If you are a single stay at home parent then you probably know what it is like to loose identity, to feel trapped, to feel isolated and alone. Because parenting requires so much devotion, parents who do the job alone began to loose themselves.
I have a friend who went from an outgoing socialite to an insecure recluse, when she decided to stay at home with her child. Every moment and minute of her time was spent catering to and entertaining her child. She had family around but never asked for help because she felt as though she should take full responsibility of caring for her child. Her child’s father was only allowed to visit once a month, so she really was doing this parenting job alone. She said that being with her child was ideal because she did not want to throw her child into daycare and have someone else raise her own child and she did not have the available funds for childcare. She said it made her happy to be a stay at home mom, but I knew deep down inside she wanted out, not necessarily out, she jut wanted a break but she was scared.
She was scared to separate from her daughter because she did not want to hear all the crying and screaming, and she did not want to feel the guilt of going out and enjoying herself while her child was with a sitter without mommy. She admitted to being scared that if she left her child on a regular basis that their bond would break, and she would no longer feel important in her child’s life, because her child would have bonded with the caretaker. She said as though she had this strong feeling of having and needing to be there all the time for her daughter. She said that she wanted to always be there for her daughter because it was her responsibility her duty. She also admitted that her mother was available to take her daughter off of her hands but she refused help because she did not want her child to favor her grandmother over her.
Listening to her I heard a devoted, loving, sweet mother but I also heard an insecure, suffocating, prideful mother. This type of lifestyle can be found in so many stay at home parents, and it can be an unhealthy lifestyle for both child and parent. It can be an unhealthy lifestyle for the parent because the parent has no real adult interaction, and no alone time, no breathing room, no real change of atmosphere, continuing on like this could lead to depression or a complete mental break down. The child on the other hand will only learn how to depend on one person for his needs, it is great for the child to have his parent their to take care of his essential needs, but it is also important for a child to know how to depend on others, because this is how he learns how to trust others, it is how he can learn to build other relationships, and interact with other adults, it is how he understands that others love him too. If the single parent allows the child to stay with relatives/friends for a while, he’ll have a broader world, he’ll know more people, and learn new things, his communication skills will sharpen. If the parent insists on being the only one to care for the child, he will feel emotionally suffocated, and may even cling on to the first new person he meets for lack of change.
It is natural to feel jealous to see your child bonding with someone else but it is healthy for a child to bond with others than the parent. As long as the parent- child bond is already secure, the child will know and value the parent’s place in his life and will seek no other to replace his mommy or daddy. Children love to play favorites with other people, so be prepared; it’s a phase and will pass. Parents must learn to let go and let their child love other relatives/ friends, bond with them, and build relationships this is very healthy. If you feel jealous of the your child bonding you may want to do something alone with your child,, spend some time alone with your child.
The mother I mentioned earlier neglected her own self because she did not want to loose a bond with her daughter, in doing so she no longer dressed up, went shopping for herself, went to the hair salon, or wore make-up, and she never went out unless it was to the park or some kiddie place. As days would go on she’d look tired, she would barely get any sleep between playing, cleaning, and freelancing, so in effect she became irritable, and stressed, and her daughter felt this. She would then eat herself up every time she over reacted to her child in a situation. This stress and irritability is the result of no space, no personal time, and this stress and irritability will be felt by the child, and the child will feel non-important or in the way. If the mother did get out, she’d be happier, and less stressed, and so would her child.
If you are in a similar situation it is best to let go, let your child grow, and meet and bond with others, it’s okay you child has only one mommy, and daddy who are both irreplaceable. You could let your child visit a trustworthy relative for 30 minutes twice a week to start off with, and as your child gets used to it, you can increase the time. You could also enroll your child in a little daycare for once a week. Your child may scream and holler if you leave but you must assure him that you will return, fight the urge to turn back because if you turn back your child will expect you to do so every time and will not learn how to separate for you. However, if you do not feel as though your child will be safe then turn back around. In some cases a child will learn how to separate from you by himself, if he has been home with you for quite sometime like 2 years, by this time he might understand that you will be there for him, and will make the departure easier. While your child is a way, use this time to treat yourself, to pamper yourself.
