My friend’s four-year-old is currently battling a brain tumor, and I’ve found it enlightening (and emotionally challenging) to read about his brave struggle with cancer. Recently, she posted on her blog that two children who saw her chemo-weakened son in the store began talking about “that boy” and how strange and sick he looks. Of course, she was hurt that these children would speak so viciously and ignorantly about her precious son, and she was grateful that he did not hear their insults.
I began thinking to myself… What if that were my child? Most children speak cruelly of other children because they are afraid or simply don’t understand. I realized that I owe my child– and any cancer-ridden children she may encounter– an explanation about what cancer is. If you want to talk to your young child about cancer, these guidelines might help.
1. Tell him it’s not contagious. Children have a natural instinct to avoid anyone who looks sick. As cruel as this seems, it’s a very natural and understandable instinct. Consciously or subconsciuosly, a child may be afraid of a kid with cancer because he thinks he may also “catch” the disease. Explain to your child that there is absolutely no way that he can catch cancer by playing with, hugging, or sharing toys with a kid who has cancer. With this understanding, he is less likely to be afraid or unfriendly toward anyone with cancer.
2. Explain why she looks different. It would be rude to speak openly about a cancer patient’s appearance in front of her, but your child is more likely to be judgmental of an unusual appearance if he doesn’t understand the reason for it. If you noticed your child staring at a chemo-patient in public, bring it up later in conversation. Say, “And you’ve probably never seen a kid who didn’t have hair. She looks like that because her cancer has made her hair fall out and she probably feels very sick. She didn’t choose to look like that.”
3. Explain that it’s not anyone’s fault. A child may be judgmental of a peer with cancer, because he may honestly believe that the sick child is responsible for his own illness. Even if your child knows that a patient with cancer did not choose to have the disease, your child may think that the peer somehow deserves it. It’s convenient to believe that bad things don’t happen to good people. Let your child know that no one deserves cancer, and that most people who get it have done nothing dangerous to make it happen.
4. Make fear constructive. If your child is afraid that he may end up like the cancer patient who he fears, turn this into something positive. You and your child can donate to a local cancer treatment facility, a charitable children’s hospital such as Saint Jude, or a research organization. Use this as a time to remind your child about the dangers of secondhand smoke and the importance of a healthy diet. While it is important to reassure your child that he will probably not have cancer, it is best to re-route his natural fear into something constructive.
