Two decades ago, Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders recommended that parents talk to children about masturbation and ultimately had to resign because of this. Our society tends to be uncomfortable with sex and especially with masturbation, but Dr. Elders was right. Children do need to understand masturbation and the best place for them to learn is from their parents. Renowned sex and parenting expert Dr. Jennifer Berman has argued that, the more information children have, the more likely they will be to make healthy sexual decisions. In most situations, parents are better equipped to provide information than any other person. Here’s how to talk to your child about masturbation:
Start Early
If you wait till your child is eleven or twelve to talk about masturbation, odds are good she’s already discovered masturbation on her own, and the conversation is going to be a lot more uncomfortable. Younger kids have less of a sense of shame, which means they’ll generally be more receptive to talking to their parents about bodies and their functions. Consider talking to your child in an age appropriate way from a young age, providing progressively more information as your child is equipped to handle it.
Talk About Anatomy All kids need to understand basic anatomy, and there’s an added benefit to talking to kids about anatomy. If you address basic anatomical functions, the conversation is less likely to be uncomfortable because it won’t feel as personal. Use proper words and explain that for girls, sometimes rubbing the clitoris feels good and for boys, sometimes rubbing the penis feels good. Speaking in terms of, “some people like this” rather than, “Are you doing this?” or, “You might like this” can make the conversation much less uncomfortable, particularly for older kids.
Don’t Instill Shame Almost all kids masturbate, and some kids start masturbating in the preschool years. There’s nothing wrong with masturbation and a healthy attitude about sex can actually prevent your child from having sex too young. Moreover, when kids learn via masturbation that sex is supposed to feel good and pleasant, they’re less likely to engage in sexual practices that make them feel bad or make them targets for predators. Explain to your child that masturbation is normal, won’t harm him, and that most people do it from time to time.
Try a Book The overwhelming consensus among experts is that it’s best for parents to talk to their children directly about sex. However, if the parent is extremely uncomfortable, provides inaccurate information, or instills shame, the net effect can be harmful. If you’re not sure you’ll be able to talk to your kid in an open and honest way about masturbation, consider using a book instead. You can leave the book in your child’s room and allow your child to learn on her own. Books can also provide a great catalyst for conversation. With very young children, consider reading the book together and then talking about it.
Some parents find themselves in the position of needing to talk to their child about masturbation after accidentally catching their child masturbating. This situation can pose some unique concerns, so if you’ve caught your child masturbating, here is a guide for how to deal with the fallout.
