Today I feel the urgency to tell my story of how being codependent has (and still is), adversely affecting my life both physically and emotionally. My motive for openly sharing this unattractive trait in my life in a public forum such as this is mainly self centered, ironically. I’m sharing because I know that it will be therapeutic for me in the sense that I have admitted to God, some friends and family, and now you that I am codependent. I am beginning the process of seeking and finding recovery to this debilitating monster that has at numerous times in the past and is at present crippling and robbing me of living a happy, healthy and peaceful life.
What is Codependency and How I Know I Am a Codependent Person
Codependency is defined in the Merriam-Webster dictionary in general as dependence on the needs of or control by another. In reality, this definition falls short in my opinion as to what codependency really is and I believe that anyone who lives with codependency as I am would agree. I much prefer the Mental Health America’s definition of codependency; that it is a “learned behavior” that affects an individual’s ability to have healthy relationships. The term codependency was first used as describing people in relationships with or living with alcoholics. Today however the term has been broadened by experts to include any codependent person from any dysfunctional family, including those with chronic mental or physical illness, sexual abuse, physical abuse and hyper-critical and non-loving environments.
I know I am a codependent person because I have every symptom and meet every criterion for codependency that I’ve ever read about, heard about or seen in self-help books, on websites, in mental health articles, and from mental health professionals. I exhibit all of the behaviors that are classic to codependency. I am the perfect poster child for codependency. At the present moment I am self-diagnosed, and I am sure my diagnosis is correct!
Where Does My Codependency Come From?
I believe that I learned to be codependent during childhood either by a parent or other close relative who displayed the behavior. My family history included alcoholism and mental illness, both of which can foster codependent behaviors in children raised in this type of dysfunctional environment. I also know that children raised in family environments that were hyper-critical or had rules such as “don’t cry or express your emotions,” “try to be perfect,” “don’t be selfish,” ” always strive to please everybody but yourself,” and “don’t be a baby,” can negatively affect a child and can promote codependent behavior. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not seeking to blame anyone in my family. I just know that I did learn this behavior in my young, formative years, and it has created havoc over and over in my life since my early teens.
My Codependent Behaviors and Symptoms
It is a fact that throughout my life, I have put the needs of others before my own. I am a people pleaser. I worry obsessively about making other people “mad” at me. I think their circumstances and problems are worse than my own and I have a compulsive need to “fix” and fuss over everybody and everything in their lives while completely ignoring my own needs. In my relationship with males, I have always and still do think their needs are more important than my own. I am impassive and submissive and never speak confidently about my own beliefs, needs, or dislikes. I “go along” with most of whatever everyone else says out of the fear of being rejected. I will go to any length to “save or cling” to any toxic relationship because I fear being abandoned. I constantly seek approval and attention from others. I suffer from low-esteem and never feel “good enough” to receive love. I feel only compelled to give and never take from relationships. I never feel fulfilled in relationships because I treat other people how to treat me. I literally train others to treat me as a doormat! I get high from feeling “needed.” Codependency is like an addiction to me just like drugs and alcohol are to others. I want to control circumstances and relationships because me not being in control terrifies me. The ironic thing is that it is “perceived” control I have. In reality, I am not in control. I have given my control over on a silver platter to everyone else in my life. I am merely a puppet on a string, reacting to the pull of others on my strings.
At the present time I feel like a pie that I have sliced and have given away all of the pieces to, and there is none left for me. I am nothing but the crumbs that are left in the pan.
How My Codependent Behaviors Affect Me Mentally and Physically
Since my early retirement in June 2011, it has become blaringly evident to me that my codependent behaviors have spiraled out of control. I have recently recognized that I am powerless over them and I have again asked God for help. The evidence of the physical and mental toll my behaviors have taken on me, I can no longer deny. I am so wrapped up in caring for family members and everyone else in my life, as well as overextending myself to commitments, activities, etc., that I am forgetting to perform routine hygiene and personal upkeep. I forget to take medication, eat healthy, get enough sleep, and in general “put on hold” every other activity I enjoy such as writing, reading, and taking care of my home, when someone else “needs” me. Exercise is another thing I’m not doing which is critical in maintaining my mobility while living with Parkinson’s disease. Mentally and physically my codependent behaviors have made me extremely fatigued and sick. I have no energy physically or mentally, feel depressed, and am sick and tired of being sick and tired!
What I Intend To Do About My Codependency Issue
It has become crucial that I defeat my codependency and I plan to do so by learning how to “Let go, and let God,” through counseling to “unlearn” this learned behavior, attending and working a twelve step program, and in general putting in the daily work it is going take to overcome this lifelong habit. I have no doubt that I CAN do this because I don’t have a choice. I HAVE to do it for my physical and emotional wellbeing and to be able to live out the remainder of my life happy, healthy, and at peace with myself and others.
I know there are millions of people out there who suffer from codependency and can relate to my story. If you are one of those people, I would love to hear from you! I welcome all of your comments! You may leave a comment at the very bottom of this article. Scroll down until you see the comment box.
