I have had obsessive-compulsive behavior sense my late teens. Usually people with OCD have compulsions that result from their feelings or obsessions. For instance, if one is obsessed with cleanliness, they may wash their hands many times a day in order to get some relief from their feelings of obsessions. In my case, I have excessive obsessive thoughts in male/female relationships that cause me great anxiety. I would like to explain how and why my obsessiveness still affects my life today and what I’ve tried to break this destructive behavior.
What makes me have obsessive thoughts?
Ninety eight percent of the time I have obsessive thoughts only when I am in a female/male relationship. Because I learned this about myself in my late teens and early 20s, I have always been hesitant to enter into a relationship with a man. My experience with horrible obsessive thoughts began when I started dating someone, who five years later would be my husband. This was in my senior year of high school in 1980. I had never dated anyone prior to my senior year because I was always shy and self conscious about my appearance. Needless to say, I had no self-esteem and I didn’t like myself very much. I felt unworthy of love from anyone. I had trouble trusting what he told me. He was an alcoholic and compulsive gambler and his addictions fed my obsessions and made both of us miserable. Our relationship kicked off my obsessive thought patterns that I still deal with daily. I believe that I did not learn self-acceptance/esteem, or feel secure in my formative years, therefore causing me to be inefficient in my relationships with the opposite sex. There were periods in my childhood where there was no emotional support available and that made me feel like I didn’t deserve any attention. I also think OCD is inherited to a certain degree.
My obsessive thoughts cause me a great deal of hurt feelings and pain. In a relationship, I walk on egg shells all the time. I perceive that I’m always at fault if he doesn’t call or doesn’t follow through with a promise. Any hint of my partner pulling away or becoming distant and I panic. I have the same thoughts over and over in my head such as “Why hasn’t he called?” “What did I do wrong?” “I’m not pretty enough or loveable.” “It’s over; I’ll never see him again.” These self destructive consistent thoughts drive me to a state of panic and distress. I then want to act on my obsessiveness by feeling compelled to initiate some form of contact with the person by calling, emailing, etc…until I can apologize for what “I” did wrong, even though I have no idea what I’ve done. I feel compelled to “fix” the relationship or I won’t be able to survive. I have a tremendous fear of rejection and being abandoned. If I am rejected or abandoned in a relationship, it reinforces my feelings of worthlessness, and I become even more distrustful, angry, bitter and disappointed with myself because I feel “I caused it!”
How do I deal with my OCD?
Unfortunately, my marriage ended after only seven years and being so depressed and feeling so tired from anxiety caused by my obsessive thoughts, I avoided becoming involved in another relationship for many years. My OCD basically has held me back from finding and engaging in a healthy relationship all of my life. I’ve missed out on having a loving husband and a family. Of course, I blame myself for allowing this disorder to control me as it has. Along with OCD, I also suffer from codependency, which I believe is typical in most cases. In addition to just avoiding any close relationships, I do take an antidepressant to try to control my anxiety from obsessing. I also constantly read self-help books on OCD and codependency and try to change my thought patterns using methods in the books. Sometimes I have been successful at controlling my OCD for extended periods, but there are always triggers that send me right back to the same destructive stinky thinking. I also have a higher power “God” whom I talk to and pray to daily for healing.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder is difficult to overcome on your own, but it can be controlled with a lot of self study, God, and great determination. I’m not sure if it every goes away completely. It just hides itself occasionally and temporarily at times only to return with a vengeance. It makes living happily very hard.
