Parenting is fraught with uncomfortable moments: how to handle kids playing doctor when they seem a bit too old, managing sex talks, and loud proclamations about body parts and their functions in the grocery store. To be a parent is to be embarrassed. But even the best of parents struggle with how to deal when they walk in on their child masturbating.
First things first: take a deep breath. Your child is not a sexual deviant. From the moment kids discover their hands, they’re interested in their bodies. Part of this learning process is learning what feels good, and many parents are shocked to discover that even very young children are sexual beings. What’s normal and how to handle it varies greatly from age to age, but the overriding principle should be not to panic!
0-2 Years
At this age, it doesn’t even really make sense to call masturbation masturbation, because there’s nothing sexual about it. Very young children are interested in learning about the world aroud them, and this includes their own bodies. Bodies are interesting: they do amazing things, make weird noises, and have all kinds of parts kids want to explore. It’s why kids pick their noses, suck their toes, and engage in all sorts of things we grown ups find a bit weird.
For kids this age, touching their genitals is no different. They’re merely figuring out where things are and how they work. Kids are notorious for sticking their hands in their diapers or reaching for their genitals during a diaper change and you don’t need to do anything about this behavior, either. Kids this age are far too young to understand concepts of privacy, and other adults know that kids this age tend to want to explore their own bodies. Ignore it, don’t punish it, and remind yourself that this is a normal part of development and learning about bodies.
3-5 Years The preschool years, not coincidentally, are the ages at which many of Freud’s stages of sexual development took place. While much of Freud’s work has been discredited, there’s probably a reason he wrote so much about sexual development at this age: preschoolers are shockingly sexual. And because they’re so young, they’re surprisingly open about it.
You very well might find your child, well…um….humping things. It feels good and a child who has a healthy body image has learned that if something feels good, they should do it. So this is the positive side. Catching your child humping the sofa or putting her hands down her pants is a good indication that you’ve thus far raised a child with a healthy view of her own body and who believes that her body is hers to do with as she pleases.
Avoid instilling shame in your child. It can be uncomfortable to think of your child as a sexual being, but your child is really too young to put a sexual meaning into masturbation. The sense that it’s sexual at this age is simply projection, so keep this in mind. Whatever you do, do not punish your child or tell her what she is doing is wrong. Instead, treat masturbation the same way you would using the bathroom: it’s a private activity that isn’t appropriate to do around company or when out and about. Try telling your child, “Some things are private. I’m glad you’re comfortable with your body, but it’s important to have good manners and do that in private in your room or the bathroom.” Your child may forget this occasionally and masturbate in front of tv or guests. Ideally you should ignore this behavior and remind your child later that masturbation is for in private. If you’re in public, though, and need the behavior to stop, distract your child by telling her you need her to carry something, asking her a question, or otherwise getting her to do something that will render masturbation impossible.
6-8 Years Masturbation at this age is very similar to masturbation in the preschool years: it’s an indication of healthy body image, and it feels good, so kids do it. Your child is beginning to develop a sense of privacy and is more likely to engage in masturbation in the privacy of her own room or bathroom. Respect this privacy and be sure to knock if you see the door closed to avoid an embarrassing moment for both of you. If, however, your child is still masturbating in public, remind her again that this activity is private and needs to be done behind closed doors. You can at this age say things like, “Remember? That needs to be done in your room.”
At this age, your child should know the basics of sex and reproduction and is better equipped to understand much about the world, so it’s a good idea to begin having more involved conversations about masturbation. As a part of your child’s sex education, you can explain that masturbation is a good alternative to having sex as a teenager and a great way to get to know her body. Don’t worry. You don’t have to give her a masturbation tutorial. That’s too weird for anyone to survive, and your child will figure it out on his own anyway. But reassuring him that most people masturbate and that it’s normal and healthy will have three benefits: it will help your child feel comfortable with and take pride in his body, it will encourage healthy emotional development, and it may help your child avoid sexual activity as a teenager.
Preteens and Teens Many children don’t begin masturbating till the beginning of puberty. But if your child hasn’t masturbated yet, she almost certainly will at this age. As above, respect her privacy and knock before walking into her room or bathroom. Talk to her about masturbation, explain that masturbation can be an alternative to sex, and encourage her to take pride in her body.
You may, however, despite your best intentions have the horrifying moment of walking in on your child masturbating. He’s not going to need 30 years of therapy unless you run out screaming, burn the sheets, or otherwise act like an insane person. Instead, behave the same way you would if you accidentally walked in on your child in the bathroom. Quickly close the door and apologize later for invading his privacy. Your child is likely going to be uncomfortable and embarrassed, so if you feel comfortable, you can talk with him about this, explain that masturbation is normal, and encourage him not to be uncomfortable. This conversation really isn’t necessary, though, and the best thing you can do if you don’t want to talk about it is work not to make your child uncomfortable so that he is reassured that nothing has changed.
It is worth noting that, with the cornucopia of pornography on the Internet, your child may use porn while masturbating. You may see pornography in your Internet search history or find it under the bed. This is something that needs to be discussed with children, given the shocking range of pornography now available. Clarify your values and house rules about pornography and be sure to carefully explain your thoughts on the matter.
