Children don’t hear the same way adults do. Case in point: I asked my three-year-old daughter to get me a clothespin. She came back and proudly handed me a ‘closed pen’. When I told her that’s not what I wanted, she burst into tears and said, “But Mommy! It’s closed, see?”
That incident made me stop and think how many other times have I said something to my children, only to have them misinterpret me? How many times did I get upset with them for not following instructions? How many struggles could have been avoided had I just communicated with them on their level?
Communicating with children is a delicate balancing act. On one hand, children deserve the same time and respect as adults when being spoken to, but on the other hand, they don’t understand as adults. Finding that balance can be mind-boggling, especially to the harried, frustrated parent.
So what’s a frazzled parent to do?
1. Get to their eye level. When a parent squats down to their child’s eye level, they become less of a threat to that child. Think about how body language plays into the situation. If a parent is standing over the child, the child is threatened. Fight or flight comes into effect. So stoop down and maintain eye level with the child. When dealing with my five-year-old son, I generally kneel in front of him. With my three-year-old, I lift her into my lap, and then I talk to her.
2. Speak slowly. Enunciate. Children listen at a different pace than adults do. They can’t process a whole stream of instructions given at a rapid pace. Take a deep breath and slow down.
3. Speak deliberately in an even tone. This goes along with speaking slowly. Don’t yell, but don’t whisper either. If a parent speaks in a firm, even tone, that communicates to the child that Mom means business. The tone is just as important as the words. Keep sarcasm out of the voice because kids don’t understand it. It comes across as belittling. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Kids are that simple.
4. Use words they understand. This will vary upon the child. My son can understand “Go apologize to your sister,” but his sister doesn’t know what ‘apologize’ means. Use vocabulary to match the child’s.
5. Keep the instructions simple. Don’t over-explain, but don’t be condescending either. One mistake parents make (I know from experience) is saying “Because I said so.” Children need to know why. It’s okay to say “You need to pick up your toys so they don’t get broken.” Use reasons that make sense to them, that benefit them. Children don’t have the capacity to empathize with the reason “because someone could get hurt stepping on your toys.”
6. Have the child repeat the instructions. If the child can repeat it back to the parent, then the parent knows for certain they have been understood. This will eliminate confusion in the future. If the child can’t repeat the directions, then try a different approach to explaining. Ask questions with genuine curiosity, avoiding sarcasm again. “What part of that didn’t you understand?” means completely different things when tone is involved.
These tips have helped make my household a harmonious one. It’s never perfect, and it’s difficult even for me to remember the steps I’ve described. But as with all things, practice is key to mastering a new skill.
