A parent who is controlling their child’s actions and is constantly concerned with what their child is always doing could be considered a codependent parent. Codependent parents may view themselves as being caring and helpful. However their codependent behavior is damaging the overall well being of their child. To help understand what are some signs of a codependent parent and how someone can stop being a codependent parent, I have interviewed therapist Nicolle Zapien LMFT.
Tell me a little bit about yourself.
I am a licensed MFT (marriage and family therapist) in private practice in San Francisco, California. I also have a coaching and consulting business called, Consonance Consulting that helps executives and families with the issues that come up when trying to balance excellence at work and family life. I am married and have two children.”
What are some signs of a codependent parent?
“Codependence is a complex pattern of excessive selflessness and preoccupation with another person that does not serve both people optimally. According to Wikipedia, “Codependency (or codependence, co-narcissism or inverted narcissism) is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one’s needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.”
It is a term that was coined initially in relation to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) as a way to describe the fabric of social relationships that keep the disease of alcoholism (or any other addiction) ongoing. Codependence is a well-meaning attempt to be kind but really tends to stem from difficulties with anger, boundaries and strong self-structure.”
What type of impact can a codependent parent have on the parent child relationship?
“The impact of codependency on a child can be great. He or she may have difficulty with boundaries (addressing others’ needs more readily than considering one’s own), may end up as easy prey for people to manipulate, may more easily fall victim to self-harm, rape, date rape or abuse. There is some research to indicate that codependency is related to lack of assertiveness and as a result many codependents end up unhappy because they are less likely to ask for what they need or many changes to get what they want. But it is difficult to say how it will impact anyone in particular, because there are many variables that go into defining us, protecting us and prodding us toward particular emotional, cognitive or behavioral experiences. Codependency is never a positive experience, however, and is not to be misunderstood as altruism or caring. It does not allow the codependent to have full access to his self or feelings and instead is more like a parasitic relationship.”
How can someone stop being a codependent parent?
“Usually therapy is helpful. Often we find that codependency comes from personality disorders, trauma and addiction, which generally respond well to a traditional course of therapy and sometimes group therapy as well. Learning to tolerate difficult feelings is at the core of healing for both parties in a codependent relationship and much work on self-development and boundaries.”
What type of professional help is available for a codependent parent?
CODA is a great resource on codependency as are many of the 12 step programs (e.g. AA, NA, Overeaters A, etc.). There are also many great books on the topic. CAMFT or AAMFT can certainly provide recommendations to competent therapists who can deal with codependency.”
Thank you Nicolle for doing the interview on how someone can overcome being a codependent parent. For more information on Nicolle Zapien or her work you can check out her website on www.nicollegottfriedzapien.com or www.consonanceconsulting.com.
Resources: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
Recommended Readings:
How to Overcome Being Codependent
How to Cope with Your Wife’s Alcohol Addiction
How to Cope with Your Husband’s Alcohol Addiction
