A.Hermit in her article entitled, “Serious Questions for Adult Victims of Physical Abuse – I Do Not Understand Spousal Abuse, published on Dec 8, 2007 (read here) asked 10 questions that she addresses to victims of spousal abuse.I would like to suggest to the author that they go and do much further reading and research until they feel they know at least half a dozen or more possible answers to each of the questions raised. I believe an education on such a vital topic is important.
It is simplistic to think that there may only be one answer to each of these questions. But nonetheless I will, in order to implore the author to read further have a go a providing some simple and common answers;
How long does it take to realize you are being abused?
This can take a life time. Some people may never realize they are being abused. And the realization can dawn slowly and in stages.
After the first slap, how do you stay?
The abuser is very good at making the victim feel they deserved it and that if they acted differently it would not have happened. They almost inevitably apologise and feel remorseful afterwards and make promises that it will not happen again. Also – there are more forms of abuse than physical. Emotional abuse can be at least as devastating. I guess physical abuse is less subtle and more easily recognised.
When the abuse is physical, how do you justify staying in a relationship?
See above.
Why is not the physical abuse at least mutual… i.e. Why don’t you fight back?
Farrah set the bed alight when he was asleep. She waited till he couldn’t fight back. Women who fight back often do so in this way. They don’t fight back cos they fear escalating the situation into something far more dangerous. Some women do fight back but withdraw at the point they feel the danger level may become too intense. After all it is the motive of the abuser to control and overpower you so if you raise the bar so too will they.
It is akin to a game of ‘cat and mouse’ where you instinctively recognise the warning signs and know you are going to be got.
What was, or will be the final straw? (What made, or will make you leave?) This would vary case to case. There would be many factors that can influence this. Violence levels escalate immediately after separation and this is actually the most dangerous time – the time when most domestic murders occur. Finding safety can be very difficult. And besides – why should the woman have to leave the family home – particularly if there are children.
Is leaving really that difficult?
See above.
Add a few more ingredients such as guilt, blame, low self esteem etc. Also the abuser loves him and has often convinced her that no other man will ever love her as he does. Spousal abusers are very dependent sorts – they are emotionally dependant. They may threaten suicide if she leaves. They often have emotional needs similar to little children and need mothering.
Answering this question more fully could take at least a book of around 100k words. I suggest to the author that she get reading. .
If there are children involved, how do you allow them to watch abuse, or to be abused?
Assuming the victim is aware of abuse there are many compounding reasons for putting up with things, not the least of which is that the perpetrator is often remorseful after an attack and regularly promises it will never happen again. There is a cycle often common; period of calm – which can last months, a build up phase, the explosion/s followed by a honeymoon period where the abuser wins back his victim.
I hope I’m getting the message across that things are not that simple.
Victims of abuse are often ‘brainwashed’ by their abusers.
If you are out of the abusive relationship, do you think you may find yourself in another?
I would say that no-one would wish this. Getting into another relationship before a long period of healing would be hazardous I’d say. There are warning signs that can be indicators of the possibility of future abuse. Keep posted – I’ll write an article one day soon.
What will you do to prevent ending up in another abusive relationship?
See above.
Why is your abuser still living?
Do you have a deep and thus far hidden inclination to be a serial killer? Would you like to set a few beds alight? We’ll send you a few addresses.We’ll also write to you in prison and campaign for your release and ask that you be spared the death penalty.
