Chronic depression hurts. It literally steals your life from you. According to depressionstatistics.org there are over 15 million in the U.S. alone that suffer from depression. And the prediction is that by 2020 depression will be the most common health problem in the world.
I am one of those millions. My experience with depression, anxiety, fear and obsessive thought patterns started at a young age. I share my story hoping that somebody will read this and realize by the end that hope and healing are available!
My unscientifically belief is that depression is caused by a combination of heredity, chemical imbalance, and Satan (coming from my religious beliefs). Below are examples of how chronic depression has affected my life.
The Formative Years
My depression started in my formative years, though I didn’t yet know what to call it. My earliest memory of feeling sad and like a failure was when I was being toilet trained. I can remember a lot of yelling and threatening voices telling me what to do and how to do it. I felt extreme pressure to “perform” or else. Into my thirties I was unable to empty my bladder at any public restroom. I still felt “pressure” to perform. I overcame this fear by repeating a mantra I wrote and it worked! I sometimes still have to do this today to prompt urination.
An Opinion
Chronic depression has stolen the majority of my life. Many people say just “snap out” of it. The reality is I can’t or I would. It isn’t that simple. People can’t understand this, but my higher power, God does, and he can help us, if we let him.
During grade school I was extremely sad because I was a “redhead,” “overweight” and wore “coke bottle glasses.” I felt no one liked me so I buried myself in books or the bed. I had no social life, very few close friends, a big fear of rejection and depression that would grow.
By the time I was in high school I knew what was wrong with me. I was depressed. My mind was in bondage, and obsessive negative thoughts took over. I dealt with my “illness” by reading or sleeping. It wasn’t long until my father took me to a therapist and I started taking antidepressants and still do to this day. They have helped me cope through the years.
During my early teens I was fondled by an older male neighbor, and molested by an older close friend of our family. These two experiences fueled my depression and caused me to not trust men. Still, I married an alcoholic at twenty-three in 1984 and began an emotionally damaging roller-coaster ride that lasted until I was divorced in 1992. I married to “feel” normal, yet I felt alone and hopeless. I cried constantly and even considered suicide. I simply couldn’t cope with his addictions and my depression. It was way too much for me. I’ve never remarried and have no children.
In 2009 I was “officially” diagnosed with Young Onset Parkinson’s disease, (YOPD). My PD symptoms started in 2005. Depression and worry increased.
Though I know antidepressants, journaling, psychiatrists, exercising, sleep, and reading are ways to cope with depression, they cannot cure it, but God can!
I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart at the age of twelve, and in the past have been prayed over many times for healing from depression. I’ve always known God could and would heal me on his timetable. God did not create us to live in fear, but wants us to have a clear and healthy mind. It has been many years since I asked God for healing, but after being so tired of being sick, it was time to ask God for healing again this past Sunday in church. I am older and wiser and know that I have to accept God’s healing. I was prayed for and I’m claiming God’s healing! I will no longer allow Satan to take over my mind. God has provided the healing, and now it is up to me to let it go and let God handle it!
