpful for those struggling to keep their marriages afloat. In session, couples learn techniques to communicate effectively so when they are discussing tough issues they both come away winners. Couples learn how to more lovingly relate to one another and to design, try out, and enjoy their enhanced relationships. Couples therapy that does not involve homework to apply new skills is like learning to swim by watching an instructional video. You just can’t improve your skills without getting your feet wet!”
Thank you, Laurel, for taking part in this interview on tips for a successful marriage.
Resources: Divorce Rate.com
Recommended Readings:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5644514/increasing_your_sexual_activity_in.html?cat=5″>Increasing Your Sexual Activity in Marriage
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/119410/how_to_put_the_sizzle_back_in_your.html?cat=74″>How to Put the Sizzle Back in Your Marriage
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2859838/how_to_deal_with_an_annoying_husband.html?cat=72″>How to Deal with Annoying Husband
