When one is pregnant “they” say it is not a good idea to chemically process your hair. So I abstained from my usual routine (dark ash blonde with highlights) and went ‘au naturale’. The problem, of course, is that au naturale is not attractive at all and when one is also gaining weight at an alarming rate, frumpy hair doesn’t do a whole lot for faltering self-esteem. Nevertheless, I sucked it up for the sake of my fetus.
Fast-forward to a couple of months post-birth. I’m a good 40lbs overweight, with what can only be described as Tonya Harding hair. I needed professional help. I probably should splice this article into two subjects and digress into the litany of reasons why one should not make appearance-altering decisions with post-partum hormones swirling around, but suffice it to say, I wasn’t in a position to argue when the gal (at the very expensive and exclusive hair salon) decided that I would look much better as a dark brunette.
You know, with the professional color, cut and blow-dry, I probably did look awesome…for a day. The day after that, I started plotting how to migrate back to blonde.
Tip 1: Don’t do anything rash. My fatal flaw is impatience, which really gets me in a lot of trouble. Take a deep breath and just ponder for a few days. If that’s not possible, at least a few hours.
Tip 2: If you have the means, go to a professional. I had to say that, because you’ll probably get the best result, for a price. I never opt for the easy route, though. I’m cheap and I like a project. I know that in even the worst-case scenario, my hair will grow back eventually.
Step 1: Purchase a box of Revlon ‘Color Remover’. Its usually on the very top shelf or very bottom shelf of the hair color aisle. You can recognize the product by the hilarious early 70’s packaging that pictures what can only be called an homage to Charlie’s Angels. Don’t let the antique cover dissuade you – its a brilliant product.
Step 2: Select the hair color of your dreams from the panoply of (permanent) dye colors. It is important to note (if you are new to the various choices) warm tones have a lot of red in them, and if you are prone to ‘brassy’ (e.g. Tonya Harding) tones, you may want to select a more ‘ash’ color. Generally (if you don’t know ‘ash’ by sight) the color names will usually have the word in the description (e.g. “light ash blonde” or “light ash brown”). “Ash” = “more silver/purple” which tones down orange. Try not to stray too far from your natural color – the bigger the departure, the weirder the look.
Step 3: Block out at least 3 hours from your schedule and make sure you’re fairly unshowered because 1) the color remover works best on unshampooed hair, and 2) you’re going to be in the shower at least twice in the next 3 hours. Open a big bottle of wine. Any color. Put on a shirt/robe that doesn’t have to go over your head to come off.
Step 4: Follow the directions on the color remover. It isn’t hard at all, but just make sure you completely saturate your hair and that you leave it on for the longest duration. DO NOT be scared when you look in the mirror and see white, yellow or peach colored hair reflected back at you…that IS the point, you are getting rid of the ugly dark and getting your hair prepped for a new color. Once its developed, wash it out, don’t condition, blow dry (don’t freak out over the texture, that’s fixable too).
Step 5: Follow the directions on your new hair color and completely saturate your fluffy, yellow hair.
Step 6: While rinsing out the hair color, make sure that once you have all the color out, squeeze the water out of your hair as much as you can manually, then just choke it with handfulls of conditioner. If you have the time, get out of the shower and put a plastic cap (grocery bag) on your head to let the conditioner soak in and ‘heal’ (to the extent possible) your hair.
Step 7: Get back into the shower and wash out the conditioner.
You should be very close to the photo on the box of your intended color, with no hint of the horrible brown dye remaining. Congratulations and welcome back to blonde (the “more fun” team).
