On another site I am a member of, the question was raised as to what rules should be established with an adult child who moves back into the home. There is still an underage child in the home, and the single parent has strong feelings about church attendance.
I happened to be the first person to respond to the post. I noted in my reply that while I do not have adult children at this time, I have rented out rooms in my home to adults. I have also been in the situation, when I was married, of living with my former spouse’s parents at their house, as an adult. Surprising to me was the number of other posts which came in after mine completely agreeing with all I said. They had all experienced the situation as an adult child living at home or as the parent of an adult child who moved back in. Their experiences and my own taught us all valuable lessons about how to keep the peace in the home and how to maintain healthy happy relationships with one another.
What Experience Taught Me
Whether they live under your roof or not, your adult children are just that: adults. They have the right to be treated as such, just as you have the right to expect them to act as such. Because they are adults, the rules you can appropriately have over their life and their conduct is significantly different from those you had while they were underage.
House Rules Versus Running-Their- Life Rules
This is where it gets tricky. Parents love their kids. They want the best for them. When they see their kids clearly making mistakes and bad choices, they immediately want to intervene. The key is to remember that they are adults now and they have the right to make the choices they make as well as face the consequences, good or bad, of those choices. This is when all those years of teaching them should be kicking in. We all learn through our mistakes, and we all continue to make mistakes as adults. Our adult children have the right to live as a mistake-making-consequence-facing human, just as we do. . .and as we are.
When House Rules are established, they need to remain focused on the Household. The following is a general list of common areas to address:
Rent. Does this amount cover just shelter, or are food and utilities covered as well? If food is not covered in the amount, will they buy their own groceries, or contribute groceries to the household? When is the rent due, and what is the late payment policy? Will a deposit be required? Will said deposit be returned in part or full? If so, under what circumstances?
Company. If the entrance to their private living areas is not private, you have every right to set hours for entertaining. Other areas to address would be those house rules other members of the household must follow such as no one of the opposite gender in the bedroom, no company in the house after midnight, etc. House rules apply to all in the household.
Chores. How will they be divided? Obviously the adult children need to be responsible for the cleaning of their own private areas, but what about shared living areas? What is the timeline for doing the chores in the common areas? How will the laundry facility be shared?
Household Influence. If you have a rule against no alcohol, no drugs, and no r-rated movies, for example, in your home; you have the right to extend that rule to the adult children. Anything you believe to be harmful to the environment of your home or harmful by way of example or risk to the underage children is eligible for rule setting in this category. These items must be carefully addressed so they do not become matters of running the adult child’s life, or about what they do outside of the home. These rules need to stay strictly focused on the home environment.
Conditions of Residence. These would be rules as to why they are being allowed to move in and what will cause an eviction. Some parents have a general rule that any child living with them must be attending school full-time, working, or serving in the armed forces, as there will be no ‘free ride. If the child is in school full-time they live in the home rent-free. The other circumstances require the payment of rent, usually based upon their ability to pay.
Their Children and Pets. Keeping them under control and also living according to house rules. You have the right to have your privacy and your belongings respected. You have the right to expect them to parent their own children and care for their own pets. This area can become an area of contention when parents desiring to be helpful begin to interfere in the parenting style and routines of their adult children. This is a huge no-no. They are adults and those are their children. Unless your grandchildren are in imminent danger, you have no right to interfere.
It is difficult to see someone you love make choices that you know will have a bad outcome, or which you do not personally agree with. As parents of adult children, you must first and foremost respect their rights as adults.
Whether they live under your roof or not, you have no right to insist upon setting rules which interfere in their right to choose for themselves what to do with their own life. Some examples of Running-Their-Life Rules are as follows:
In some cases, there is true and imminent danger involved to the safety and welfare of your adult child, their children, your own underage children, or yourself. In these cases, you have every right and responsibility to act. A few examples would be as follows:
Clear child abuse or neglect as outlined by your state government. Your opinion that something is neglectful or abusive must be substantiated by state law before you have the right to intervene because it may well be just your opinion.
Clear animal abuse or neglect as outlined by your state or local government. Your opinion that something is neglectful or abusive must be substantiated by state or local law before you have the right to intervene because it may well be just your opinion.
Alcohol and Drug abuse. If their life or the life of another is at risk by all means intervene. This is where programs such as Al-Anon can help you understand the dynamics and what you can and should do. You may have to become acquainted with the principles of Tough Love and actually hold an Intervention to help your adult child.
The best way to teach our children is through the example that we set. They learn far more from what we do than what we say, and they do watch what we do very closely. If we expect them to live a certain way, we must be consistently and without hypocrisy living that way ourselves. Then, if we set a good example, they may choose to adopt our philosophy and way of life for themselves. They also may choose to go their own way. The point is that it is their life and their choice, and that must always be respected.
