If you’re a professional wrestler, your theme songs is one of the most important parts of your gimmick, right up there with tight color and your fake ability to feel fake pain. Hell, WWE puts out dozens of CDs of wrestler entrance themes, and fans buy them up–hearing the first chords announcing a wrestler’s entrance is one of the coolest parts of the sport (or theater, depending on your level of suspension of disbelief). Not all wrestling theme songs are cut from the same cloth, however. Here’s five of the worst entrance themes in the WWE professional wrestling franchise, past and present.
1. Big Show – It’s The Big Show – If there was ever a theme song that screamed, “a cover band at a Memphis dive bar was paid an entire twelve dollars to write and record this,” the Big Show’s theme is it. With such rousing lyrics as “yeah, it’s the Big Show / It’s the big, bad show, now” and a drooping blues riff as tired as the seven foot tall wrestler himself, the Big Show’s theme is the perfect way to announce that it’s time for everyone in the wrestling arena to go grab another beer.
2. Undertaker – Bad Ass Theme – At one point, the Undertaker decided to adopt a “bad-ass” gimmick, one of the worst decisions in the history of pro wrestling, and to match his horrendous new persona he got a horrendous new theme song. “You’ve done it now / You’ve gone and made a big mistake,” the singer sings. When even the singer of your theme song realizes that your new gimmick sucks, it’s time to put your old costume back on and start throwing people into caskets again.
3. Eddie Guerrero – Gangsta Lean – I love Eddie Guerrero as much as the next wrestling fan, but his “Gangsta Lean” theme song managed to make me feel insulted, and I’m not even a latino. He’d come to the ring in a low rider while a rapper kept stressing words ending with “eeeeeeeeen” and oh my god Jesus I’m listening to the song while I’m writing this and it’s time to stop.
4. Randy Orton – Voices – Besides the bad poetry (“I hear voices in my head, the talk to me, they understand, they talk to me”), every time Randy Orton walks to the ring I feel like someone in my house needs to have their ass kicked. Which may be the point, but if you’re going to have a crappy alternative rock song as your entrance theme, at least let me kill you first.
5. Hulk Hogan – Real American – Hulk Hogan’s theme song is a sentimental favorite for many old-time (read: too old) fans of professional wrestling, but that doesn’t mean that the Rick Derringer tune doesn’t suck hind tit. If you hurt my friends, you hurt my pride / I’ve got to be a man, I can’t let it slide,” sings Rick, and in the music video he even got the Hulkster himself to mock-play an American flag guitar way too small for his body while pictures of the Vietnam memorial and, for some reason, a video of a dude riding a bike into a brick wall, scrolled by like one of those videos you can make yourself at Six Flags. At what level does a patriotic song inspire terrorism? You’ve been warned.
What are your least favorite WWE entrance theme songs? Post in the comments section below.
