Many adults did not have the perfect childhood. Abandoned feelings accumulated during childhood often accompany individuals into their adult years. Coping with the absence of a parent has detrimental and lasting effects on an adult child.
Parents become absent in the lives of children for many reasons, some of which are too complicated for an individual to understand as a child. Other reasons might never make sense, and that is acceptable.
Abandonment and rejection issues can affect school, work, relationships, and even sleep patterns. Adults sometimes have a difficult time pinpointing childhood rejection or abandonment issues as the culprit for their adult stresses as the adults have been coping with feelings of loss for most of their lives.
However, rejection and abandonment issues surface at times of significant flux and change during life and should always be recognized and confronted-not ignored.
Seek counseling. A counselor can help anyone put issues into perspective. It can be quite overwhelming for a person to realize that his or her daily life and current relationships are affected by something that happened a long time ago, or a lack of relationship with a parent. However, these issues can certainly be worked through-even issues concerning abuse-with professional help.
Many employers now offer EAP (Employee Assistance Program) to their employees. Through this program, employees can schedule free or discounted counseling. Good employers recognize that they will lose employee work time and productivity unless these benefits are offered, so if they are available, take advantage of them.
Use retrospect. Look back in life and try to see the situation from the absent parent’s perspective. As an adult, realize what the situation must have been like and analyze what just and unjust decisions were made by the absent parent.
- Was the choice to leave ultimately best for the family?
- Why did the absent parent leave? Consider the actual reason versus what the absent parent might have felt.
Inform your partner. If in a relationship, it is best to inform your partner about your issues and feelings. A partner will provide support and can be a great help in listening. This will also help your partner understand some otherwise peculiar fears or behaviors and will make for a smoother relationship.
Use forgiveness. When possible, forgive. In many situations, it is not always possible to completely forgive the absent parent. It is, however, important that the adult child learns to forgive him or her self. In almost all cases, the child did nothing to cause the parent to leave, yet still feels some blame. Many people carry this through most of their adult lives, and it is unnecessary emotional baggage.
Use logic, spirituality, therapy, and personal fulfillment as tools of forgiveness.
Break the cycle. Don’t make the same mistake as the absent parent. If this happens, the adult child will fully realize the ultimate fear: that he or she has mad the same ‘mistake’ or error as the abandoning parent. If an abandonment has already occurred, there may be a chance to repair it. Do this with caution and counseling.
Recovering from childhood abandonment and feelings of rejection as an adult is very difficult. The adult child must reach for feelings or reactions that may seem immature or foolish, but with assistance, an overall improvement will be noticeable.
Deciding whether to reconnect with the absent parent is always a difficult decision and best done with the help of a counselor. Some adult children feel more comfortable writing to a parent with forgiveness or blame. Others prefer a face to face meeting. Some feel that it is healthiest to remain distant.
Work with a counselor to determine what is best and never do anything to make yourself feel physically or emotionally unsafe or uncomfortable.
