We were pregnant again, and I was excited. I knew, I just positively knew it was a girl. I had tried a few timing swaying techniques and felt God had showed me we were going to have a girl. I had heard from Him and knew with everything I was, that He had given me a girl.
The ultrasound came back and it was a boy. When the lab tech told me that my wife started crying. I was floored, I was at a complete loss. Had I mis-heard? Did I do something wrong? Was this one of those try your faith moments? I tried to steel my face and emotions so I could be there for my wife but I failed at that. She cried all the way home, and I can’t blame her. I had unfairly pressured her and she broke.
I wasn’t doing so hot myself as I began to battle depression. Yes I got depressed ,and looking back it was a self centered, babyish reaction. I didn’t get my way so I was going to pout and cry about it. I acted worse than my, then 2 year old, son. As time went on I sank deeper into depression. I doubted myself, I doubted God. I thought maybe this was my past deeds catching up with me. I know all of this sounds bad but life is life. When you get in a funk like this you can’t see anything further than your own hurt feelings, and you make sure everyone else sees them as well.
Our marriage suffered because of this. I stopped being as good a husband as I should have been. I retreated into myself and just coasted. My wife took me to our pastor and we talked. It helped some ,but wen you get into a self made ditch you have to stop digging and then grab the rope to climb out.
When Nathan was born I started a slow reversal process. The little tyke was adorable, for some reason we don’t have ugly babies. Now I know every parent thinks that ,but really ours come out all pretty and normal looking. The only problem with us is our babies always come out with scary side effects. When Eli was born he inhaled fluid and had to be on a ventilator for awhile. Nathan came out with his cord wrapped around his neck. He didn’t breathe for a bit and that is scary when you hear the doctor’s saying “COME ON BABY BREATHE!”. It tends to make a new parent a wee bit scared, but finally the little turd coughed and cried. He spent the first day in an incubator and rapidly got better. It went from “your son is going to another hospital” to “he can probably leave with you tomorrow”.
When I had him in our room I held him close and cried while Susie slept. This little stinky bundle of joy had instantly changed me. I had been terrified when I thought I might lose him ,and was now extremely glad he was here. I hadn’t experienced an instant bond like this with Eli. Maybe it was due to the extreme stressfulness of his birth and stuff or maybe God knew I needed help in that area. Either way I love him. Something about Nathan draws me too him. Do I wish I had a girl? Sometimes yes, would I give Nathan back? Never.
As he has grown, this second boy has prov-en to be stubborn and intelligent (like me!). He rides on my shoulders when we go places and we read Thomas books together. Me and my other son do things together too but the relationship between me and Nathan is different. Eli is like his momma and he is a momma’s boy.
My depression started leaving and I started really getting over myself around Nathan’s first birthday. I let something as silly as gender get in between my God, my wife, and others around me. I let it isolate me. But it wasn’t gender so much as I didn’t get MY way. After all I’m a spiritually sensitive guy, I can feel the Lord, I can hear from God. I am somebody! Except that wasn’t what God said, and I got upset when I didn’t get my way. I showed my true colors. I’m learning that In some ways I’m a better person than I give myself credit for, and in some ways I’m a much worse person than I give myself credit for. Things like this serve a reminder as to be cautious when I’m judging myself, either good or bad. I can’t see into heaven, the Lord doesn’t come down and sit on my couch to chit chat.
Be careful in gender swaying. The disappointment and ensuing depression can be a deal breaker. Ask yourself, can I really handle not getting my way? Then proceed with great caution and trepidation.
