Most parents eagerly await the day that their children will grow up to become independent, responsible adults. They want their kids to go on to lead productive lives of their own.
The truth of the matter, however, is that not all young adults make an easy transition to maturity. They refuse to take decisive actions regarding their future, bounce in and out of dead-end jobs, still rely on their parents to get them out of legal and financial problems and, in some cases, even move back home.
Well-meaning parents take them in or provide them with continued monetary support, all with the intentions of “helping” them to get on their feet. What they may actually be doing, though, is to enable their adult kids to take advantage of them and to put off being personally accountable for the bad choices they make.
Keep Yourself from Being Emotionally Manipulated
Some adult children have learned the art of manipulating their parents by trying to make them feel guilty for not offering them assistance. This, in turn, causes parents to think it is their duty to “fix” every mess their grown-up child gets into.
A person I know, whom I’ll call *Leland (not his real name), says that, despite doing all he could to help bring up his son well, he somehow felt that his kid’s “failure to launch” must somehow be his fault, that perhaps he didn’t say enough or explain enough things to him. His son, for years, managed to manipulate that guilt, in order to get gifts, money, etc. Eventually, *Leland realized that, in spite of the number of times he bailed out his son, the same patterns were continuing. He stopped letting himself be emotionally conned into enabling his 20-something-year-old child.
“It wasn’t easy to do,” *Leland says, “and I still get tempted to give in sometimes, but I know, it will be better for us both, in the long run, if I stand my ground.”.
Learn to Say “No”
Saying “no” is one of the most difficult things in the world for parents to do, even when their child is an adult. They want him or her to be happy and want to shield them from suffering the consequences of negative actions, so they agree to give whatever that son or daughter asks for.
If you make a habit of supplying adult children with everything they claim to “need”, you will find yourself being swamped with endless demands from them, for everything from money for debts to a place to live and more.
You have to let your adult son or daughter know that you are not an unlimited resource for them. That will require you to refuse offering them your assistance, particularly when they have gotten themselves into circumstances that were brought on by their lack of personal responsibility.
When they realize that Mom and Dad are not as easy a touch, it may force them to finally start taking care of things on their own.
If You Do Say “Yes”, Add Stipulations
There may be some occasions when you do agree to help your adult child. For instance, you may agree to let him or her come live with you, especially when they have young children who may be suffering, due to their parent’s issues.
Before you allow them to move in with you, however, you need to sit down with your son or daughter and set down some special stipulations. These should include your expectation that he/she hold down a job, pay rent, share in household responsibilities, run errands, etc. Give them a time frame to get themselves together and find a place of their own. A 3-month period is a fair amount of time.
If you give them money towards a debt, let them know that it’s a loan that you expect to be paid back within a certain amount of time. Require them to sign a promissory note before you give them any large amount of money and don’t lend them any more money, until they pay you back.
When your adult child knows that there are limitations to your “generosity”, they will be more likely to stop treating you like a bank or motel.
Realize That Your Adult Child Must Walk Some Journeys Alone
“I just wanted to make things easier for my son,” *Leland says. “I didn’t want to see him in trouble, so I thought that, by helping him out all the time, it would make things go better for him.”
As much as you love your child, you cannot continue to shield him or her from the harsh realities of life. Sooner or later, they must face the fact that unwise decisions result in certain consequences.
It’s perfectly understandable that, as a parent, you don’t want to see your child hurting, no matter how old he or she may be.
That, however, may be exactly what it takes to get them to grow up and finally become accountable for what they do in life.
